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epic


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graphitegirl
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11 10:04:35 EDT 2008    Post subject: epic Reply with quote

new edit

It was a day of conspicuous vanity
when the source of light conspired with
the stars and their energies burned as one.


I
The sun ruled the earth
with undisputed authority
a scepter of magnitude
its vibrancy was more than eyes could bear.
In its boldness, the sun
dismissed the clouds and a clear sky
made way for its majestic entrance.
Starting from the east
it climbed the hours of the sky to the apex.
Its solar muscle flexed holding high an inferno.
A swift thaw to rage
its heat upon the Earth was as sudden as thunder
powerful and frightening
consuming all.
Time stalled.
The sun sat on the throne of noon and did not move
it did not budge.
It needed to be noticed
to be seen
to be worshipped.
Its conceit cast no shadows.
High noon prevailed.
on and on
as degrees of time and temperature
bonded
everything felt its melting point
everyone saw its face.

II
Shade was at a premium
as jealous fire sought out places untouched
those hidden in the coolness of dark
shadows and caves.
burrows and tunnels
snaking a shimmering body through mines
not touched by light
exposing itself without humility.
Its spinning orbs of cruel radiance
caused the heavens to falter
and the Earth to relent.

Offering up blue veins
fields, forests and grasslands
were sucked dry of primary color
leaving behind lifeless yellow bodies.
The mountains blistered and oozed great masses
that pooled into hardened lakes of stone.
The water’s calm surfaces ruptured
with bubbling steam rising up
as hands in praise.

The sun demanded
homage
The sun demanded
submission
The sun
Demanded.

The earth came undone
brittle and hollow she lost her smile
laying dissolute in her nakedness
no bargains for relief
as the sun built its fortress
of baked destruction
and offered no mercy.

III
From faraway a cinder hesitated
in the swelter of perpetual noon
it wavered
as a flutter
as a bird
a bandit of night humming through tremors
of a fever
a crow in search of shelter
that flew and then rested wings of tar.


IV
A single fleck became black specks
a mirage of shadows that grew in numbers
one and then two
ravens
the last of the fallen saints
a thousand they flew as if the end was near
the labor of heavy wings covering the sky
like a blind ocean
the weight of the sun on their backs.
Yet below them one rested
now protected from the sun by their wings
the crow, a traitor
and in their black hearts envy bloomed.
Each of the thousand laid eyes on him
and the heat made them monsters.
A thousand descended and his soul grew cold.
In force they cooled their heat and satisfied
their viciousness.
macabre frenzy
a murder of crows.

V
And the sun watched
from high
all that was done.
gluttony of spite, frailty of honor
a tragedy of vengeance
the wretchedness of betrayal.
It was a calamity of judgment,
ending with the last word uttered
unheard.
A day when the source of light
no longer conspired with the stars and
heavenly hosts recovered the night.

A shift in the eclipse
the sun bowed and fell westward
sinking into black feathers
that turned to ash
as the world burned white
like a dove.


this is a newly edited version using some suggestions that I recieved..thanks to all of you.

Crows and Ravens are of the same bird family Corvidae and are interchangeable in this piece.

*a group of crows is known as a "murder"*

thanks to everyone that took an interest in this poem. I very much appreciated all the feedback and comments.

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Last edited by graphitegirl on Wed Jul 16 0:15:41 EDT 2008; edited 5 times in total
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MidnightPoet
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11 11:00:07 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Wow... a world with no midnight is an absolute nightmare.

Its conceit cast no shadows and shade was at a premium.

I loved this line, it really gave me that "inescapable" feeling.

There would be a lot of ways this could be "narrowed" down, but I dont think it should in my opinion. It is long, but I was engaged the entire time. Every little detail was important to get the overall sense of the severity.

A few things though. I believe, and I am not sure on this, that ravens and crows are different. They are part of the same family, but ravens are much larger then crows are. Ravens also have different types of beaks, ravens have a crook while crows are straight and narrow. Also, ravens and crows are ancient symbols of death and the afterlife, so it seems odd that they should be the saviors of the earth. Unless the irony is what you intended.

Anyways, this was a very very good piece. Nicely done GG.

"heavenly hosts recovered the night" Favorite part of the whole thing Razz

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12 1:13:05 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Hello MP
thanks for bearing through the long read. I started the poem actually with the line "a murder of crows" I had never heard that reference until recently and found it quite interesting.
Good to know about ravens and crows. I don't really think I thought they were exactly the same but I thought I could interchange them. Maybe not.
Also symbols of afterlife I don't think I knew that but they usually have a negative connotation.

I can't thank you enough for all of your input. I really do appreciate it. gg

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12 10:44:49 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Just on a level of impulse, I like ravens much more. Maybe it is because of Poe.

I say if you work in a line somewhere in there about how odd it is that birds with that reputation are saving the earth, it would be a little logical bombshell. Make it sort of vague though, so some people get it and some perhaps may not. That is just me. It feels rewarding when you see that stuff and understand it.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12 10:51:20 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

yes, the title really fits this piece. you did not lose the grip in this long poem. great job, gg.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12 18:28:08 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
High noon prevailed.
I like the line before same as Midnight
but this continuation closes the strength of its emphasis.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13 11:02:28 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

MidnightPoet wrote:
Just on a level of impulse, I like ravens much more. Maybe it is because of Poe.

I say if you work in a line somewhere in there about how odd it is that birds with that reputation are saving the earth, it would be a little logical bombshell. Make it sort of vague though, so some people get it and some perhaps may not. That is just me. It feels rewarding when you see that stuff and understand it.

chewing...

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13 11:03:40 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

NoGoody wrote:
CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
High noon prevailed.
I like the line before same as Midnight
but this continuation closes the strength of its emphasis.

thanks NG!!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13 11:08:24 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

mamta wrote:
yes, the title really fits this piece. you did not lose the grip in this long poem. great job, gg.

good to mamta. I hate it when I feel the reader is trudging through.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 2:33:08 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

wow, it is epical indeed, gg... i'll be thinking about it for some time, but right off the bet, why is there two part ones? on purpose or an oversight? just curious.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 6:14:18 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

just a question though , where were the rest of the birds and planes ? why did only the ravens sweep the covers in ? are all of us ravens in a way? like perhaps eckyl and hyde ? what do you think ?

and though I do love this piece , i also am thinking so much , i would love to hear your thoughts .
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 15:45:00 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Love! Wow!

What a harsh, cruel, demanding sun. Sad

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 23:35:59 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Bogeyman wrote:
wow, it is epical indeed, gg... i'll be thinking about it for some time, but right off the bet, why is there two part ones? on purpose or an oversight? just curious.

good eye. I will fix that. yes an oversight.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 23:40:35 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

alana wrote:
just a question though , where were the rest of the birds and planes ? why did only the ravens sweep the covers in ? are all of us ravens in a way? like perhaps eckyl and hyde ? what do you think ?

and though I do love this piece , i also am thinking so much , i would love to hear your thoughts .

It's like fast forward. Instead of putting in all the detail. I left some for your imagination and only focused on the details that are important and only the main characters. I'm not sure that we are all ravens but I think we have tendancies. People are fickle at times yes kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.
what else do you think? what about the ending? happy or not?

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14 23:42:02 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

superjill wrote:
Love! Wow!

What a harsh, cruel, demanding sun. Sad

good perception Jill

only in the beginning...

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15 4:31:57 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

OK gg, i thought about it and i here's my few cents (may sound a bit clinical, so please keep in mind that i love the poem, just want perfection, since you got us spoiled with so many perfect ones Smile):

The sun sat on the throne of noon and did not move
time stalled
it did not budge.
It needed to be noticed
to be seen
to be worshipped.

In this part, every "it" after "time stalled" refers to time, not sun.

"shade was at a premium" should be moved to the beginning of the next stanza, imo. better place for it and "it's conceipt cast no shadows" stands good on its own.

Fields, forests and grasslands
an abundance of green,
offered up blue veins of primary color.
sucked dry
leaving behind lifeless yellow bodies.

This one needs a re-write to address grammar and logic, imo. A second sentence is not good on its own. (as an idea: Fields, forests and grasslands, once an abundance of green, got primary blue sucked out of them. Lifeless yellow bodies remained.)

Brittle and hollow she lost her smile
laying dissolute in her nakedness
no bargains for relief

this is about Earth, but everything just prior to it is about the Sun. Needs re-write.

a murder of crows - there was only one...

and the sun watched from high all that it was - not clear as a sentence. Needs either connected to the next one, or simply say "and the sun watched it all from above" or "saw it all from above" (simpler is better, imo)

that's about it. great idea for an epic. Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15 17:43:25 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

A lot to take in here but you have handled it well! Your attention to detail throughout is impressive. I'm generally not big on one word titles and instinctively would like a juicier one but "epic" feels right ...

Enjoyed the read ...

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15 21:55:58 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

Bogeyman wrote:
OK gg, i thought about it and i here's my few cents (may sound a bit clinical, so please keep in mind that i love the poem, just want perfection, since you got us spoiled with so many perfect ones Smile):

The sun sat on the throne of noon and did not move
time stalled
it did not budge.
It needed to be noticed
to be seen
to be worshipped.

In this part, every "it" after "time stalled" refers to time, not sun.

"shade was at a premium" should be moved to the beginning of the next stanza, imo. better place for it and "it's conceipt cast no shadows" stands good on its own.

Fields, forests and grasslands
an abundance of green,
offered up blue veins of primary color.
sucked dry
leaving behind lifeless yellow bodies.

This one needs a re-write to address grammar and logic, imo. A second sentence is not good on its own. (as an idea: Fields, forests and grasslands, once an abundance of green, got primary blue sucked out of them. Lifeless yellow bodies remained.)

Brittle and hollow she lost her smile
laying dissolute in her nakedness
no bargains for relief

this is about Earth, but everything just prior to it is about the Sun. Needs re-write.

a murder of crows - there was only one...

and the sun watched from high all that it was - not clear as a sentence. Needs either connected to the next one, or simply say "and the sun watched it all from above" or "saw it all from above" (simpler is better, imo)

that's about it. great idea for an epic. Smile

thanks B I was looking for some of that kind of feedback so I will take it under wing and see about revising.

one thing though

a murder crows yes one crow but many plus ravens. I was considering them the same. Just trying not to repeat crow. I'll think about that as well.

thanks for critiquing it so well. Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15 21:57:36 EDT 2008    Post subject: Re: epic Reply with quote

walrus wrote:
A lot to take in here but you have handled it well! Your attention to detail throughout is impressive. I'm generally not big on one word titles and instinctively would like a juicier one but "epic" feels right ...

Enjoyed the read ...

walrus

thanks walrus. I generally always pick one word titles but couldn't come up with anything better. If you think of something I will be here.

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