Rosebushes break bending past
Orange, pomegranates
And an Iris of weeping willow photography

Blanket statements
of the common trespasses
the pull push
of love's will and
sweet sweat running down an oceanic song
singing til it’s all red in the face

rolling past
these hands and thoughts and fields
Where everything stops

And I realize
that
the miracle is breathing

hi , just readd this , will be back after more reads . WHy did you go change your id-name ?

It's easier for people to find me. Thanks again.

hi Lyla , here is how i read the poem and some suggestions,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Title :
The eight week of gestation and celebrations in flowerful and colorful!
At a glance , the poem paints a picture of love desire and the fruction ,
But
There is heavy symbolic imagery here and a deeper meaning though the initial idea runs tru to the last line


Rosebushes break bending past
Orange, pomegranates ----why is Orange in singular and pomos in plu?
(And) an Iris of weeping willow photography---------here it is too personal , the photography bit.


I like the line breaks in this stanz ,
First line : the line break makes us focus on what the rosebushes are doing, the word “past” implying the past as in “ago” and past as getting beyond
for the tenacious rosebushes are not pushing aside the oranges or the pomos , they are merely going their way , bending past, getting where they want to be or rather in this context getting what they want without being obtrusive and pushy .
Also the symbol of love, the orange is considered a symbol of good luck and is seen as a prayer for good fortune. The pomegranate is a symbol of fertility , a symbol of righteousness and is a beautiful luscious fruit , Persephone for now seems out of scene, at least to this reader,
The Iris has a petal alignment that seems like a weeping willow , the downward droop of the flower as it faces the sky , but that line does seem a bit unclear to me right now , however the iris does symbolize faith , hope , wisdom and courage .
The idea that this reader gets is of a lament of a beautiful woman – rose, roses symbolize a beautiful desirable woman- who is stepping past the accepted norms, to gain what is acceptable to her,
and the second stanz reinforces the idea :

Blanket statements
of the common trespasses ----do you need the “the” ,
the pull push ----don’t agree with this line break
of love's will and ----do you need “and “ here and if you do would you consider moving it to the next line ?
sweet sweat running down an oceanic song ---- it seems more poetic without the “down” here,
singing til it’s all red in the face ---------------tiny typo , do you need the “all” and the “the” here ?

Blanket statements that generalize the common breaches or trespasses,the words are brilliant together, but are they not too abstract for a normal read on any given evening of silence , spent curled up just to read poetry ?
Linebreak : would prefer if the line break was after the “the pull push of love’s sweet will”

3rd stanz:

rolling past
these hands and thoughts and fields
Where everything stops -------------why do you choose to capitalize the “Where” ? emphasis?

once again do not understand the line “Where everything stops” , I think this is where everything begins, the past stops here, it is a new beginning as i decipher the words of the poem. Also the association with the sweat weakens with the line in between- “singing til it’s all red in the face”
is there some way this can be circumvented ? i do like this line enormously and it describes the travails very well.

4th :
And I realize
that ---------I would leave it out
the miracle is breathing

and would you consider realigning the lines :

And I realize,
the Miracle
is breathing!

A grenadine of a poem very mature and sublime, i luv it thank you for sharing

Rosebushes break bending past
Orange, pomegranates
forming an iris of weeping willow photography

Blanket statements
of common trespasses
the pull push
of love's will
and sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song
singing til it’s all red in the face

rolling past
these hands and thoughts and fields

Where everything stops

And I realize
that
the miracle is breathing

Firstly Anna, Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am extremely impressed by your diligent criticism and your attention to small details that really make the poem speak. I will be honest with you, some of the things you mentioned were not my original intention but now that you mention it works out quit nicely.

I am extremely pleased that you were able to see the function of gestation within this poem, which is why the title is so important, it is also why orange is singular because of cellular development, the other layers have the texture of an orange and as cleavage begins it looks much like an insides of pomegranates, which implies growth..and tho not completely accurate to pluralized I thought this would help the reader understand transition. The last part of the stanza is more of personal view of perception, Iris as in the flower and also part of sight, weeping willows with their symbolism also imply downward motions...and photography as in a sad attempt to symbolize the relationship between information gather via retinal synapses and the mind. As in a mental picture. I changed "and an" to "forms" in hopes to make this clearer, but will chew on it some more to see if I can come up with a better analogy.

The next stanzas are tricky. I was inspired by a Carl Jung quote which I hold dear. Love in all its glory is not something sweet. It a constant battle of wills, filled with obligation and sacrifice yet it can bring us the greatest joy. In this case it is the sacrifice of the female form. Oceanic songs are merely a way of explaining all the icky fluids that are associated with giving birth and with the initial insemination. Stanza two is both a look at where we are going but it is also a look back at where it began. That is why there is a singing til its all red in the face... because baby's when born have red faces from crying as are woman when ..... from singing...
But there is a drop of common tongue with the word all. I guess I really did that for tone, because in the end I want this to be a pretty poem with a down to earth feel that will sneak in some profound realizations. Perhaps it may also be that I wrote this after my trip to Texas and some of that got into this.

The last parts, breaks, pauses and capitalization.

"Where everything stops", was capitalized in hopes that reader would pause longer as well create a stronger statement of the moment. Love, will do what it does best which is completely change your life. I have never been pregnant but I love watching videos of mothers who have just given birth. Their all red, sweat everywhere, and hair a muff..their mouths open in awe, and you get this sense that for them time has stopped when they first gaze at their child. Nothing really matters except the gaze of their newborn...That is what I was going for in that line. A hey wait a minute in mist of all the chaos. Which is another reason why I am so happy that you saw the motions in this.

The reason there is the "that" in the last stanza is because though the moment is sweet, I didn't want to sound so. I wanted something a little harsher to create a more profound feel. I am politically very pro-choice but personally I extremely pro-life and believe that children are our greatest gifts. So this poem reflex that belief, that through all the harshness, violence and pain that life and love are beautiful and well worth it.

I sincerely hope this drawn on explanation gives a greater insight to what I was shooting for. Thank you again for your beautifully written critique and I look forward to your opinion of the re-write.
Thank you again,
Lyla

wow!
will wait for the rewrite , and maybe the research behind a poem needs to be included so that the inferences are easier,

the thing is Lyla , after your reply about the poets thoughts about the wordings of the poem, the second and third stanzs do not explain with as much clarity as is needed there

what i saw in there was laments and pains , the general angst of someone who does away with social accetances/norms to be pro life , and the song as a lament after each association,
so you see i read it way way off the intent of the rigors of childbirth and the screams of a new born , red and sweetly shrill,

one other suggestion :
it is exactly for the pro-life aspect of things that i think the word end is harsh and misplaced , but then that is my opinion only

thanks , will wait for your re write

i will be off the boards for the next few days
take care and keep writing

ann

thought-pinge

the iris line :


the droop in the flower that weeps like the willow with disappointment in downcast eyes ?

cheerios

Rosebushes break bending past
Orange, pomegranates
forming an iris of weeping willow photography

Blanket statements
of common trespasses
the pull push
of love's will
and sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song
singing til it’s all red in the face

rolling past
these hands and thoughts and fields

Where everything stops

And I realize
that
the miracle is breathing

This is the rewrite. I played with it while writing the message, though yes it still needs more work.

As far as imagery goes. I enjoy people looking at my pieces in their own way, so my intentions for creation doesn't really matter so much. My thing is someone taking away a personal thought. Much like looking at a painting. I only want to guide someone there. I expressed my intent so you might see why certain things where the way they were. I wonder re-reading this, thinking of pregnancy and child birth... i.e "the miracle is breathing" if you would feel different.

Also, I am sorry if I did not make it clearer earlier but you are right in many ways this is a lament but with a epiphany at the end, and that is why it can not end with a sweetness because it would negate the previous emotions, which are important. But again, this just may be a difference in opinion... I am one who hates love poems with the word love.

Finally LMAO I like your blunt penmanship.. how about
"forming an iris of cascading willows" ????


Thanks again for all your help on this
and truly hope you don't question in my sanity for me writing what I intended.
I hope you enjoyed your time away.
Take care,
Lyla

Okay,
version 2 of the re-write looses a lot of multiple meanings, because its pretty tangible, but considering your comments and an analytical conversation about the construction of poetry with my bf, I think this is what this may need. I also may to multiple revisits to this poem...what do you think?

Blastula V.2

Rosebushes bend, breaking
to wills of oranges,
pomegranates
among blankets of soil

Long forgotten footsteps
now washed away
leave only vague imprints
of obligation's thorn.

Lyla, I think the metaphors in the first stanza were not as clear as they could have been. Blastomeres arranging themselves like a pomegranate is a fine metaphor or simile, but rosebushes bending and the will of an orange is obscure and doesn't really work for you. I think the poem's gestational passge to birth needs to provide some epiphany. What comment on this passage do you want the reader to think on, feel, or take away with them? I think clarifing your intent will go a long way to make your rewrites better.

L.

Quote:

Rosebushes break bending past Orange, pomegranates forming an iris of weeping willow photography

Reading the above posts, I think I like

"Rosebushes bend, breaking
to wills of oranges,
pomegranates"
much more because in the first write, there were way too many simile/metaphor for me too handle and was, well...overwhelming. Although they say a lot, its vague and like L mentioned above, "not as clear as they could have been". Your revised version is a lot more clear to me. Also, ending in Oranges, and ending in Pomegranates gives more, to me, the image of ripening. Works well with your idea of the blastula and bending rosebushes.

Quote:

Blanket statements of common trespasses the pull push of love's will and sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song singing til it’s all red in the face

A little unsure of the first line...Cant really say much. The imagery of the revision sounds a lot better, more earthy.lol. (hey, Im not very good with symbolism). To me, the soil is at least, nurturing for a plant, and works well with blanket, however, redundant in that sense. Otherwise, it could mean something more of "worked" dirt, of the remains of dead organic matter. Something along the lines of Ancestry, history, even repitition etc that goes into the formation of fruit-of new life. Cant really say much about Common Trespasses. "Common" however then really adds to the soil part. (hmm...Sorry, I seem to be combining both your old and your new revisions as well as readers' comments into my own)
I'm in love with the last two lines.
"sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song"
the S sounds work wondrously in providing a sensual, yet...delicate feel. It is also Interrupted with "crashing", which adds a bit of...Energy, if not sudden surprise for the next line. Like a heartbeat.
"singing til it’s all red in the face"
Crashing then mends well with "red in the face" as, at least to me, is quite straightforward and blunt. Imagine the images of the S-sounds, like the constant empty pulse of the machine, then interrupted by the Beep(crashing)...and then the POP of a baby. (lol). In a word, I guess, Foreshadowing.

Quote:

rolling past these hands and thoughts and fields

Dont know why these are here. Seems like a shift from a tangled garden to a rolling field.

Quote:

Where everything stops And I realize that the miracle is breathing

Seems like a transition in imagery. All the stuff built up in the previous stanzas then, just a blurp. You know what I mean?

Quote:

Long forgotten footsteps now washed away leave only vague imprints of obligation's thorn.

The first line now seems to...undo what you meant with "blanket soil"(imo).
The "washed away" works well with what I had said earlier, and with 'fluids' (oceanic, singing, the S-sound, etc). Is "only" necessary in the second line? Maybe instead of Footsteps, echoes, would work as it goes hand in hand with "singing" (assuming you Fuse your revisions together.) and adds to the "imprints". But then I probably would go with something that would bring it full circle to "soil" again since you bring it back to the rosebushes (thorn)


I'm trying to get the FEEL of your poem by looking at both, and commenting on both at the same time, as if theyre one and the same, because the way I look at it, to you, they mean the same thing and as such, your revisions will have a 'fingerprint' which I had tried to see.

Overall, I really liked your old poem with the NEW revision's 1st stanza replacing the first on your old.

Im a noob. But...I tried.

now this discussion os going somewhere! yippee!!

Lyla, the new revise has not much in common to the old poem does it ?
try writing down what you want to say in the poem, don't change the foundations to make a new one,
keep discussing, the clarity accquired by discussion will help you better the poem.

you have two more critiques to help you now, go on discuss!!

Lyla wrote:

Rosebushes break bending past Orange, pomegranates forming an iris of weeping willow photography Blanket statements of common trespasses the pull push of love's will and sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song singing til it’s all red in the face rolling past these hands and thoughts and fields Where everything stops And I realize that the miracle is breathing

this is the version that i like best. the last edit seemed to "jump the shark" as has been known to happen when weeding through so much advice.

one of the things that i like most about your poetry is the abstractness of what you write. the title should and does lead the reader, but the reader must do their homework, must think of the word "blastula". then your poetry (and this poem is a prime example) presents colors and images and sensations that blend into a beautiful thought provoking mix. your poetry makes me think and work for its meaning. and i am not bothered in the least to not have a meaning that is easily put in words.

when i first encountered this piece i was drawn into the beginning of life and the act of acceptance for said life. i was presented representations of sex/love that allowed my mind to fill in the blanks, instead of having to witness another's lovemaking. i really appreciate that in poetry. i was also given pause and allowed to breathe with the author/protagonist. life and breath and acceptance. that is what i "saw" when i read this. it is abstract. you write abstract poetry, like you paint abstract art. embrace that. don't try to explain every stroke, it takes away from the whole.

a joy and a challenge to read. thank you for that,

mayo

Rosebushes break
bending to the wills of oranges,
pomegranates
among blankets of soil

trespasses tuned
to the push pull
of love's will
and sweet sweat crashing to an oceanic song
singing til it’s all red in the face

rolling past
these hands and thoughts and fields

Where everything stops

And I realize
that
the miracle is breathing


Thank you for all the comments. I really think this starting to grow and the critiques are wonderful.
loisseau: I want people to take away something. To me its not really as important as the art itself. I had a friend who read this as a poem as death, and I was very pleased with that. Others read a woman who was struggling through a pregnancy and again I was just as pleased. I want this to be art.

Oldredkite: Thanks for the great insights. I mixed the two together and I think its working. What do you think?

Mayo: You're right. I am a post modern poet and striving to be something different is just not right. I felt the need to write it out again because I just felt that urge. I realize now looking back that I should just let my voice be and go from there. Thank you as always.

Sorry it took me so long to reply back. I was trying to think of different ways to tune this and took the simplest route. What do you think of it now?

Works MUCH better!!!

Whats up with the lone 'that'?

like it ,

do you need the

'that" before the miracle line ?

Do you feel good about the revise ? do you like the original ?

Thanks again, everyone.
I think I need to keep that. It creates an important pause and it finishes the feel of the poem.

THANKS

This comes almost a year too late-- but what a gorgeous poem.