Some years back my wife were running from a hurricane and decided to go and visit some friends in Atlanta Ga. When we got there it was in the middle of the night. The street we drove in on went right up to the capital building. We started seeing the homeless all up and down the sidewalks. There were all different races and wrong doers everywhere we looked. Being from the country it was a nightmare getting ready to happen. I stopped at a phone booth and prostitutes hang out everywhere around this convenience store parking lot. When I walked to the phone with a small palm gun in my hand. Yes this country boy was scared shitless and as I put the money in the phone some dude decided to walk up behind me. No I did not show him a gun I just turned around and told him with very stern words not to walk up to close, I did not want him in my comfort zone.

When using racist slurs there is a right context to put them in order for them to be read as slurs without racist intent and it does not matter what your race is. I fear at times when writing something like this, that a person reading may read the piece and only see the slur that relate to their sensitivities and it blinds out everything else or someone will read and say I cannot believe he said that. Example I have another write that poets have avoided titled: A Different Shade of Clay posted and has been read 41 times many times and no one will touch it with a ten foot pole even though there is no racist intent.

As society we label people every day and not in the best of light. People say I don't see color or race and that is bullshit. Society itself by nature looks at color and race. Someone robbed you the police came, what race is the question, then you eather say one race or another. Then if it is a black man, here is where society sees color, dark skin or light skin, blind to color is just bullshit. You are not blind to the color of beans in your plate.

Please help me with this work, with content and title suggestions...


Labeling Beans… (social write)

In this antisocial world,
pulling everyone apart,
from everybody,
a total loss,
of trust and heart,
Atlanta 11:00 PM,
night opens the can,
the beans line the streets,
all the way,
to the capitol steps,
the homeless,
bag people,
the white trash,
the niggers,
the spicks,
the prostitutes,
the flesh dealing pimps
the hustlers,
the crack heads,
the dragon chasers,
the ones that lost control,
the drug dealers,
dealing their poison,
every lost soul,
the innocent,
from Americas underbelly,
it is not just the night,
that is cold,
you don’t see the faces,
you’re warm,
at home,
still cold,
all you see,
are the printed on,
labels of what has become,
an antisocial society.

Out are the do-good-ers,
giving away tuna fish sandwiches,
that don’t near fill the pain,
rushing home,
to their warm meals,
where no one cleans their plates,
central heating and cooling,
baths to wash themselves clean,
of 206 Washington Street,
beds that don’t feel,
like concrete springs,
sleeping at night,
they feel better,
feeling they done their part,
when they have change,
not one dam thing,
that will last till tomorrow,
it is enough,
to make a saint,
loss heart,
when the label,
on the can,
says beans.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, James. I might use
'whore' in place of prostitute though, in keeping with the theme; that is,
of the ugly labels we collectively attach to people that are inconvenient to us. I look forward to seeing where this ultimately takes you, but so far you have a very passionate piece.

I think this is a good poem, and I like it, my dificulty is with seeing it all strung out in a long line, which I think perhaps dilutes the impact. My suggestion is to play with the lines a bit and link them up into horizontal rather than verical strings and see how it feels to you. Maybe too some cutting is in order, I won't presume to do this, you might consider less iwords n the second stanza. Hope this helps. Its a fine poem. Warm Wishes, Tasha

electrictiger wrote:

I don't think you have anything to worry about, James. I might use 'whore' in place of prostitute though, in keeping with the theme; that is, of the ugly labels we collectively attach to people that are inconvenient to us. I look forward to seeing where this ultimately takes you, but so far you have a very passionate piece.

Chris I just got back to this and I am going to give it some more work... Thanks for your comment.

Pujakins wrote:

I think this is a good poem, and I like it, my dificulty is with seeing it all strung out in a long line, which I think perhaps dilutes the impact. My suggestion is to play with the lines a bit and link them up into horizontal rather than verical strings and see how it feels to you. Maybe too some cutting is in order, I won't presume to do this, you might consider less iwords n the second stanza. Hope this helps. Its a fine poem. Warm Wishes, Tasha

Thank you, Tasha for your insightful comment. You really gave me some good advice... BWP... James... Sometimes I have to put writes aside too work on them later and that is what I have done with this. I am even having second thoughts on the title and it is subject to change also.

Looking forward to more on this good poem. Warmly, Tasha

this is a great piece. I can understand your hesitation, but I think you have used all of the slurs to good effect in this piece. I agree with Pujakins - the short lines are a little difficult for me. you could do something like:

In this antisocial world,
pulling everyone apart from everybody,
a total loss of trust and heart

Atlanta 11:00 PM
night opens the can,
the beans line the streets
all the way to the capitol steps ...

There's some beautiful rhyming moments in the piece, and I don't think you would lose those by combining some of your lines - the rhyme works just as well inside the line as it does at the end of it, I think.

Even if you keep the short lines, there's a few places where you could eliminate the commas at the end of lines, which would improve the flow from one to the next:

In this antisocial world,
pulling everyone apart (no comma after apart)
from everybody,
a total loss (no comma here either
of trust and heart ...

I think it will read better if you reserve the commas to separate thoughts and images, rather than at the end of every line.

I really look forward to seeing the completed poem! I think you have a strong piece here!

James, here's a (partial) recast of your poem to use or lose for ideas. I didn't finish it, but it's just a thought. Feel free to completely ignore 'em all, by the way.

Atlanta, 11:00 PM

Night opens the can.
The beans line the streets
all the way to the capitol steps:

the homeless, the bag people,
white trash, the niggers,
the spicks and the whores,
their flesh-dealing pimps,
the leering hustlers, the crack-heads
and dragon chasers

pouring from america's slitted underbelly.
It's not just this night that's cold.
But you wouldn't know, would you?

You're at home, and warm.
You can read
the label on the can
of beans
those niggers and whores and
shapeless bag people cook
over little piles of burning trash.
You can spell the
cold on their faces
without having to touch it.

....etc.

This is far from perfect but a quick ramble. I think you can completely lose the commentary, like:

In this antisocial world,
pulling everyone apart from everybody,
a total loss of trust and heart etc.,

because the poem, once finished, will speak the message for you.

I have a question concerning language. Specifically, you indicate racial slurs but there is only one and since there is only one racial slur surrounded by a sea of general labels, unpleasant labels though they may be, I believe this is why the piece can be singled out as having a racist tone.

Now, this may be the intent and if so, there is not problem. If it is not the intent, you may want to approach it differently and it is easier than might appear.

After the the line "to the capitol steps" insert something like, "They are called" so that the judgement is seen coming from the same society condemned in the latter half of the poem rather than from you. Because right now the first and the second half of the poem clash in tone.

Additionally, you may want to consider both adding additional racial slurs and removing "the" as a prefix.

Lastly, the line:

"when they have change[d],"

I believe you dropped the "d."

This is an interesting piece, well worth pursuing.

I believe 'spick' would probably also be interpreted as a racial slur in addition to the n-word by most, so it's not really alone, though I generally agree with your assessment above.

electrictiger wrote:

I believe 'spick' would probably also be interpreted as a racial slur in addition to the n-word by most, so it's not really alone, though I generally agree with your assessment above.

I completely missed that. Good point.