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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Love Poetry > > Across the marbled face of time's expanse
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Across the marbled face of time's expanse


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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21 1:56:47 EST 2012    Post subject: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

(If anyone can think of a better title please let me know - I don't like to simply use L1 as a title, but can't think of an improvement! Other suggestions and comments also welcome of course.)

Across the marbled face of time's expanse
There falls your shadow, as a darkening day
May also wreak its havoc, should I chance
To comb through fields of dreams where once we lay.

Think not my heart of stone can long withstand
The etching wrought by deep and liquid eyes
That penetrate, as water into sand,
To claim my human weakness as their prize.

You saturate your likeness through my life,
As paltry beaches battle with the tide
And memory can but speak of storm and strife
Unless I clasp your image to my side.

There lies a withered tree upon the shore
Where once you came to me, but now no more.

_________________
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23 13:58:49 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

Hi Rory..a wonderful sonnet.

I stumbled through the meter in a couple of places..

In S1L2, maybe "darkened" would work better..?

In S3L3, there is an extra syllable. Perhaps "can but" could become "may".

Unless, of course, you are claiming poetic license..which some poets do, and that's ok.

Either way..a great marriage of angst and elegance.

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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23 17:40:55 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

fogglethorpe wrote:
Hi Rory..a wonderful sonnet.

I stumbled through the meter in a couple of places..

In S1L2, maybe "darkened" would work better..?

In S3L3, there is an extra syllable. Perhaps "can but" could become "may".

Unless, of course, you are claiming poetic license..which some poets do, and that's ok.

Either way..a great marriage of angst and elegance.

Thank you Hugh. I see your point, though I am inclined to argue for a bit of poetic licence to let me off the hook! I prefer "darkening" at S1L2 but I tend to agree with your suggestion for S3L3. As usual I will wait to see if I get other feedback.

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ebe-one
Has written a poem or two


Has written a poem or two
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23 18:27:01 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]"

or

"Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore.

That's my two-cents! Very Happy

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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23 20:24:01 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

ebe-one wrote:
"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]"

or

"Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore.

That's my two-cents! Very Happy

Thanks for that. I like the first idea in particular (re the second, I find the idea of hearts breaking rather cliched and also I prefer the idea of withering), and indeed I thought to myself that perhaps I should work it into the poem a bit more, but it's not readily apparent how that could be done without messing up the rhyme and meter. If you have any suggestions, I will be appreciative to hear them!

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“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski
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abdo11
Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.


Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24 17:43:14 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

u r the best my poet
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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/June 2009Staff Picks - June 2009Staff Picks/May 2010Staff Picks/August 2010Staff Picks/September/ 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Judge - holiday poetry contestStaff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2011gotpoetry curator


Joined: Apr 09, 2009
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Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24 18:06:58 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

abdo11 wrote:
u r the best my poet

I would have to argue with that one. If I were the best I would not be asking for advice from others. Please be reasonable.

_________________
“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski
Karma: 17823.20

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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/June 2009Staff Picks - June 2009Staff Picks/May 2010Staff Picks/August 2010Staff Picks/September/ 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Judge - holiday poetry contestStaff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2011gotpoetry curator


Joined: Apr 09, 2009
Posts: 2378
Credits: 238
Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 27 16:37:48 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Across the marbled face of time's expanse Reply with quote

ebe-one wrote:
"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]"

or

"Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore.

That's my two-cents! Very Happy

Thick as a brick, I must be! I only just realized that you were talking about the title of the thing. Here's me thinking you were suggesting I make more reference throughout the poem to the concepts of shore/ tide.
What a dumbo!

OK, I shall go with "upon the shore" and post it now. I shall also adopt Hugh's suggestion for S3L3.

_________________
“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski
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