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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Love Poetry > > fulfilled
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fulfilled


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PostPosted: Wed May 25 22:33:55 EDT 2011    Post subject: fulfilled Reply with quote

Between sepia earth and cinnamon dusk,
our ardent hearts pump blood renewed;
something unlike our vows-
ever unfolding
in promise's endless bloom.


Last edited by Deleted_User_6308 on Thu May 26 10:36:13 EDT 2011; edited 7 times in total
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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Thu May 26 5:22:58 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: us Reply with quote

I know this is trivial, but in L2 "us" is not grammatical, and for me it just stops me dead in my tracks. Could be "we" or "our"; personally I would prefer the latter.

L4, I would rather read "repeatedly" than "infinitely" - in this context, the meaning of the latter is a tad unclear.

Otherwise, a fine write - I especially like the last line.

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PostPosted: Thu May 26 8:23:00 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: us Reply with quote

meant - ardent hearts pumping blood renewed - thanks


I liked infinite because of the suggestion of " infant

but doesn't fit--you're right--
I changed it.... thanks


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PostPosted: Thu May 26 8:25:53 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: us Reply with quote

and repeatedly defeats my goal of not using "re"
because that is close similar to "renewed" - and my point is that it cannot be renewed because it is always in creation - that's the whole gist here-
cheers
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PostPosted: Thu May 26 9:48:08 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: fulfilled Reply with quote

Between sepia earth and cinnamon dusk,
our ardent hearts pump blood renewed;
something unlike our vows-
ever unfolding
in promise's endless bloom.


Last edited by Deleted_User_6308 on Thu May 26 10:37:04 EDT 2011; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 26 10:20:58 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: fulfilled Reply with quote

While I like the sentiment expressed, I am stumbling over word choices and the images they imbue.

I like the idea of the juxtaposition of the heart as a life sustaining thing and a inspiration for love and vows and how the one is transient and the other eternal but the language of the piece is too literal and stilted for me.

Now, I admit love poetry and I do not get along all that well, so I could be completely full of crap on this. But if you would like, I will post some suggested changes that I believe keep your message while building on a smoother flow.

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PostPosted: Thu May 26 10:29:11 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: fulfilled Reply with quote

the edit above you works well for me - but feel freee thanks
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PostPosted: Thu May 26 11:08:11 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: fulfilled Reply with quote

Here is my take on your sentiment.

Betwixt sepia and cinnamon
The earth and dusk embrace us
As ardent hearts pulse
and are renewed and reborn.
But our vows,
our love, our life, our certainty,
they remain unchanged
and forge eternal dreams.

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PostPosted: Thu May 26 11:20:16 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: fulfilled Reply with quote

I'm saying that their vows are ever forming, (their love growing) so there';s nothing to renew--I like it , but it's a diff poem altogether- glad to help inspire

As ardent hearts pulse
and are renewed and reborn.


I'd put it like this--

As ardent hearts pulse
in rebirth and renewal.


cheers and thanks
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PostPosted: Thu May 26 11:56:51 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: us Reply with quote

Ozymandias wrote:
I know this is trivial, but in L2 "us" is not grammatical, and for me it just stops me dead in my tracks. Could be "we" or "our"; personally I would prefer the latter.

L4, I would rather read "repeatedly" than "infinitely" - in this context, the meaning of the latter is a tad unclear.

Otherwise, a fine write - I especially like the last line.

yo ! bad grammar ain't never be trivial to me -- dear chap
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