I Don't Know

One,
I wish I could explain it,
The feeling I get,
Two,
The focus,
The patience,
Three,
I cringe when I see it,
Yet I ache for the burn,
Four,
I feel it,
The escape,
Five,
I don't do it to die,
I do it to feel alive,
And I'm already at 6,
In complete control,
Yet I've never felt so powerless,
I've finally released the pressure,
I feel so in control,
Yet I know I've lost my way,
Back to square one I go.
I don't know,
How do I explain it?
No I'm not gonna do it,
Do I want to?
Now that is a completely different question,
But I always give the same answer,
"I don't know"
It's like a paintbrush,
Cover up the flaws,
Present your best self,
Never let them know,
"I don't know"
Why do I do it?
I can't be an anchor,
When I know what it's like to drown,
Forcing someone else into this riptide,
That's inhumane,
"I don't know"
Why don't I get help then?
If i wouldn't want someone else to suffer like this,
It's a good question but,
"I don't know