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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues
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'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues


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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 23 8:58:56 EDT 2011    Post subject: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

.

cobwebbed mouths speak

flowering
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

.

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Who knew we would get this far?


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30 10:08:06 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

What kind of help are you looking for? I would rather start from a place of understanding and, honestly, I don't know how changing a word here or there would afford me that. It's your unique vision.
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Deleted_User_4315
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30 11:06:31 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

(I would leave off the flowering)
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swim though plankton filled air
wings mutely flap, drag despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

(just my vision of the poem)
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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 1 17:19:29 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

My only comment would be that you have got a rhyme in two lines which stands out and attracts an undue share of attention because it is not repeated elsewhere.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 2 12:33:16 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

how about....

dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses floats

swim though plankton filled air
wings mutely flap, drag despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame
Karma: 24.50

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 3:27:18 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

hugh (as usual) more than anything i want to know if the writ formed any connection with you as a reader. or through the vocabulary and or the imagery. the sentence construction. is it able to evoke anything. at all. if ive missed the mark in achieving that, any ways that could be suggested to succeed in that.




fogglethorpe wrote:
What kind of help are you looking for? I would rather start from a place of understanding and, honestly, I don't know how changing a word here or there would afford me that. It's your unique vision.

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 3:31:11 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

z - i sincerely appreciate your suggests. i dont think i would like to lose:

"cobwebbed mouths speak" - im having a closer look as to how you used/changed the tenses here. i will be back.



Zbird wrote:
how about....

dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses floats

swim though plankton filled air
wings mutely flap, drag despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3106.50

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FuchsiaFestival!
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 3:44:03 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer.


It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom.

Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this:

dust moths & motes
swirl in amniotic thickness and float

to what it is above:

and also dragging to dragged.

That's just my opinion, again.





Quote:
cobwebbed mouths speak

flowering
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

_________________
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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
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Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 3:47:10 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

ozymandias -i sincerely appreciate a read and comment from you.
do you not think perhaps 'air'/'despair' - and then 'flame' and 'plane' add a certain lubricity... accelerating - towards the extinguishing end (?) ie swallowed by the mouthing flame?




Ozymandias wrote:
My only comment would be that you have got a rhyme in two lines which stands out and attracts an undue share of attention because it is not repeated elsewhere.

_________________
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I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 3:57:02 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

rip torn. rip roaring read. makes this one worthwhile to me. thanks. your interpretation of the imagery is uber superb.


.

cobwebbed mouths speak

dust moths & motes
blossom
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

.


?

any better?

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:
I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer.


It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom.

Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this:

dust moths & motes
swirl in amniotic thickness and float

to what it is above:

and also dragging to dragged.

That's just my opinion, again.





Quote:
cobwebbed mouths speak

flowering
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3106.50

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FuchsiaFestival!
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
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Location: In my thoughts

PostPosted: Mon Jul 4 4:00:54 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

It is. A little bit, I love the poem. I just thought drag would work better. You used the term blossom, so I thought dragging didn't go with it. (Yes, I should have said drag on the first post instead of 'dragged.' It is your poem though. Your vision. Only you can garner up the exact meaning throughout this, for you are the writer.

wylde wrote:
rip torn. rip roaring read. makes this one worthwhile to me. thanks. your interpretation of the imagery is uber superb.


.

cobwebbed mouths speak

dust moths & motes
blossom
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

.


?

any better?

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:
I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer.


It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom.

Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this:

dust moths & motes
swirl in amniotic thickness and float

to what it is above:

and also dragging to dragged.

That's just my opinion, again.





Quote:
cobwebbed mouths speak

flowering
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

_________________
Hiragana characters are pretty.
Karma: 1863.20

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2662
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Thu Jul 7 5:48:40 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: 'speaking' in (inflamed)(doused)tongues Reply with quote

i continue to ruminate...

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
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