Im really hating life right now. I HATE that when you DONT want something you GET it. I dont NEED the confusion. What I need to do is HEAL!
I met someone yesterday...not really sure how to feel about the past two days. I want to run so far away from this guy. As fast as my legs can possibly carry me. I don't understand why I feel so crazy... I have no real emotions for him right now, but I see where if this keeps up Im gonna be in serious trouble in a few weeks. My brain kept repeating "uh oh", "Oh Shit" , "Run away now" over and over. It was so simple. It wasnt anything drastic. Yesterday he bought me a taco and we played Magic The Gathering. Maybe it was because when he walked me to my car he didnt try to touch me, he gave me a one armed hug. And drove 30 minutes just so I wouldnt have to waste gas.
He did the same thing tonight...but he went and bought me a rose. He handed it to me and I thought it was sweet, and so thoughtful but at the same time my mind is SCREAMING "Michael, Michael, MICHAEL! Dont accept it you're betraying him!" How Im betraying someone who doesnt give a damn anymore if he ever did is beyond me. But when I took it and blushed I felt guilty. (He bought me a crunchwrap tonight though...be still my heart...I LOVE taco bell) Sitting in his car as he drove to the park I couldnt help but think... isnt a healthy way to heal is to try and date? Not seriously of course. But date and no sex, or touchy feely shit? I dont want sex with this guy..Not that I'm not attracted to him just that Im not sure about him. So I tried to be my normal self, trying not to get close or let him get close, yet be goofy and warm at the same time. I ran to the playground jumped on the structure went through the tunnels and down the slide then went and rode the little bouncy tracter that rocks. Being crazy. He was laughing his ass off. He said I was adorable. My mind said "Oh Shit" I got off and stood up, he stepped close to me and I raced off to the swings and started swinging. He started PUSHING me! I closed my eyes and did my damndest to shut off the emotions that were springing up in my chest. Managed to squish most of them. But the spark of hope that lit in my heart was almost too much to bear. The thought of aching to be loved by a man sprang up before I could stop it...Then "Michael"...Then "let him go... TRY and let someone else in" I wanted to get away then, needed to so I ran back to the play structure....and he CHASED me...I swear to god. Not in the Im going to hurt you way but in the laughing, frolicking way. By this point Im terrified...not of him, but of my heart, of my emotions, I didnt want him anywhere within touching distance of me. I don't know this guy now...he like came out of freaking nowhere yesterday. I stopped and turned around to tell him I was uncomftorble, and that I just wanted to be cool and chill for a bit, maybe talk in the car with a reasonable amount of space between us so we could get to know each other. And he collided with me knocking me down and accedently landed on top of me(let me tell you it aint as graceful or as painless as the movies, we went sprawling and my head hit the ground). I was freaking out at this point, and had lost the ability to speak. I was fighting for words that sounded reasonable and trying to heed all the warning bells that were going off in my head as well as Michael's memory and the pain ive been in for the past few weeks to remind me of all the reasons this situation was going from bad to worse and that my ass needed to get the fuck up and run back to the car and try to glue myself to the window as far away from the drivers seat as possible. He started apologizing profusely, saying he felt bad, asking if I was ok, freaking out checking my head, my hair had fallen over my face during the trip to the ground, he brushed it back behind my ear and I opened my eyes (because I realized I had them squinched tightly shut and my eyelids were starting to really hurt) Panic was choking me, and it didnt help that I had had the wind knocked out of me either. I looked him in the eyes like a dear caught in the headlights. Petrified. Of him. Of me. Of the fear that had taken ahold of my mind, and I couldnt move,he stopped midsentence...and said and I shit you not. "Dear God, woman, you are beautiful." I blinked once and my mouth dropped. Panic was racking my brain. This was way to intimate and I couldnt get my breath back to tell him to be a little less romantic... Before I knew what was happening or had time to even grunt a protest he was kissing me, and for some reason still unknown to me I was kissing him back, almost in a frenzy, but it wasnt sexual at all. I didnt and still dont understand what was happening. My mind was screaming and my heart was HURTING thinking "Michael" Over and over, Then something in me snapped completely and I was kissing this stranger like there was no tomorow, as if I could let loose all the desperation I felt over the past few weeks, All the pain, all the hurt, that came with betrayal. With all the desperation of a woman in hell. He pulled away abruptly and started apologizing profusely again. HE was apologizing to ME. I was the one that was being crazy. He scrambled up and helped me up and I was still speechless wondering what the hell had just happened. For a minute we just stared at each other awkwardly and then I started crying. (Brilliant huh? Yeah Im such a superchick. I cried because a man kissed me. Great Sarah real strong) He started apologizing again saying how bad he felt and I kept shaking my head holding up my hands trying to signal I wasnt upset at him and he hugged me close and I stiffened and just cried harder. He held me until I could talk again and walked me to a bench. I told him about the past few weeks, about my involvement with the BDSM lifestyle, how crappy I felt, and miserable I've been making myself over a man that doesnt give a shit. How I feel like im betraying him in the worst possible way anytime a man so much as hugs me. His response? I was expecting him to run away fast and brush me off as a crazy chick who had way too many issues for him to deal with (Typical male reaction to sobbing unknown female) but no he didnt much to my suprise he went around the bench and started giving me a freaking massage and talking to me telling me he doesnt want to push anything. I need to relax. I need to breathe. To just be myself around him. The distrustful part of me tensed the second he touched me. My brain was thinking typical guy move, typical guy move. But his hands never strayed past my shoulders or back. He kissed my neck and I really did stiffen then. But then he came around and sat down and pulled up my feet and started massaging those and told me to keep talking about Michael. I just blinked at him, mouth dropping. I swear at that moment he looked like a marshan from planet mars. He looked at me and said "U wanna catch flies or feel better?" I replied (and yeah im serious here...its so B movie, Im horrified at myself) "Who are you?"
(Brilliant arnt I?) Anyway after an hour of spiling my guts and crying a little more he scooted closer and asked if he could hold me. I nodded and we sat like that for awhile in silence. My mind reeling over what happened. Not feeling for him, but not wanting to move, not wanting to go. WANTING despite the pain of being reminded of Michael every time his hand brushed my hair or intertwined with mine feeling like a ton of bricks slamming into my chest. He said he needed to get me back to my car so I could go home so my family didnt worry. It was late and still in a state of shock I just nodded and walked to the car. He held the door open, shut it, and drove me back. Half way there he took my hand and said he wanted to take me to a movie this week. I just blinked at him and nodded. Pain making itself known again in my chest. I felt like I was cheating and we broke up a month ago now I guess. Feels like its only been a week or two.
Kicking myself, because I feel so damn stupid. What the hell is my problem? Why am I still waiting and hoping Michael is going to call me back? When I know he wont. Why cant I take this risk with an open heart because he seems like a genuinly nice guy? Why cant I STOP feeling like I need to keep myself free in case Michael comes back...when I KNOW he never is. Hes gone, Im alone. He broke his word. What am I doing? Looking at this damn phone? Ive accepted all the realities so why am I still hoping hell call? Why isnt it getting easier. Why am I still babbling about him? He wasnt REAL, What we had wasnt real to HIM. Why am I still so freaking IN LOVE with him? Hes ben a jerk to me since he left. Playing with me, toying with me, now hes just dropped me completely. WHAT AM I DOING?! Am I crazy? Or is this normal? Is going with this guy to the movies this week good for me? Or is it a bad idea. Should I try or stay alone and work through my emotions and memories of Michael on my own or try and click with someone else casually? ADVICE PLEASE! Seriously....Im a mass of chaos and confusion!
Determination = sweet confidence, persistence, and tenacity all right. Well I'm sure am determined not to fail because of this guy...I will live on without him. I can't stop loving him though, but I can be determined to live happily ever after without him. Lol
I draw many things well, but I would like to extend my talent. It seems I'm a very determined person, but I find myself having an 'epic fail' every time I attempt a realism picture. They say that when you give it your all, the result will be worth it in the end. With practice that is...and talent. I know I have the talent, but a couple of things leave me confused. I have these burdens that I strive to get out of my way such as...when a tutorial says 'to practice the shape and value of an object' I don't know where to begin. Not only that, but when I try shading in an object, the detailed lines come out messy. Also, when I limn a sketch, the outer lines come out like...never mind. I just don't know where to begin. I keep coming back to this beautiful art form that my mind keeps perseverating on, and I want to get somewhere. I dream of seeing a picture of life bulging out at me....I think one reason this happens like this is because I only have a number two regular pencil. The tutorials say that the quality is better when you use charcoal, ink, and ebony etc pencils. Do you think this is the case, or that I don't have the skills to perform this task?
I want to try it, but I see myself sketching my favorite artist Lady Gaga like another random person...
When I sketch people, they don't even look like the person I'm sketching. They look like someone totally different.
It leaves me in despair...
I'm trying to be optimistic here, and that optimism will increase as I see my 'realism attempts' improve...
Too many people post there poems and then sit back and wait for them to get rated. With thousands of poets here that can take awhile, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself that no one is rating your gems get out in the community and take part! Join the slams - a sure way to get your poems noticed. Or start a slam or two of your own. Participate in the workshop forum discussions. No one is going to know you are here if you sit back and hide and expect others to just find you. The best way to get noticed is to notice others as well.
The only analogy I can think of would be if you were in a classroom, but instead of sitting in the room and actively participating in the class, you sat outside the room and waited for the teacher and other students to notice your brilliance and find you. It won't happen and you won't get noticed here if you don't participate.
I'm not saying everyone needs to get involved in every aspect, but if you want to get noticed you need to do more than just post your poems.
Close your eyes little girl
You're a princess now
You own this world
Twirling in your twirly dress
You're the loveliest far above the rest
You build your castles in the sky
Stars reflecting off your eyes
And angels sing on silver clouds
And no one cries, screams, or shouts'
Oh, set apart this dream
Oh, set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Close your eyes pretty girl
Cause it's easier when you brace yourself
Set your thoughts on a world far off
Where we only cry from joy
Oh, set apart this dream
Oh, set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Oh, lovely and beautiful
Precious and priceless
You're so much more than you know
Heart of the purest gold
Pure clean and white as snow
Clothed in such splendor
Oh, what a beauty for me.
(Set apart this dream) x2
Oh, set apart this dream (set apart this dream)
Oh, set apart this dream for me (set apart this dream)
Set apart this dream for me
People feel nostalgic for many things that happened in the past...Either they missed an old song, a friend, or even a video game. This makes sense, yes since the definition of the word 'nostalgic' is longing for something of the past. Doing it the old school way, yet people including me feel 'nostalgic' for certain things in the present, It is weird because some of these things never happened in the past and if they did, then that's no reason to feel nostalgic because of what is happening now. The thing that also happened in the past. So why do people feel nostalgic for the sounds of trains, sunsets, and lovers dancing...?
This leaves me to ponder. It has to be something about the feel of it...a primitive feel...Don't you think?
More devious then a subliminal message
Placed in your subconscience
Causing you to act in the conscience.
It is a gift
And a curse
With the power to reshape your mind,
Stimulate empathy,
And to control your will
From anywhere
At anytime.
You can only give yourself to it.
You cannot control what it does to you.
You can only control your acceptance of it
In your own life,
But on its terms,
And sometimes even that
Is impossible.
Once your acceptance has been made
All hope is lost
And then reborn
In a new vision,
With new dreams,
Ever stronger.
Once a happenstance,
Then an interest,
Growing into care and compassion,
Maturing into a connection
That only you can understand.
Just a connection
Grown into a bond
That can never be broken
Through any pain,
Any circumstance,
Nor any decision,
Even you own.
You will never be able to say
The word 'Hate'
Without first feeling
The word 'Love'
Because without it
You truly do not care enough
To hate.
Why is it that this power exists?
We can put science to the test
And say that the feeling of 'Love'
Is a chemical reaction
Brought about in the brain
That causes the synapses
Of certain memories
To become stronger
And more permanent
Then the others in your mind
So that the procreation of humans
Goes hand in hand
With the pair bonding
That is necessary
For the longterm care
And teaching
Of their offspring,
Thereby increasing
The odds of the child maturing
Into adulthood
And having offsrping
Of their own.
That doesn't take into account
The synergistic effect
Of all the insanity
That goes along with
Being in love
And keeping that love alive.
Again
Something only you will understand
When your there.
Countless ideas,
Words,
Pictures,
Artforms,
Contests,
Rituals,
Ceremonies,
Tomes,
And little love notes
Have been written through the ages
To describe this feeling to others.
Obviously to no avail
Because we're still trying,
Failing,
And trying again,
Until we find
Our own Love.
Maybe we don't need to understand everything ?!
Maybe the mystery of love is a part of love itself,
Part of the Aura,
The glow,
That look when you see a couple
In new found love
And they're so cute
That they're disgusting.
And its ok.
Why am I writing this?
Am I answering any question?
Am I answering my own?
I may never know the answer
But I do know
That I don't need to.
All I need to know
Is that I feel it now
And its wonderful,
And Exciting,
And Scary,
And ...,
And ..,
And .,
And its ok.
My only concrete thoughts on love
Come out in a popular prayer
With an addendum
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference,
And help me stay out of the way,
When I don't know anything.
I got home from work yesterday feeling poorly, my chest hurts I'm coughing and I feel so weak that my body aches all over.
I told Chuck and he took care of me and watched over me while I rested....now he feels poorly too. Our connection is so strong we even get sick together.
Theres more to being kinky than most people realize
Saturday, March 13, 2010 (18:38:08)
Weird title? I'm in an oddly thoughtful mood.
I'm kinky. I'm a freak, and Im very open about that fact. Sexually Im different I love gags, whips, restraints, and a whole slew of stuff alot of people have never heard of. But has anyone ever noticed that the kinky people are the ones who are weird, different, aloof, or loners?
Kinky people are the ones who have gone through hell and back. At least all the ones I've met. I was molested, raped, and abused growing up, and in school I was the only "gothic"girl there. I was weird. The loner. Leader of the underdogs of highschool. Bad girl rebel image. You know the stereotype.
After my first consentual sexual experience I was hooked. Lust can be all consuming. I stuck to relationships at first. Committed relationships. First two sexual partners were fiances. After the second I didnt care. Emotion + Sex = Way too much power for a man. I didnt want to so I just had sex. Friends with benifits, one night stands. Anything to get my fix but not the emotions. After awhile a wall erected itself automatically. Sex rendered me emotionless each time, save for lust and pleasure. Then came my last relationship who tore down all of that, MADE me trust, MADE me feel. I felt more intamately with him then Ive ever felt in my life. And to find out it was a lie? Hurt worse than anything I could have thought possible. The screaming, the crying, Withdrawals. Easily the worst pain I've ever had including beatings, or rape.
Its hard to tell which is worse. Being raped or being left by the one you truly love. You might sit there and go well rape is worse. Im here to say, not in my opinion. Id rather relive that twenty more times than go through the pain I went through these past few weeks. Even now I hurt, and ache for something that never truly existed. I know that if a man cares he WILL call and check on someone and he hasnt. What does that say? Something that was even harder to accept then being cheated on. Realizing the one you love never truly cared to begin with. Realizing you fell for a series of lies. Realizing its your own fault for being so naive when you KNOW you know better. Having to swallow pride and admit you made a mistake.
Im struggling now not to go back to the way I was. I don't want to be emotionless again. My sexual style and pleasures run a bit dark yes. And perhaps I enjoy being whipped and restrained because it sends me to a place of pure pleasure and no emotion. But is that right? Or is it a sick and twisted version of what sex could be with someone that loves me? Are men really capable of true love? Or faithfulness? And my answer to those is I don't know anymore. I want to say NO its not possible, make myself believe it so I cant get hurt, but on the same token what if I surrender to that notion and miss my soulmate? What if I'm so wrapped up in trying not to get hurt that I miss a chance at a real life love story? I don't want that to happen.
It leads me to a question...are kinky people just weird...or are they people in a world of pain like me? A world of confusion, and lust, and wishing for love? Accepting lusty beatings, and enjoying it. Filling that space for a brief moment because you are joined to someone. You arent alone. KINKY is more intense, and alot of times more emotional. It CAN fill a hole for a period but after....do you feel empty? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think im a monster of sorts. My mind is twisted. I find pleasure in being tied down and teased, in being whipped until I have welts, or even broken skin or bleeding. It feels GOOD to me. I LIKE being helpless, I like certain amount of PAIN. I love rough sex. Kinky? Or twisted? I see people react in shock when they find out the extent of my sexual tastes. BDSM? Bondage? Submission? Being made to do sometimes degrading things? Am I sick? Why do they look at me with distaste? Sometimes even fear. It gets to a person. I've always liked who I am. Im proud of being a freak. Of being different. But some people get under my skin and have the ability to make me feel like im some kind of monster. When I THINK, I feel, when I FEEL, I hurt. I dont want to hurt. I want to be cherished, but I want a dominant man. Not one I have to take care of, but one that can take care of me. I dont want to babysit my man. But can a truly dominant man love? Or be faithful? I dont know.
Can one be able to be kinky to my extremes and still love and respect me as a woman? I don't know. Thats what I want. Im just not sure its possible. I realize this is a rather deep blog. With deep thoughts. I guess I just needed to sort my thoughts. I'm really not sure if it made anything better or cleared anything up in my own head. But it feels nice to get it out somewhere.
Write a short poem (if it can even be called that) over three lines (as profound and thought inspiring as possible!) about whatever you like.
One of the words in the first line (but not the last word) must rhyme with the last word on the second line. There should be no other rhyming in the piece though.
Below is an example -
"where do I stand in this
the fuzzy space between my past and
the unknown."
(if its feasible later- it might be that we try to create one big poem from the verses entered-and feature it out on the main sites- who knows!)
My free time at school usually consists of me writing something, a screenplay, a poem, a short story, something to add on to my numerous initiated novels, something. Lately my free time has consisted of me staring at a blank piece of lined paper and thinking about something to write. I've written ONE thing in the past two weeks, and I'm really debating whether I should post it because it was quite rushed and I'm unsure of its quality.
On a lighter note, I got Stephen Mitchell's translation of the Book of Genesis from my uncle. There is a bizarre passage in their about multiple gods having sex with women to create the Nephilim. It puzzled me. There's also another bizarre passage about Noah inventing wine, getting drunk, sleeping in the nude, having his son walk in and see his schlong and go tell his brothers about it, and then cursing his son for seeing his schlong. I'm telling you, some of the stuff in the Bible is weird.
So yeah, if you can come up with good ideas for short stories or something, I will thank you a million times and cite you wherever I post that short story. Please help me. The writer's block hurts.
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He handed it to me and I thought it was sweet, and so thoughtful but at the same time my mind is SCREAMING "Michael, Michael, MICHAEL! Dont accept it you're betraying him!" How Im betraying someone who doesnt give a damn anymore if he ever did is beyond me. But when I took it and blushed I felt guilty. (He bought me a crunchwrap tonight though...be still my heart...I LOVE taco bell) Sitting in his car as he drove to the park I couldnt help but think... isnt a healthy way to heal is to try and date? Not seriously of course. But date and no sex, or touchy feely shit? I dont want sex with this guy..Not that I'm not attracted to him just that Im not sure about him. So I tried to be my normal self, trying not to get close or let him get close, yet be goofy and warm at the same time. I ran to the playground jumped on the structure went through the tunnels and down the slide then went and rode the little bouncy tracter that rocks. Being crazy. He was laughing his ass off. He said I was adorable. My mind said "Oh Shit" I got off and stood up, he stepped close to me and I raced off to the swings and started swinging. He started PUSHING me! I closed my eyes and did my damndest to shut off the emotions that were springing up in my chest. Managed to squish most of them. But the spark of hope that lit in my heart was almost too much to bear. The thought of aching to be loved by a man sprang up before I could stop it...Then "Michael"...Then "let him go... TRY and let someone else in" I wanted to get away then, needed to so I ran back to the play structure....and he CHASED me...I swear to god. Not in the Im going to hurt you way but in the laughing, frolicking way. By this point Im terrified...not of him, but of my heart, of my emotions, I didnt want him anywhere within touching distance of me. I don't know this guy now...he like came out of freaking nowhere yesterday. I stopped and turned around to tell him I was uncomftorble, and that I just wanted to be cool and chill for a bit, maybe talk in the car with a reasonable amount of space between us so we could get to know each other. And he collided with me knocking me down and accedently landed on top of me(let me tell you it aint as graceful or as painless as the movies, we went sprawling and my head hit the ground). I was freaking out at this point, and had lost the ability to speak. I was fighting for words that sounded reasonable and trying to heed all the warning bells that were going off in my head as well as Michael's memory and the pain ive been in for the past few weeks to remind me of all the reasons this situation was going from bad to worse and that my ass needed to get the fuck up and run back to the car and try to glue myself to the window as far away from the drivers seat as possible. He started apologizing profusely, saying he felt bad, asking if I was ok, freaking out checking my head, my hair had fallen over my face during the trip to the ground, he brushed it back behind my ear and I opened my eyes (because I realized I had them squinched tightly shut and my eyelids were starting to really hurt) Panic was choking me, and it didnt help that I had had the wind knocked out of me either. I looked him in the eyes like a dear caught in the headlights. Petrified. Of him. Of me. Of the fear that had taken ahold of my mind, and I couldnt move,he stopped midsentence...and said and I shit you not. "Dear God, woman, you are beautiful." I blinked once and my mouth dropped. Panic was racking my brain. This was way to intimate and I couldnt get my breath back to tell him to be a little less romantic... Before I knew what was happening or had time to even grunt a protest he was kissing me, and for some reason still unknown to me I was kissing him back, almost in a frenzy, but it wasnt sexual at all. I didnt and still dont understand what was happening. My mind was screaming and my heart was HURTING thinking "Michael" Over and over, Then something in me snapped completely and I was kissing this stranger like there was no tomorow, as if I could let loose all the desperation I felt over the past few weeks, All the pain, all the hurt, that came with betrayal. With all the desperation of a woman in hell. He pulled away abruptly and started apologizing profusely again. HE was apologizing to ME. I was the one that was being crazy. He scrambled up and helped me up and I was still speechless wondering what the hell had just happened. For a minute we just stared at each other awkwardly and then I started crying. (Brilliant huh? Yeah Im such a superchick. I cried because a man kissed me. Great Sarah real strong) He started apologizing again saying how bad he felt and I kept shaking my head holding up my hands trying to signal I wasnt upset at him and he hugged me close and I stiffened and just cried harder. He held me until I could talk again and walked me to a bench. I told him about the past few weeks, about my involvement with the BDSM lifestyle, how crappy I felt, and miserable I've been making myself over a man that doesnt give a shit. How I feel like im betraying him in the worst possible way anytime a man so much as hugs me. His response? I was expecting him to run away fast and brush me off as a crazy chick who had way too many issues for him to deal with (Typical male reaction to sobbing unknown female) but no he didnt much to my suprise he went around the bench and started giving me a freaking massage and talking to me telling me he doesnt want to push anything. I need to relax. I need to breathe. To just be myself around him. The distrustful part of me tensed the second he touched me. My brain was thinking typical guy move, typical guy move. But his hands never strayed past my shoulders or back. He kissed my neck and I really did stiffen then. But then he came around and sat down and pulled up my feet and started massaging those and told me to keep talking about Michael. I just blinked at him, mouth dropping. I swear at that moment he looked like a marshan from planet mars. He looked at me and said "U wanna catch flies or feel better?" I replied (and yeah im serious here...its so B movie, Im horrified at myself) "Who are you?"
