I tried not to miss you,
but I remembered your hair-
how it splashed onto your pillow
like a shiny black river,
and glistened slightly
in stray beams of light;

I tried not to need you,
but I thought of your breath-
a soothing metronome
that kept the music of night
in perfect time.



Copyright © 2011 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved

i think this is beautiful, i was reading some of your earlier work and now it seems more fluid and simplistic.....but with greater clarity

Thanks Anna..I don't usually write this way..I wanted to make a simple statement.

exquisite. and i dont use that term lightly.

i have an urgent impulse to see the word 'spill' somewhere used in the 1st stanza...but that is simply me.

rocking.

you mean like hair spilled onto pillow as opposed to splashed?

hmmmm, splashed is more fluid, and out of the ordinary
spilled is the norm



Hugh, what is your take?

anna9 wrote:

you mean like hair spilled onto pillow as opposed to splashed? hmmmm, splashed is more fluid, and out of the ordinary spilled is the norm Hugh, what is your take?

anna - no. i love the use of splash. beautiful imagery. i was just whistful to see it used with in conjunction with 'spilled' somewheres....just an impulse at the time...al la...

i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line.....

wylde wrote:

i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line.....

case of way too baggy pyjams Mr Wild?

alana wrote:

wylde wrote: i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line..... case of way too baggy pyjams Mr Wild?

ms alana - ha! like marilyn i only wear scent to bed!

wylde and anna..thank you for your interest and insights.

I actually considered "spilled"..but chose"splashed" because it is a gentler word and denotes water a lot more for me. And water has a healing, spiritual kind of vibe. But I do understand how they could be used together somehow..that is actually a little intriguing.

The trick here is that this work seems to be very simple... but is in fact something that has a deeper meaning...

Good write...

Hi ytserresty..thanks for the read. I did want to just make a simple observation.

fogglethorpe wrote:

Hi ytserresty..thanks for the read. I did want to just make a simple observation.

I think what's good here is that it doesn't hit the reader with an "in your face" meaning. It is open to a lot of interpretations. Good job

Spilled. I won't comment.

I tried not to need you,
but I thought of your breath-
a soothing metronome
that kept the music of night
in perfect time.


I think this stands alone with loneliness, longing and love.

Pix

This is excellent. My only (tiny) quibble is the word 'slightly' in S1. It
seems extraneous, even if accurate.

ET..that is a worthwhile suggestion. I will make the edit in the finished section. Thanks for your insight.

Less is soooooo much more here friend. Strong write.

It's very beautiful and I have no suggestion for improvement except that I agree with electrictiger.

Your use of the word "metronome" in the last stanza suggested to me the idea of writing something with a more regular meter and rhyme. However, that would be a new poem altogether.

foggle, long time no see. I liked the structure of this poem. Its one thing to write poems with rhymes. And its another to write poems that "read well" if you will. I felt the words as i read them. Thanks for the write.

Hi LoST..and thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Wonderful images.

I really like the poem and the images. However, If i had to criticise: the line, but I thought of your breath-a soothing metronome, sounds as if there is something wrong, and annoying, with the voice of the person you miss - a metronome ticks, annoyingly, and keeps musicians to a certain beat. And also, the first two lines of the two stanzas sought of contradict the meaning of the poem: do you miss the person? or did you only miss this person once? and hence, only remembered her hair and thought of her voice on a once off?

if i could have a go at your poem, this is how I would do it:

I try not to miss you,
yet your hair, still,
splashes onto your pillow
like a shiny black river,
and sparkles slightly
in stray beams of ghosts;

I try not to need you,
Yet your breath, still,
Sings on your photos,
And moves to the metronome
that keeps the music of night
in perfect, perpetual, time.

I added the bit about the ghosts to better emphasise the fact that this person has died, in someway, but the thoughts of the person still haunts you. the word perpetual is used make the night seem long, as they would seem if you miss someone.

yannimo..thank you.

HeavenSmile..I appreciate your interest and your efforts.

I want to clarify that this is not a "death" poem. It is simply about one person missing another, for whatever reason. I was away from home on the evening I wrote it.

The metronome reference is softened with the adjective "soothing"..therefore it should not be construed as an annoyance, but quite the opposite.

The opening lines in the stanzas should be clear..ex:

I tried not to miss you, but..

I tried not to need you, but..

They are both followed by reasons that the narrator's efforts to forget about the subject, and just sleep, are futile.

ok i understand where you're coming from. however, i know that this is not a death poem. I meant it metaphorically, not literally, to say exactly what you said "It is simply about one person missing another, for whatever reason." i just didn't want to write all that out at the time. i suppose, however, that it came out the wrong way.

i'm still not convinced about the metronome. similarly, you can say something like " she's as beautiful as a telescope, that gives my eyes the dreams of the night sky," or something - what's beautiful about a telescope? do you see what i mean? when i first read that part about the metronome my initial reaction was that the persons voice was annoying.

This is a fine nostalgia poem. I wondered about the word "slightly" if it was truly necessary...glistened is such a nice word by itself. This is a nice portrait of thought. Thank you for sharing. I like the metronome, the rhythmic influence, very nice. Warmly, Tasha

Tasha..thanks.

And that is a keen observation about "slightly". Electrictiger also noted that, and I removed it for the finished version.