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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments?
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New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments?


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Pujakins
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29 21:31:52 EDT 2011    Post subject: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

Portrait of Summer

Daylilies nod keeping time, their
brassy orange petals trumpet music
for summer's flamenco.

Lush roadsides glisten in July sunshine
green bursts from leaves as if
flung from the brush of a mad artist.

Warm days slow me. Though tasks
grasp for time I am inclined
to melt into the green bright and rest.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29 23:13:56 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

'tasks grasp' is a bit of tongue twister in the last stanza. The final stanza is beautiful, and while the previous two paint a lovely picture, the denoument seems to ask a bit more of the first section of the poem to complete it.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30 5:06:58 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

I broadly agree with Tige. Also I would think about putting in a few commas in S1 and S3 to slow the pace and give that lazy, sleepy, summery feel.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30 11:04:06 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

Portrait of Summer

Daylilies nod keeping time, their
brassy orange petals trumpet music
for summer's flamenco.

Lush roadsides glisten in July sunshine
green bursts from leaves as if
flung from the brush of a mad artist.

Warm days slow me. Though tasks
grasp for time I am inclined
to melt into the green bright and rest.

okay, here are my ideas. just a thought but then this is the rewrite section Smile

Daylilies nod, their brassy orange petals
trumpet music, keep time
for summer's flamenco.

Lush roadsides glisten in the July sun,
green bursts from leaves as if
flung from the brush of a mad artist.

Warm days slow me. Though tasks
require my time I am inclined
to melt into the green bright and rest.
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Pujakins
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 1 20:25:58 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

Oooh, I am excited by all your comments. I will think on them and return with revisions soon. Thanks for your kindnesses, Warm Regards to all, Tasha

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Pujakins
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 6 20:43:55 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

Yes, finally, I have been less ceative lately, and so let this rest. Now i present an amended version. Waht do you all think? Let me know? Thanks!

Portrait of Summer

Daylilies nod keeping time, as
brassy orange petals trumpet
summer's flamenco.

Lush roadsides breathe in July sun
green bursts from leaves
flung from a mad artist's brush.

Warm days melt me. Though tasks call
I am inclined to dissolve myself
into the green bright landscape.

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 5064.90

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Deleted_User_4315
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 7 10:29:28 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

Pujakins wrote:
Yes, finally, I have been less ceative lately, and so let this rest. Now i present an amended version. Waht do you all think? Let me know? Thanks!

Portrait of Summer

Daylilies nod keeping time, as
brassy orange petals trumpet
summer's flamenco.

Lush roadsides breathe in July sun
green bursts from leaves
flung from a mad artist's brush.

Warm days melt me. Though tasks call
I am inclined to dissolve myself
into the green bright landscape.

By George! I think you've got it! lol... seriously I do really like this version! just the right mix!
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Pujakins
"I am RAREFIED!!!"



Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1480
Credits: 355
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Sun Aug 7 15:08:02 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: New Poem, hot off the press! Suggestions? Comments? Reply with quote

So glad you like it!!! Thanks for letting me know. I'll go post it now. Hugs and Blessings, Tasha

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