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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY>
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A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY>


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dav.smith
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22 2:12:02 EDT 2009    Post subject: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I was not there back then,
But I am sorry-
That your people were slain ,
That your women were raped,
And your children stolen.
For the deseases that were cast apon you whilst in chains.

What drives men to do such crimes?
And inflict such pain- I can not say.
They came over here and took not just your lands,
But your culture, beliefs and dream times.

Sadly my aboriginal friends,
You were not the only ones.
For the theft of Africans from their home lands were wide spread.
As too the tribes of the Amazon
The South America's
and the North American indians.

I say to you,.
My generation must now carry this burden.
I ask only that you accept my deepest apologies,
As I am truely and honestly sorry for your pain and lose..

From the poetry section, read the original here: Original Poem


Last edited by dav.smith on Tue Apr 28 4:38:29 EDT 2009; edited 2 times in total
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Huberjack
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22 16:56:39 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I admire your willingness to tackle social issues and historical wrongs. However, this piece seems shallow in content compared to the subject you've chosen. Your sentiment is not shallow, but the content is.

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loisseau
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22 16:59:48 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

What Jack said.

L.
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dav.smith
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24 6:20:59 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I agree with your comments totally.The more I look at it , the more I see needing fixing. I might of bitten of more than I could chew with this one. I really appreciate the honesty every one is showing.I may have to be put in the hard basket.Thanks all.dAVE.

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Huberjack
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24 9:09:04 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

That may be a little drastic. I think with some work and expanding, it can become a very good piece. On a work-in-progress such as this, I would at least put it aside and come back to it in a few days or weeks. Also, you can post it in The Rewrite Workshop to get more in-depth help with it.

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25 13:49:54 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I believe that the problem lies in that is sounds like pity, not empathy. Maybe a character or two would make it more clear and to the point. A story about someone you knew or men, who was treated poorly, then a stanza of this poem then another story and then two stanzas. Do you see how that could bring it to life? Instead of "I am a white man and I pity the poor minorities who suffer because I am white and my anscestors were mean" See?

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dav.smith
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 26 2:40:09 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

Butterfly I think you may have something there,In the fact that if I add a character to it it would bring it to life.Thanks for your support. Will get to it as soon as I can.dAVE

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 26 7:26:39 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I will check again later! I am interested to know what you come up with....

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dav.smith
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30 3:38:59 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

Hi all,After tweeking the poem. I was game enough to show some aboriginal colleges at work,and they were happy with what I have got here. So Thanks to all that made comments. Will still play around with it alittle bit. They have asked for a copy to put in their home. So this makes me very happy. Again thanks all, and if you think that it needs more please let me know of your ideas.dAVE

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Huberjack
Told love the world was on fire


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Poet of the Month!Haiku contest: 3rd placeHaiku Contest- 1st placeStaff Picks!Best Critic/July 2009!Staff Picks/Septemeber 2009second winner/ekphrastic poetry contestStaff Picks/December 2009Judge/leave the lights on contestStaff Picks/February 2010Judge of Luck of the 'I wish' contestJudge - Quartely Poetry ContestJudge - holiday poetry contestPoem of the Month/January 2011


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30 9:55:03 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

It would have been nice to see the original poem left intact so that readers can compare it to the edited version, and also consider the comments left by others, which now may or may not be valid, or even make sense. The original is sometimes better than the edited version, or the second version may be better than the third, but how is one to know? Typically I add a comment to show a new version rather than edit the original post.

I'm glad that you got some validation for your work. That is often important.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30 16:21:00 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

I agree with Huberjack. Looking forward to a re-write.
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dav.smith
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PostPosted: Fri May 1 2:28:44 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

Oops, say sorry about that, still learning heaps about the site. I can return the original one back to the workshop, If it will help others to see the changes I made. Thanks for message. And for being honest in your comments Huberjack. Please, any advice/anytime,I will be willing to listen to.dAVE

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TomZart
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PostPosted: Tue May 5 21:44:05 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

Your poem is a masterpice of passion and human pain.

Tom Zart
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butterflyzrfree
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Tue May 5 23:44:23 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: A WHITE MAN SAYS SORRY> Reply with quote

Hi! Poem is getting much better. You didn't want to add a character? Thats just my opinion. also, little know fact: Many of the black "indiginous' tribes of the amazon ate actually escaped slaves that established camps, then tribes where the slaveowners could not find them. There are tribes of many colors if you watch documentaries about the amazon and neighboring areas. I saw one that I actually thought was about Africa, because I have a decent knowledge of many african religions and cultural practices, and these were very very close...just a note... good luck! We would not be so busy commenting on it, if we were not so interested!!! Smile

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