This is a poem I wrote and I want to know how you perceive the lines and meaning of it. I am not happy with some of the lines and have given in brackets which lines I want revision on. I have thought to myself that maybe I shouldn't have made the poem as complex as it is but I want to know how the public apprehension is like. I am not going to give a detailed explanation about the poem right now. I will do it, though. I also want help on capitalization of words and punctuation. Please help me out!

STATIC ON THE RADIO....
Left, have we, for the promised land,
Freedom to sing but the dark-hued songs.
Obsolete dreams echo in these straits,as
sufferance shall taste the fruits of peace.


United, the black hounds arrive sporadic
Will they quench with their iron-fist?
Or will the fires drink the same poison
which shaped the thoughts the mind now harbors?
(the last line is too long and "wordy" for me, any suggestions?)

Still, the insecure question us, for they
dare not look past their shroud of fear.
Nor believe that their mosaic of harmony,
Has now fallen into the concrete of tears.


We are not mere, inane gunslingers,
who play ushers to the orders from above.
We are the hollowed fighters who,
tend to your garden whilst you litter.


Amidst the bullets, we soldiered on,
But has his sacrifice gone into the void? (Im not particularly happy/sad with the above 2 lines, but any suggestion is welcomed!)
As "Danger Close!" was escorted by,
Silent static on the radio.


If any line/figure of speech is ambiguous/unnecessary, please do let me know.
Thanks!

Hi Aravind..I find this piece intriguing, but also a little oblique or esoteric. And that's ok..it adds a little mystique..but I will be unable to comment on the actual meaning and/or how well it is rendered.

So I will concentrate on language and pacing:

Stanza 1..

Left, have we, for the promised land,
Freedom to sing but the dark-hued songs.
Obsolete dreams echo in these straits,as
sufferance shall taste the fruits of peace.

could be..

We have left for the promised land;
freedom sings all but the dark songs.
Obsolete dreams echo in these straits;
the suffering shall taste the fruits of peace.

Just an example, of course. A few other suggestions..

Stanza 2..

United, the black hounds arrive sporadic
Will they quench with their iron-fist?
Or will the fires drink the same poison
which shaped the thoughts the mind now harbors?

In line 1, you have a contradiction. I would lose "sporadic".

In line 4, you were concerned about the length. How about..

which shaped their present thoughts?

Suggestion for stanza five opening lines..

Despite the bullets, we soldiered on;
but has the sacrifice been for naught?

Thank you so much. I'm sorry that you didnt get the theme/meaning of the poem.. I will post it, but not quite now!
I will change the last stanza lines. I made this poem to be a bit mysterious, actually!
Thanks again!

No worries.

The reason I wanted to understand it better is because I like it.

We left to find the promised land;
freedom sings the dark away.
Obsolete dreams echo in these straits;
suffering shall taste the fruit of peace.

United, black hounds arrive;
will they quench with their iron fists
until fires drink in the poison
that shaped the mind's harbor?

The insecure question us,
because they dare not look past their fear.
They believe harmony has fallen
into the concrete version of tears.

They feel we are inane gunslingers;
ushers full of heaven's orders,
but we are hollow fighters who
walk to your garden whilst you litter.

Forsooth, we soldiered thoroughly,
but sacrifice went into a void.
"Danger Close!" was escorted by
silent static on the radio.

In this poem, I almost feel like the contradiction reading it. Fighters who metaphorically fought for peace became stalked by both the insecure and the black hounds, while ushering themselves into somebody's garden. Instead of littering, they became the soldiers who understood the insecure for their fears; they understood that harmony was another version of 'concrete conception' or teary particles in their eyes, but, there was a sense of pride in their voices. However, the fighters themselves were disconnected from the whole process, so an elimination had to happen. Instead of desperately seeking kindred spirits from the black hounds, or symbolism for possibly jealousy, they discontinued sacrifice; it became that 'void' that you speak of. Nothing cancelled out the 'Danger Close,' because, if it was a closing, it didn't need an escort; all it needed was its silent self. It possibly was the psyche of the silence; the mastermind behind it all. So, instead of having solidified feelings, they recognized there really were none (even though, there were). The majority of this 'festival' was full of contradictory substances that subjugated some for their insecurity and others for fighting skills. I had a feeling you wanted me to give my interpretation, because, you wanted people to know.

Thank you so so so much for your valuable comment, Sammi!! Glad that you got the sense of direction of this poem. As always, I appreciate your rewrite and will take into consideration some of the changes in it, though I find some lines contradictory to my original idea!
It is indeed about the mentality of soldiers going into war and the situation around them. I will soon post my view of the poem. Thank you so much once again!

Thank you, Fogglethorpe! You dont know how valuable this workshop is to me! GP Rocks! ( reference to Mark's poem! )

I assure you that you will understand it better!

Hi, Aravind, Chiming in here with agreement with my fellow poets, the rewrking of the lines makes the poem much more accessible. My work was done for me here, as I cannot disagree with anything said. I was curious about concrete tears--an oxymoron, and wondered suddenly if that was a symbol for bullets? And the garden tending metaphor is a good one, I'd lose the "to" because the garden is best tended, rather than tended to--tending to implies watching over, while tending to me, means taking care of, physically.

Hope this is helpful. Warm Wishes, Tasha

Thanks so much for your valuable comments, Pujakins! Yes, the concrete tears can be a symbol for bullets.
We tend to your garden, whilst you litter means that the soldiers are watching over the people's land/country but they are resisting them. It is a metaphor of the attitude of the ppl towards the soldiers who came to protect them.

Thanks a lot Tasha!

Ok..Here is the detailed explanation of my poem.

Basically, it talks about the lives of soldiers who go to war and their difficulties there. Most of us have an understanding that soldiers are deployed so as to go and fight with their guns. Most of the time they are just there to ensure peace and cooperation. But the people there cannot see the reason for foreigners to be on their land.
STANZA ONE
It starts with the feelings of the soldier as they leave for war. They know that they are going into a war-hit & difficult place. They have abandoned their personal dreams in these dark times as they are going to make peace

STANZA TWO
This is more of a general viewpoint( or it can be the viewpoint of the natives). There is anxiety as to whether the army would start firing and destroying or whether the fights would die a natural death. This stanza is highly open for interpretation.

STANZA THREE
Here, the soldiers talk abt how the insecure natives behave towards them. They do not accept such soldiers upon their land as they cannot look past the fear and suffering around them. Hence they cannot accept that the delicate balance of harmony has been destroyed.

STANZA FOUR
Here, it is a more intimate explanation of the fighters. They are proving themselves to the people that they are not just men with guns. Not robotic machines that are made to kill. They are the ones who are now looking after the natives' land/country while the natives themselves try to resist them.

STANZA FIVE
Here, it is a sad and sombre closing as there is doubt and pride filled in the voices of the fighters. Danger Close is the expression used by marines/army to notify that there is imminent danger. The Silent static on the radio can refer to death or to the end of their sacrifices or both.

FuchsiaFestival has given a wonderful explanation as well, for those who are still in doubt.
I hope that you understood the depth of this poem. Thanks for reading.

i have posted my poem and I would love it if you all go & check it out and leave your valuable comments!

www.gotpoetry.com/Poem...07300.html

Thanks a bunch!

I did, and I liked it very much. You did a fine job of it. Warmly, Tasha

Aww..thanks alot pujakins! Lots of love!

I enjoyed this. May I suggest (this is just a matter of taste, by the way) a bit of distance. What I mean to say is, you have some freedom from the concrete in the form of the poem. I think you might be trying to stack too much definite meaning into it in too little space. But I am also a self-proclaimed fool on Wednesdays, Fridays, and any day it is raining.