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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > Save It
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Save It


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Beauty_In_Pain
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 2:58:34 EST 2009    Post subject: Save It Reply with quote

Just save it Boy
I don't want to be rude
But you should know by now
I don't want to be used

I've seen you around
And you know it's a shame
You've had how many girls?
Like it's some kind of a game

You can save the sob story
About how bad your life is
That wont inspire me
To give you a kiss

You spin the lines around,
but nothings really changed
I won't be the new topic,
Another girl that you banged

This is me walking away
Because you're probably diseased
Save the "Rejected" comeback
We know the slut isn't me

I don't care 'who' you think you are
Truth is you're a whore
You've bragged how many times?
Of having eight girls or more

Your true colors are shown
So I won't wish you good luck
Please save the "I love you"
Find someone else to fuck

_________________
"The mind is it's own place, and in it one can make a hell of heaven or a heaven of hell''


Last edited by Beauty_In_Pain on Sat Nov 7 17:59:07 EST 2009; edited 1 time in total
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lukaki26
Galileo is laughing at you from on high


Galileo is laughing at you from on high



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Posts: 933
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Location: East Sussex, England

PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 9:38:06 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Save It Reply with quote

I like this very much. I worry sometimes that I get seen as this type of person, looking for answers in the arms of another, not finding them and then moving on. I think there might be hope for me yet, but It's a slippery slope.

You say in the poem that this person brags that he has more than eight sexual partners. I am guessing that he is still fairly young. Let's hope he sees the error of his ways.

The poem has a universal theme. I'm sure many will relate to this, both the narrator and the person it is addressed to.

I like the anger.

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Bogeyman
Site Curator


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 11:10:25 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Save It Reply with quote

agree with lukaki's assessment. for a young boy to have so many partners is a bit too much. i don't know what the right number is, though - maybe 5? just kidding. the problem is, boys just want to fuck, while girls are looking for love (they mature faster).

some grammar, nits, suggestions:

Just save it Boy, ---> move the comma to in front of Boy
I don't want to be rude
But you should know by now, ---> since punctuation is not consistent in this piece, i'd remove all unnecessary commas, like this one. or properly punctuate the whole thing.
I don't want to be used

I've seen you around
And you know it's a shame ---> you cap every line - why? just curious.
You've had how many girls?
Like it's some kind of game --> "a" game?

You can save the sob story
About how bad your life is
That wont inspire me ---> won't
To give you a kiss

You spin the lines around,
but nothings really changed---> nothing's
I won't be the new topic,
Another girl you banged

This is me walking away
Because you're probably diseased ---> dead? that's what diseased usually means...lol
Save the "Rejected" comeback
We know the slut isn't me ---> "me" is used twice in this stanza and this line sounds awkward, since it doesn't logically follow the previous line.

I don't care 'who' you are,
Truth is you're a whore ---> "i don't care who you think you are" would make this clearer
You've bragged how many times? ---> i'm sure it's not the number of times he bragged that matters. if he bragged only once, would it be better?
Of having eight girls or more

Your true colors are shown
So I won't wish you good luck
Please save the "I love you"
You just want someone to fuck ---> a very obvious statement. "find someone else to fuck" may be a stronger ending.

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Huberjack
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 11:15:25 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Save It Reply with quote

Most people here know I don't care for profanity except in the most extreme cases where it might be appropriate. This seems frivolous here.

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Jack Huber
=============================
"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."
--Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
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Beauty_In_Pain
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Joined: Jul 21, 2009
Posts: 118
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 17:56:37 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Save It Reply with quote

Thank yall for all your comments. I very much appreciate the feedback.

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Beauty_In_Pain
Knows how to edit


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Joined: Jul 21, 2009
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Location: Online

PostPosted: Sat Nov 7 17:59:53 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Save It Reply with quote

Hopefully that reads better?

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