(If anyone can think of a better title please let me know - I don't like to simply use L1 as a title, but can't think of an improvement! Other suggestions and comments also welcome of course.)

Across the marbled face of time's expanse
There falls your shadow, as a darkening day
May also wreak its havoc, should I chance
To comb through fields of dreams where once we lay.

Think not my heart of stone can long withstand
The etching wrought by deep and liquid eyes
That penetrate, as water into sand,
To claim my human weakness as their prize.

You saturate your likeness through my life,
As paltry beaches battle with the tide
And memory can but speak of storm and strife
Unless I clasp your image to my side.

There lies a withered tree upon the shore
Where once you came to me, but now no more.

Hi Rory..a wonderful sonnet.

I stumbled through the meter in a couple of places..

In S1L2, maybe "darkened" would work better..?

In S3L3, there is an extra syllable. Perhaps "can but" could become "may".

Unless, of course, you are claiming poetic license..which some poets do, and that's ok.

Either way..a great marriage of angst and elegance.

fogglethorpe wrote:

Hi Rory..a wonderful sonnet. I stumbled through the meter in a couple of places.. In S1L2, maybe "darkened" would work better..? In S3L3, there is an extra syllable. Perhaps "can but" could become "may". Unless, of course, you are claiming poetic license..which some poets do, and that's ok. Either way..a great marriage of angst and elegance.

Thank you Hugh. I see your point, though I am inclined to argue for a bit of poetic licence to let me off the hook! I prefer "darkening" at S1L2 but I tend to agree with your suggestion for S3L3. As usual I will wait to see if I get other feedback.

"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]"

or

"Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore.

That's my two-cents!

ebe-one wrote:

"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]" or "Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore. That's my two-cents!

Thanks for that. I like the first idea in particular (re the second, I find the idea of hearts breaking rather cliched and also I prefer the idea of withering), and indeed I thought to myself that perhaps I should work it into the poem a bit more, but it's not readily apparent how that could be done without messing up the rhyme and meter. If you have any suggestions, I will be appreciative to hear them!

u r the best my poet

abdo11 wrote:

u r the best my poet

I would have to argue with that one. If I were the best I would not be asking for advice from others. Please be reasonable.

ebe-one wrote:

"Upon the Shore" - I think the beach/ocean motif should be used; L7, L10, L13 all have beach/shore/sand/water in them. The shore, as I interpreted it, represents the progression and eventual loss of your love; on this shore is where she "once came to me," and now, there lies a "withered tree." I think of it like this: "upon the shore[where now my broken heart lies]" or "Where the Tide Breaks" - Sticking to this same idea, this title plays on the word breaks; the breaking tides on the shore where you won and lost her love, and the breaking of your heart, on said shore. That's my two-cents!

Thick as a brick, I must be! I only just realized that you were talking about the title of the thing. Here's me thinking you were suggesting I make more reference throughout the poem to the concepts of shore/ tide.
What a dumbo!

OK, I shall go with "upon the shore" and post it now. I shall also adopt Hugh's suggestion for S3L3.