edit

My eyes are bigger
than my heart.
I squint
to squeeze you
into focus.
You are larger
than the white
lies you tell me.
Because we are not
fond of solitude
it could be comforting
for us to share
the one chair.
I could rest
on your arm
and you could place
the rug back
under my feet.
Then once again
we'd end
at the beginning.


not sure if this works or does what I want it to do. Any helpful thoughts would be appreciated.

I have a few questions:

Why you wrote:

the one chair instead of the same chair.

place the rug back over me

And the last 3 lines, they mean to start and repeat the nice sharing, or go back to the beginning like to be alone?

Then somehow my mind thinks of poverty as the beginning, one chair, one rug.

I think that to be able to answer

not sure if this works or does what I want it to do. Any helpful thoughts would be appreciated.

I need more input on what you want it to do.
What is the story behind the poem?

well, I think I chose the one chair because it's the one relationship that they are sharing. It could be the same relationship but it sounded more at odds to me to say one. More isolated I think.. but it would make it warmer to use same I agree.
some of the lines in this are rewritten cliches
my eyes are bigger than my heart.. my eyes are bigger than my stomach
you could place the rug back over me..you pulled the rug out from under me.
once again we could end at the beginning. We could start over.
so those are the things I wondered if they worked or not. Now what do you think?

Some knocker , knocking the odd fighting voices all over the one place they were supposed to be speaking . Astonishing Ma'am, the key word for me in teh poem is "could " , the way it repeats .

RaulTho wrote:

Some knocker , knocking the odd fighting voices all over the one place they were supposed to be speaking . Astonishing Ma'am, the key word for me in teh poem is "could " , the way it repeats .

Oh my do you think was "could" overkill..LOL!

You mean thing !

Love the lines :

"My eyes are bigger
than my heart.
I squint
to squeeze you
into focus."

whoa ! humor !!!! good to read Geez again

Then once again
we end
at the beginning.

tweak this a little bit, gg.

graphitegirl wrote:

well, I think I chose the one chair because it's the one relationship that they are sharing. It could be the same relationship but it sounded more at odds to me to say one. More isolated I think.. but it would make it warmer to use same I agree. some of the lines in this are rewritten clichés my eyes are bigger than my heart.. my eyes are bigger than my stomach you could place the rug back over me..you pulled the rug out from under me. once again we could end at the beginning. We could start over. so those are the things I wondered if they worked or not. Now what do you think?

In that case, I think it works just fine. When it comes to love poetry, we could think that all is cliché however, what makes this poem interesting is that those lines you think are cliché don't feel cliché at all. In love poetry the problem with cliches is falling into corniness, in this case doesn´t happen, I think it is a very good poem indeed.

The one chair is an original way to say what you want, and I think works just fine.

gg, I think the reworked clichés work. I might change the rug one; perhaps along these lines:

I could rest
on your arm
and you could place
the rug back
under my feet.
Then once again
we end
at the beginning.

Fine writing!

L.

anna - thanks love glad you liked it

mamta- I took out one of the many "coulds" but I will look at it again.

zhaul - thanks for your opinion and perspective it is always good to have.

L - I like the revision. It brings more clarity to the reverse cliche'.

thanks for all the comments!

I like L's revision. I like how the images you chose almost try to distract from the pain as you would in real life, to look at any bland object to focus yourself on something less agonizing. Or maybe it's just me...

ThursdayRain11 wrote:

I like L's revision. I like how the images you chose almost try to distract from the pain as you would in real life, to look at any bland object to focus yourself on something less agonizing. Or maybe it's just me...

thanks TR..I had revised it as well.