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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > Buried
Buried
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vexations Knows how to edit



Joined: Jul 21, 2006 Posts: 77 Credits: 0 Location: Knoxville, Tennessee

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Posted: Tue May 3 17:47:25 EDT 2011 Post subject: Buried |
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One red, white and blue flag
waves ripples of good riddance
to the evil one
wrapped in white
plunged below
calm cresting waves,
and committed to the North Arabian Sea.
The Most Wanted man
packed in a weighted body bag
is buried among fish
and seaweed
oceans away from the
ashes of Twin Towers
and Ground Zero.
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fogglethorpe Who knew we would get this far?


                 
Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 6244 Credits: 546 Location: Sonoran Desert

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Posted: Tue May 3 18:03:33 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Buried |
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I like this..the ending is especially satisfying. A suggested edit, to tighten it up:
Red, white and blue
waves good riddance
to evil
wrapped in white
and plunged below the North Arabian Sea;
The Most Wanted,
in a weighted body bag,
is buried among fish
and seaweed,
oceans away from the
ashes of the Twin Towers
_________________ Insert clever quip here. |
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vexations Knows how to edit



Joined: Jul 21, 2006 Posts: 77 Credits: 0 Location: Knoxville, Tennessee

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Posted: Wed May 4 7:34:28 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Buried |
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Thanks for your response and comments. I hope it is okay to post it with your suggestions.
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fogglethorpe Who knew we would get this far?


                 
Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 6244 Credits: 546 Location: Sonoran Desert

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Posted: Wed May 4 9:33:37 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Buried |
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Of course. I will look for it.
_________________ Insert clever quip here. |
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