GotPoetry.com > > Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Love Poetry > > I Tried
GotPoetry.com

Help
Toggle Content .:: Home :: Poems :: Workshop Forums :: Register :: Features ::.
Toggle Content Judge this Poem

Toggle Content User Info

Welcome Anonymous

Nickname
Password
(Register)

Membership:
Latest: redgee34
New Today: 0
New Yesterday: 0
Overall: 16974

People Online:
Members: 1
Visitors: 115
Bots: 2
Staff: 0
Staff Online:

No staff currently online.

Toggle Content Paid Membership
Buy a paid membership and get more out of GotPoetry!

Advertise on the GotPoetry Advertising Network.

Toggle Content Donations
Donate with PayPal!
GotPoetry is a community supported site.
Due Date: Nov 30
November Goal: 230.00
Gross Amount: 0.00
PayPal Fees: 0.00
Net Balance: 0.00
Below Goal: 230.00
Site Currency: USD
 0%

Toggle Content Top Poetry Clubs

Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Love Poetry > > I Tried
My PostsMy Posts  SearchSearch   visitView posts since last: visitdayweekmonth

I Tried


Go to page 1, 2  Next
Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Love Poetry
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Mon Nov 28 22:08:52 EST 2011    Post subject: I Tried Reply with quote

I tried not to miss you,
but I remembered your hair-
how it splashed onto your pillow
like a shiny black river,
and glistened slightly
in stray beams of light;

I tried not to need you,
but I thought of your breath-
a soothing metronome
that kept the music of night
in perfect time.



Copyright © 2011 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
anna9
Moonwalked into a whiter shade of pale


Moonwalked into a whiter shade of pale



Joined: Oct 20, 2007
Posts: 1736
Credits: 392


PostPosted: Tue Nov 29 19:52:33 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

i think this is beautiful, i was reading some of your earlier work and now it seems more fluid and simplistic.....but with greater clarity

_________________
whew !
Karma: 14703.80

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Tue Nov 29 21:28:29 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Thanks Anna..I don't usually write this way..I wanted to make a simple statement.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2699
Credits: 6
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Wed Nov 30 8:04:20 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

exquisite. and i dont use that term lightly.

i have an urgent impulse to see the word 'spill' somewhere used in the 1st stanza...but that is simply me.

rocking.



_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3116.50

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
anna9
Moonwalked into a whiter shade of pale


Moonwalked into a whiter shade of pale



Joined: Oct 20, 2007
Posts: 1736
Credits: 392


PostPosted: Wed Nov 30 22:34:37 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

you mean like hair spilled onto pillow as opposed to splashed?

hmmmm, splashed is more fluid, and out of the ordinary
spilled is the norm



Hugh, what is your take?

_________________
whew !
Karma: 14703.80

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2699
Credits: 6
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Thu Dec 1 2:44:43 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

anna9 wrote:
you mean like hair spilled onto pillow as opposed to splashed?

hmmmm, splashed is more fluid, and out of the ordinary
spilled is the norm

Hugh, what is your take?


anna - no. i love the use of splash. beautiful imagery. i was just whistful to see it used with in conjunction with 'spilled' somewheres....just an impulse at the time...al la...

i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line.....




_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~


Last edited by wylde on Thu Dec 1 5:54:55 EST 2011; edited 1 time in total
Karma: 3116.50

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_5129
Galileo is laughing at you from on high


Galileo is laughing at you from on high
Staff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/September 2011


Joined: Feb 29, 2008
Posts: 882
Credits: 176


PostPosted: Thu Dec 1 5:35:51 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

wylde wrote:

i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line.....

case of way too baggy pyjams Mr Wild?
Karma: 1163.60

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2699
Credits: 6
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Thu Dec 1 5:58:14 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

alana wrote:
wylde wrote:

i spilled out of bed and splashed on some clothes line.....

case of way too baggy pyjams Mr Wild?

ms alana - ha! like marilyn i only wear scent to bed!

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3116.50

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Thu Dec 1 11:35:06 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

wylde and anna..thank you for your interest and insights.

I actually considered "spilled"..but chose"splashed" because it is a gentler word and denotes water a lot more for me. And water has a healing, spiritual kind of vibe. But I do understand how they could be used together somehow..that is actually a little intriguing.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ytserresty
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.



Joined: Jun 13, 2007
Posts: 628
Credits: 94
Location: Philippines

PostPosted: Thu Dec 1 13:58:29 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

The trick here is that this work seems to be very simple... but is in fact something that has a deeper meaning...

Good write...

_________________
"Oculos ejus dinumera,
sed noli voltum adspicere..."
Karma: 380.50

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Fri Dec 2 10:31:58 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Hi ytserresty..thanks for the read. I did want to just make a simple observation.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ytserresty
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.



Joined: Jun 13, 2007
Posts: 628
Credits: 94
Location: Philippines

PostPosted: Fri Dec 2 22:10:06 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

fogglethorpe wrote:
Hi ytserresty..thanks for the read. I did want to just make a simple observation.

I think what's good here is that it doesn't hit the reader with an "in your face" meaning. It is open to a lot of interpretations. Good job Wink

_________________
"Oculos ejus dinumera,
sed noli voltum adspicere..."
Karma: 380.50

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
pixietude
Likes the forums


Likes the forums
Staff Picks/January 2012


Joined: Mar 05, 2008
Posts: 262
Credits: 10
Location: California

PostPosted: Sat Dec 10 4:28:44 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Spilled. I won't comment.

I tried not to need you,
but I thought of your breath-
a soothing metronome
that kept the music of night
in perfect time.


I think this stands alone with loneliness, longing and love.

Pix

_________________
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity" -Poe
Karma: 296.00

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Photo Gallery
electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/October 2009Staff Picks/June 2010Blog Picks/ November 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Blog Picks/June 2011Staff Picks/December 2011Staff Picks/February 2012Blog Picks/January 2013Staff Picks/March 2013Staff Picks/August 2013Staff Picks/October 2013


Joined: Sep 18, 2009
Posts: 2291
Credits: 335
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

PostPosted: Thu Jan 12 6:07:28 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

This is excellent. My only (tiny) quibble is the word 'slightly' in S1. It
seems extraneous, even if accurate.

_________________
Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.
Karma: 2422.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Sun Jan 15 18:29:37 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

ET..that is a worthwhile suggestion. I will make the edit in the finished section. Thanks for your insight.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
NoGoody
Galileo is laughing at you from on high


Galileo is laughing at you from on high



Joined: Nov 06, 2007
Posts: 898
Credits: 178
Location: Detroit

PostPosted: Sun Jan 15 22:44:00 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Less is soooooo much more here friend. Strong write.

_________________
"Turn your downside upside down." -
Noah Goodman IV
Karma: 416.30

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/June 2009Staff Picks - June 2009Staff Picks/May 2010Staff Picks/August 2010Staff Picks/September/ 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Judge - holiday poetry contestStaff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2011gotpoetry curator


Joined: Apr 09, 2009
Posts: 2438
Credits: 233
Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

PostPosted: Mon Jan 16 4:28:10 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

It's very beautiful and I have no suggestion for improvement except that I agree with electrictiger.

Your use of the word "metronome" in the last stanza suggested to me the idea of writing something with a more regular meter and rhyme. However, that would be a new poem altogether.

_________________
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to stop and reflect.

- Mark Twain
Karma: 19773.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LoSt
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was



Joined: Feb 24, 2004
Posts: 1812
Credits: 6
Location: Tomball, Tx

PostPosted: Fri Feb 17 11:29:35 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

foggle, long time no see. I liked the structure of this poem. Its one thing to write poems with rhymes. And its another to write poems that "read well" if you will. I felt the words as i read them. Thanks for the write.

_________________
I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Karma: 98.90

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Tue Feb 28 12:36:09 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Hi LoST..and thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
yannimo
Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.


Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.



Joined: May 10, 2004
Posts: 570
Credits: 1


PostPosted: Fri Apr 20 11:46:57 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Wonderful images.

_________________
Time and space are but physiological colors which the eye makes, but the soul is light. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Karma: 142.15

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HeavenSmile
Newbie


Newbie



Joined: Jun 28, 2011
Posts: 2
Credits: 2
Location: Cape Town, South Africa

PostPosted: Sun Jun 10 6:27:01 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

I really like the poem and the images. However, If i had to criticise: the line, but I thought of your breath-a soothing metronome, sounds as if there is something wrong, and annoying, with the voice of the person you miss - a metronome ticks, annoyingly, and keeps musicians to a certain beat. And also, the first two lines of the two stanzas sought of contradict the meaning of the poem: do you miss the person? or did you only miss this person once? and hence, only remembered her hair and thought of her voice on a once off?

if i could have a go at your poem, this is how I would do it:

I try not to miss you,
yet your hair, still,
splashes onto your pillow
like a shiny black river,
and sparkles slightly
in stray beams of ghosts;

I try not to need you,
Yet your breath, still,
Sings on your photos,
And moves to the metronome
that keeps the music of night
in perfect, perpetual, time.

I added the bit about the ghosts to better emphasise the fact that this person has died, in someway, but the thoughts of the person still haunts you. the word perpetual is used make the night seem long, as they would seem if you miss someone.

_________________
Everybody does their music differently, this is how I do mine.
Karma: 63.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Tue Jun 12 9:55:52 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

yannimo..thank you.

HeavenSmile..I appreciate your interest and your efforts.

I want to clarify that this is not a "death" poem. It is simply about one person missing another, for whatever reason. I was away from home on the evening I wrote it.

The metronome reference is softened with the adjective "soothing"..therefore it should not be construed as an annoyance, but quite the opposite.

The opening lines in the stanzas should be clear..ex:

I tried not to miss you, but..

I tried not to need you, but..

They are both followed by reasons that the narrator's efforts to forget about the subject, and just sleep, are futile.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HeavenSmile
Newbie


Newbie



Joined: Jun 28, 2011
Posts: 2
Credits: 2
Location: Cape Town, South Africa

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23 23:01:53 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

ok i understand where you're coming from. however, i know that this is not a death poem. I meant it metaphorically, not literally, to say exactly what you said "It is simply about one person missing another, for whatever reason." i just didn't want to write all that out at the time. i suppose, however, that it came out the wrong way.

i'm still not convinced about the metronome. similarly, you can say something like " she's as beautiful as a telescope, that gives my eyes the dreams of the night sky," or something - what's beautiful about a telescope? do you see what i mean? when i first read that part about the metronome my initial reaction was that the persons voice was annoying.

_________________
Everybody does their music differently, this is how I do mine.
Karma: 63.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Photo Gallery
Pujakins
"I am RAREFIED!!!"



Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1477
Credits: 355
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Sun Jul 1 12:49:21 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

This is a fine nostalgia poem. I wondered about the word "slightly" if it was truly necessary...glistened is such a nice word by itself. This is a nice portrait of thought. Thank you for sharing. I like the metronome, the rhythmic influence, very nice. Warmly, Tasha

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 5080.70

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number Photo Gallery
Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Sat Aug 11 9:57:16 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: I Tried Reply with quote

Tasha..thanks.

And that is a keen observation about "slightly". Electrictiger also noted that, and I removed it for the finished version.
Karma: 71569.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Love Poetry All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Go to page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2


Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
 Forum FAQForum FAQ




GotPoetry - News for poets. Place to write.

GotPoetry is the most popular network of performance poets and poetry readings on the internet today.

Editors: John, Mamta and a cast of tens of others.
Publisher: John Powers

Content © 1998-2008
GotPoetry LLC. All rights reserved

Engine released under GNU GPL, Code Credits, Privacy Policy, Legal Notices

Search:
 
GotPoetry.com Web

Forums Search
Gallery Search
Advanced Search


Link to Full Archives
Link to all News Topics


Link for all submission options for this site.

Subscribe - Use an RSS reader to stay up to date with the latest news and posts from GotPoetry.

GotPoetry News RSS Feed

Subscribe with Yahoo!
Subscribe with Google

Other GotPoetry RSS Syndication -  You can syndicate other parts of our site using the following files:

Yesterday's Top News
Yesterday's Top Poems
Forums
New Photos
Blogs
Downloads
Featured Articles