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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Love Poetry > > Insidious
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Insidious


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pixietude
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 2:23:02 EDT 2011    Post subject: Insidious Reply with quote

I can’t compete
and yet I refuse to give in to the fight.
You are torn from me in a way
I both respect and dread.
For everything you have done and been
led to the man asleep in my bed;

the man I adore and desire
in a way that makes me ache
because I’m always playing second
to a force I can’t overtake.

I thought the fight was over
when those blue eyes found my heart,
but somehow it’s not that simple
for her poison finds its mark.

I fight to take the forefront,
but feel that it is lost.
My importance seems to wax and wane
at such a brutal cost.
.
Is it my expectations;
tainted from the start?

Am I a true romantic
holding out for what is real,
or an unrealistic dreamer
owned by what I feel?

I love you so completely,
with everything I have to give,
and yet I end up empty
time and time again.

I fear the only explanation
is a flaw deep within me
because no matter how hard I try
you’re somehow lost to me.

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alana
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 4:01:35 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

this is a confused poem, excuse me for saying so, now why in the world would any sane person hold onto a piece of meat, which ads to nothing but adipose and a daily dose pf pain?

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induce
Who knew we would get this far?


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 5:19:15 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

pixietude wrote:
I can’t compete
and yet I refuse to give in to the fight.
You are torn from me in a way
I both respect and dread.
For everything you have done and been
led to the man asleep in my bed;

the man I adore and desire
in a way that makes me ache
because I’m always playing second
to a force I can’t overtake.

I thought the fight was over
when those blue eyes found my heart,
but somehow it’s not that simple
for her poison finds its mark.

I fight to take the forefront,
but feel that it is lost.
My importance seems to wax and wane
at such a brutal cost.
.
Is it my expectations;
tainted from the start?

Am I a true romantic
holding out for what is real,
or an unrealistic dreamer
owned by what I feel?

I love you so completely,
with everything I have to give,
and yet I end up empty
time and time again.

I fear the only explanation
is a flaw deep within me
because no matter how hard I try
you’re somehow lost to me.

Not to be rude, maybe shorter or a half version, would hit just as heavy and clear. (jmho)

andye
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pixietude
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 22:12:18 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

Alana, you usually like my poems. lol. I'm confused by your comments though. I give you props because I actually had to look up the word "adipose"; all I could find for a definition was that it means body fat. I'm curious to know in more depth what your interpretation of my poem was. I don't understand the "piece of meat" and "anipose" comment, though I do see that you get that I am in pain. Maybe some enlightment on my part would help. The poem was inspired by the fact that my fiance has a four year old daughter who's mother is literally (and trust me here because I am a licensed therapist) completely psycho. She is the person I feel I am constantly competing with for though he does not care about her anymore and hasn't for years they share a child which means this woman will constantly be in his life and my life. It is her crazy antics and attempts to destroy his relation with his daughter that invades our lives with constant false allegations, court conflicts and stress. I value your opinion so what would make this poem make more sense to others?

Andye,

Having an opinion is never rude, if I thought it was complete I wouldn't have posted it on the forum. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Can you help me understand what about the length bogs it down?

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alana
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 5 8:48:28 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

pixietude wrote:
Alana, you usually like my poems. lol. I'm confused by your comments though. I give you props because I actually had to look up the word "adipose"; all I could find for a definition was that it means body fat. I'm curious to know in more depth what your interpretation of my poem was. I don't understand the "piece of meat" and "anipose" comment, though I do see that you get that I am in pain. Maybe some enlightment on my part would help. The poem was inspired by the fact that my fiance has a four year old daughter who's mother is literally (and trust me here because I am a licensed therapist) completely psycho. She is the person I feel I am constantly competing with for though he does not care about her anymore and hasn't for years they share a child which means this woman will constantly be in his life and my life. It is her crazy antics and attempts to destroy his relation with his daughter that invades our lives with constant false allegations, court conflicts and stress. I value your opinion so what would make this poem make more sense to others?

well, it is because i like your poems that i comment, would you rather i say that it is great when there is room for improvement?
I understand the poem better with your comment. However like Andye, i too think that the poem can be shortened to deliver a better punch. If i were you i would combine the first two stanzas into 1 stanza of four lines, and so on,
there is a repetition of the idea there, though it is not obvious, however it does exist and that does tend to lead the reader away from the poem.

What do you think?

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Pujakins
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 5 21:30:51 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

I have to agree with the others here, and will offer some suggestions, with respect for your feelings and the hope to be of help, Tasha

I can’t compete and yet
I refuse to give in to the fight.
For everything you have done and been
led to the man I delight.

yet I must play second
to a force of hate apart
though I thought the fight was over
when our love filled up my heart.

I fight to take the forefront,
but feel that it is lost.
My importance seems to wax and wane
at such a brutal cost.

Am I a true romantic
holding out for what is real,
or an unrealistic dreamer
owned by what I feel?

I love you so completely,
with everything I have to give,
My heart hurts so unbearably
with every day I live.

I fear the explanation
is a flaw I cannot see
because no matter how I try
you’re somehow lost to me.

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pixietude
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 1:03:28 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

Alana, Thank you and of course I would expect nothing less than your honesty.

Pujankins, Thank you for the suggestions and I am working this.

Pixie

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zhaul
Been here longer than 3 servers ago.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 1:08:01 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

Oh dear, do I loved this:

Am I a true romantic
holding out for what is real,
or an unrealistic dreamer
owned by what I feel?

I liked this very much

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pixietude
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 3:04:51 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Insidious Reply with quote

thank you zhaul, I am tortured lately.

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