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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > Buried
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Buried


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vexations
Knows how to edit


Knows how to edit
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Joined: Jul 21, 2006
Posts: 78
Credits: 0
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee

PostPosted: Tue May 3 17:47:25 EDT 2011    Post subject: Buried Reply with quote

One red, white and blue flag

waves ripples of good riddance

to the evil one

wrapped in white

plunged below

calm cresting waves,

and committed to the North Arabian Sea.

The Most Wanted man

packed in a weighted body bag

is buried among fish

and seaweed

oceans away from the

ashes of Twin Towers

and Ground Zero.
Karma: 797.80

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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
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Location: Some western outpost

PostPosted: Tue May 3 18:03:33 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Buried Reply with quote

I like this..the ending is especially satisfying. A suggested edit, to tighten it up:


Red, white and blue

waves good riddance

to evil

wrapped in white

and plunged below the North Arabian Sea;

The Most Wanted,

in a weighted body bag,

is buried among fish

and seaweed,

oceans away from the

ashes of the Twin Towers

_________________
Follow me down to the valley below
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul
-Porcupine Tree, from Lazarus
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vexations
Knows how to edit


Knows how to edit
Staff Picks/November 2010Staff Picks/December 2013Staff Picks/April 2014


Joined: Jul 21, 2006
Posts: 78
Credits: 0
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee

PostPosted: Wed May 4 7:34:28 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Buried Reply with quote

Thanks for your response and comments. I hope it is okay to post it with your suggestions.
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010Site Curator


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6995
Credits: 581
Location: Some western outpost

PostPosted: Wed May 4 9:33:37 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Buried Reply with quote

Of course. I will look for it.

_________________
Follow me down to the valley below
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul
-Porcupine Tree, from Lazarus
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