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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Poetry of the Page and Stage > > AiD
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AiD


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RustyPeach
Intrigued


Intrigued



Joined: Jan 20, 2010
Posts: 8
Credits: 0


PostPosted: Thu Feb 11 22:48:33 EST 2010    Post subject: AiD Reply with quote

So while reading the America is Doomed blog, i came across one blog post that in conjunction with some other things got me a little ticked off and i decided to try and channel that into something else. So when you read this, just be a little angry.

There are parts of this i really like and parts I dont like at all and they will be pretty obvious. So looking for advice on how to change this to make it better.

Dear Mr. Whatsyourface
I am sorry you’re going to die,
But do you think I truly care?
Do you think anyone in this world
Really cares?

Let us talk about the senators,
The businessmen in suits,
The shady deals that go unseen,
What has come out of thee
In the past four years and more?
Any changes worth accounting for?

I make fake promises that I don’t keep.
I will lie to your face and laugh while I go to sleep.
I spit, babble, and spat lies while I play cheap.
I don’t care about you,
I could help you out,
Cut the salaries down.
Who needs more then 250k a year?
Those big banks spittle on their money,
It means nothing to them
"Oh lets go take a cruise, whom can it hurt?"
But oh Mr. Whatsyourface it hurts you.
It hurts who you represent,
The dying middle class,
Those pushed to the poor side.
You represent those with kids at home while you work 9 to 5,
It is the working class that is disappearing.
What’s the real unemployment rate you ask?
You say 10, I say 25.
You forget to count those who were downsized.
Big businessmen in suit fired and working for fast foods,
There goes their house, their kid’s futures and
Oh! Have fun with college prices some more.

I hope you die Mr. Whatsyourface
One less person in the country to worry about,
Lets stop kidding, who gives a fuck about you,
Who honestly cares about the small guy in todays world.
I hope your death doesn’t change anything,
That would be to much.
No one is going to notice your passing,
I wont listen to your last words,
I wont pass a reasonable health bill.
I promise I wont ever stop bailing out the banks
In an attempt to fix this shit economy
In the most unhelpful way.
So go ahead and die,
Your life is meaningless as it is.
This country says everyone has a voice,
But in reality, very little do.
And when they speak, nothing.
Do you have the balls to come stand before us
To try to change us?
I highly doubt you do.
So stop complaining and die already,
So I can forget about you.

I’m sorry I don’t care about you,
Even though that’s not true.
It is more than that.
I don’t even notice you,
The reason you may ask for this heinous crime
That gets committed every day
As time flies.
America is Doomed
Just look in front of your eyes.
Karma: 509.40

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Evanvan
Hey, my rank changed!


Hey, my rank changed!



Joined: May 28, 2010
Posts: 13
Credits: 0
Location: Hamilton College

PostPosted: Sat May 29 15:03:55 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: AiD Reply with quote

It kind of loses that power in S3-4. I like the small stanzas though. I dunno, maybe try breaking those big two up into smaller stanzas and finding more of a focus for each one? Just a suggestion.
Karma: 17.60

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