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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > I Kissed an Old-Aged Lover
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I Kissed an Old-Aged Lover


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MyMadamePoetess
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 6 20:04:22 EDT 2010    Post subject: I Kissed an Old-Aged Lover Reply with quote

I kissed an old-aged lover,
Grit behind the nails,
Stale cigarette smell over me hovers,
A bite that could pierce when all else fails,
A song in their tongue to inspire me,
Like a call to action you've taken me,
Beyond your reflection I cannot see,
What drew you to me willingly,
Cover me whole with your finger-tips,
Direct me to your deep desire,
Grip me tightly squeeze my hips,
Like a thousand sighs in the Vienna Boy's Choir,
Plunge into me like a sacred lake,
My virginal streams for you flow,
Touch me now but do not take,
All that I have come to know.

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jh89
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 9 8:15:21 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: I Kissed an Old-Aged Lover Reply with quote

The imagery at times is disturbing " Like a thousand sighs in the Vienna Boy's Choir " especially when the rest is of a sexual nature, it comes across as a very bad thing. If you want to use the metaphor of a choir make it angelic or heavenly it's less likely to offend or confuse the reader or both. I don't understand the rhyme scheme A-B-A-B-A-A-A-A-A-A-B-A-A etc. There are some original elements in this, however the choir line in context of the rest of the write stands out as very very disturbing.

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