Here is my poem for that crippled contest. I was hoping some of you could critiques it...

Truth is, my brother and I,
get sick of her being sick.
After all, we are teenagers! She should
be driving us around!
Taking us to fun places,
not bitching about the stupid divorce
and my dad, who is nice,
gives us allowance every month,
as she can't.

Some days we help her out of the
wheelchair, give her the cane
or walker.
She has tons of 'equipment'
all over the apartment.
here are the sucky parts:

She expects us to clean the whole house
and we don't
Then she bitches on and on.
Like we don't have anything to do.
That we don't have jobs to 'help the family'.
Which means help HER with the stupid bills
And never buys me my favorite pastillos*

If I tell her she's a bad mother
then I feel SOOOOO GUILTY
since she totally loves us; she can't help
the Multiple Sclerosis.
I apologize right away.

Other days she cries.

But sometimes, I see her sleeping,
all messy in the bed, and
she looks pretty, even beautiful
Like she does in those old pictures of college,
And her eyelashes are still long now
She loves us so much
So sorry mom, for being angry.
She tries so hard, really, she does!

I cry. Why am I such a bitch?
She used to climb mountains in Colorado.
She got awards in college for intelligence.
Went to Europe by herself and took that train.
That stuff took courage.
She has guts!
Twenty-five years being sick with this
No wonder she gets worn out!
Every day says how much she loves us.
Ordering us clothes on-line since she can't
go to the stores
Makes dinner and even goes to that little grocery store
across the street.
She fought hard to stay healthy and to raise us.
I go in and talk to my brother

We will have to make a cake.



*Spanish word for dessert pasteries

I liked how the poem was written instantaneously, pure thoughts through the eyes of a disgrunted teenager.

Gail this is the goods babe. I remember having an ill mom as a teen you give a very befitting perspective.

This is an insightful piece. It takes me to the misery that my family/parents sometimes have. The word choice is good. The stanzas imho might need a little more organization for everything to fit smoother. I'm not so used to this compliment/Criticize

This piece takes me to financial problems and how the treat each other and it ignoring me as a kid still. Cuz' I'm 15.

And, what I meant by the organization is a lot of lines start with and. maybe you could find a way to change the sentence structure around and turn them into either, other words or but.
Sorry, I'm not so well at this. You asked for help and this is what came upon my thoughts.

Good luck. You're well experienced.

Thanks, Mark, for your sincere encouragement!
No Goody, it is helpful and fufillling to know that you shared a similiar experience and see the kids point of view.
Sammi, your comment was the key I was looking for for improvement! I completely changed it around-check it out! You are good at critiqueing without being rude about it! I appreciate that. Once I began removing the 'ands' as there were definitely too many, the teen mindset came through and the language more clear. Give it another read now, and tell me what you think! Thanks all

i don't know if this is how a typical teenager thinks about a handicapped mother. i hope not. scary - very selfish, cold. pretty repulsive picture you painted here. there must be something fundamental missing in a child's upbringing to make him/her feel this way. some basic human values are just not there. very sad indeed.

as far as the writing goes, since it is written from a teenager's perspective, the language and the sequence of thoughts are probably ok. it is not one of the poems that fall into one of the "like" or "dislike" categories. it has the complexity of message, has the characters, has the story, has the moral judgement, has the language attributes to properly depict the teenager, but overall this makes me want to put an extra sweater on. if this was the intent, well done.

btw, this was not a contest, as far as i understand, but a classroom assignment.

I guess I am trying to put a balance on the picture of the handicapped person as someone to be pitied and treated delicately. Rather. a teen would treat the parent just as they treat any parent while in there adolescent crisis: with anger and resentment. I chose this angle, and I guess I upset you, rather, horrified you. But the kids today are awful, and sometimes, horrifying.Was trying for a different angle, perhaps need a stanza showing the other side...kids talk tough, and act soft...in my experience...

I changed it up a lot and balanced it out. Still hate the end like, but the rest balances the characters and tightens the writing. Will see what others think about it. Feedback welcome...

I dig the rewrite Gail. But at the same time I'm conflicted. Because teenagers are selfish by nature usually, at least as far as I know.so in that case the original write was more accurately depicted. Either way still Helluva!!!

No Goody: I should have left both versions available. This was a mistake. However, no matter how hostile and selfish teens are, they do still have that childish side. Now there are some kids where this may not happen at all. But usually my kids do go back and forth, as did I, remembering adolescence. Of course I would use this as models for the characters. I am also not as sick as this character, although I do have my days, and I have had MS for almost 25 years. Well, maybe I am
Anyway, I have days where my kids seem happy to do anything for me, and even on rare occaisions, HANG OUT WITH ME! that means for no reward. Like watching TV last night. One actually did this. The other reads my poems and helps critique them, and seems to enjoy it. Still don't think my goal is achieved, and may scrap this poem and write another.Keep the good parts. Gail

Oh wow!!! I didn't understand that you are, in fact, NOT a teenager until I read through the whole thread! Well, this is a near perfect depiction of a teenage mind then. Though my mother is not physically sick, her mental sickness kills me and each day it reminds me of the normal childhood I did not have. As I write this comment, I keep looking back at your poem and I am shocked at how closely I can relate to it-- almost down to the punctuation. Well-written!!!

Jrblier--Thanks so much! this is a deep compliment! I am glad when people who have been in a similiar situation identify with my story-poems and this was as strong one, from someone who is very experienced in a similiar type of situation. I have posted this one on my site now, with very few changes. Your comments and that of everyone else, were very helpful in creating this poem! Pleased to meet you! Welcome to gp, if you are new! Gail

bff- I love that you went for this assignment! Interesting perspective- the narrator of these kinds of things is often the sick one, not the kid.

imo, this poem could start quite nicely with: "here are the sucky parts:"

Although I did not see the original, this feels mashed up. I didn't see a turning point. Instead, one attitude seemed to ooze into the other. I'd suggest you maybe physically rearrange the last few stanzas, or add a line or two that would make a sharp turn, from one feeling to the next. To me, this is much more teenagery. They can turn on a dime!

In class, there was a specific poem we had read beforehand: Cripples by Morton Marcus. We were actually talking about 'narrative' poetry that day. idk if you can find it online. If you can, read it.

Andrea: I will definitly try to find that poem! This is not particularly a narrative, is it. However, you are right, I did have a great deal of trouble with the turn. And I also felt it was incomplete.
The original read more like a rant. And, although teens do rant (as do adults) I felt it did need the other side. Thus the turn. This has been posted on my site for a week now, received many comments, so I don't know if a change on the final version is approprite at this time. I could save that for publishing...
Thank you very much for commenting on this! Of course, you know it is BASED ON, me, my MS, and my two teens! You know that, right? Although of course, the details are well, poetic license...I always appreciate your comments. I will consider this for my final version...

Love your avatar teech!!!!

this poem is sooo good. like how do you do that? are you published already. I could get you a deal... the use of the words 'mountain' and 'the' was awesome and correct me if I am wrong but I think you might even have used the words 'it' and 'and' yeah you could probably take on keats in and arm wrestle clearly the work of a lesbian