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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > water poem--3rd version at bottom
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water poem--3rd version at bottom


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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 5 10:49:59 EST 2012    Post subject: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

When I finally die bury me
in the sand.
bury me deeply
so comfortable I will feel.
and leave my body in peace
the relaxation will envelope
as I rise, to my Oshun, my Yemaya
the sisters, who are to be in charge of
my next life.

Let my life be underwater
swim with the little fish and the whales
with the plants and lovely shells
and may I speak Dolphin
and have those friends
and heal the sick
and live out a life
of quiet
of peace.

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Last edited by butterflyzrfree on Wed Mar 7 6:54:49 EST 2012; edited 1 time in total
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Ozymandias
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 6 5:14:33 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

A few comments if I may, Gail:

The reference to Oshun and Yemaya is obscure to me and I guess to others who are not familiar with your religion. A footnote would help.

There is a bit of tension between S1 where you are buried in sand and S2 where you are living underwater. This is presumably due to a doctrine of rebirth of the soul - again it might help if you explained this point.

"envelope" should, as a verb, be "envelop", but it is not clear just what is enveloped. "envelop to" makes no sense.

A couple of phrases are a tad mundane, in particular "are to be in charge of" and "have those friends".

My opinion only. Hope it helps.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 6 11:04:57 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

I agree with Rory about the conflict in settings between S1 and S2.

But I like the references to Oshun and Yemaya as they are..I wouldn't dumb it down for readers. There is nothing wrong with challenging someone to learn something new.

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 7 9:16:32 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

Thank you so much Rory and Fogglethorpe!
I sincerely appreciate your input, as it is helpful. I had many ideas sort of, (to be coy) floating around in my mind which I wanted to poem. I now see where the second stanza is in general, much better, and I will combine the two and correct spelling as I do! So, here goes, hope you have a look!

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butterflyzrfree
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 7 9:22:31 EST 2012    Post subject: Envelop the Dead Reply with quote

Bury me in sand.
deeply by ocean
so comfortable I will feel.

relaxation envelops the dead
as I rise, to my Oshun, my Yemaya
the sisters, who will arrange for
my next life.

Let my life be underwater
swim with the little fish and whales
with sweeping plants and lovely shells;
and may I speak Dolphin
may I, speak that.

la life
of such quiet
of peace.

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Last edited by butterflyzrfree on Tue Mar 6 17:22:08 EST 2012; edited 2 times in total
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fengwenshusanglin
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11 4:43:27 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

Bury me in sand.
deeply by ocean
so comfortable I will feel.

This is more than singing, express the poet fantasy a hundred years later, the poet of the sea, as the poet's own cemetery

这以上的歌唱,表达出诗人幻想一百年以后,诗人自己以大海,作为诗人自己的墓地




Let my life be underwater
swim with the little fish and the whales
with sweeping plants and lovely shells;
may I speak Dolphin
and thus have friends
healing the sick; living a life
of quiet
of peace.

This singing,
Expression of a poet, a number of the most beautiful life of nature, the deepest love, this love of the poet on the nature of the many beautiful life

The poet has been very ill, but to the nature of the many beautiful natural life, and many beautiful natural life, it will cure diseases of the poet,
So, this poem, the poet wrote to the nature of love songs, love of nature to express the poet's


这歌唱,
表达出了诗人,对大自然的众多美丽生命最强,最深的热爱,这诗人对大自然的众多美丽生命的热爱,已经使诗人得了重病,但去到大自然的众多美丽自然生命中,众多美丽自然生命,就会治好诗人的疾病,
所以,这诗歌,是诗人写给大自然的情歌,向大自然表达诗人的爱情,
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fengwenshusanglin
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11 4:45:47 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

问好butterflyzrfree,


我是starseven0
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butterflyzrfree
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17 23:34:27 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

Fengwenshu! So nice to hear from you! And so glad you liked my poem! I am gratefull for all of the help you have offered. Nice to see you back and thanks!

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 6 17:22:39 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

Hows this Rory, Hugh?

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Ozymandias
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 7 0:41:59 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

butterflyzrfree wrote:
Hows this Rory, Hugh?

The second version is an improvement IMHO, although I still see the same tension as to the setting.

Although as Hugh said there is nothing wrong with challenging readers to learn something new, on the other hand I don't approve of poems which can only be understood by the average reader if he or she has an encyclopaedia at hand. You don't have to dumb the poem down, the matter can be addressed by a simple footnote to the poem explaining about Oshun and Yemaya.

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 7 6:52:06 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem Reply with quote

When I finally die bury me
in the sand.
bury me deeply
bury me comfortable
and leave my body in peace
the relaxation will envelop
so comfortable is a bed of sand
to a dead spirit, whose mothergod
is owner of the ocean.

Let my life be underwater
swim with the little fish and the whales
with the plants and lovely shells
and may I speak Dolphin
yes, may I speak that
and give thanks to mothergod
for a life which is a break from the human
a life between incarnations, so to speak
a life
of quiet
of peace.

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alana
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 7 9:04:21 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

Gaily, third version suggestion is to eliminate some words till you have

bury me comfortable
and leave my body to envelop
comfortable peace
in a bed of sand


sad read, but very interesting

live long and happy Gaily

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butterflyzrfree
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16 20:35:34 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

Thank you, alana! I will look at this! was more thinking about how to end it better!

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butterflyzrfree
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16 21:14:01 EDT 2012    Post subject: waterpoem, death included Reply with quote

When I die bury me
in the sand.
bury me deeply and comfortably
and leave my body in peace
so the relaxation will envelop
so comfortable, a bed of sand
to a dead spirit, whose mothergod
is owner of the ocean.

Let my life be underwater
swim in the sand, bottomfeeder
with the plants and crushing shells
I will speak Dolphin
and give thanks to the mothergod
for a life which is a break from the human
a life between incarnations, so to speak
a life of sand
of quiet
of peace.

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amca01
Hey, my rank changed!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16 23:26:41 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

I've just come across this poem and I think it's quite wonderful. I didn't mind the original references to Oshun and Yemaya (of which I'd never heard) - I had to look them up - but that only increased my knowledge, and added to the slight air of mystery in the poem. I don't think a poem any worse for being a bit obscure at first reading (or even after many readings) - a poem which makes the reader "work" a bit is a very good thing.

If I might dare to make a suggestion: the phrase "so to speak" in S2, L7 doesn't add to the poem. Leave it to the reader to make the connection.

However, I'm mighty impressed. Keep up your inspired work!

-Alasdair
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butterflyzrfree
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17 12:18:02 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

Nice to meet you, amca01! Thank you your comments are both beneficial and helpful. I will drop that clause, you are right. It is now posted. Someone gave me an anonomous four, don't know why people do that sort of thing. Take care

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amca01
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17 19:08:41 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: water poem--3rd version at bottom Reply with quote

I hope I didn't come across as being too critical - I really liked your poem, which I found both moving and enriching.

-Alasdair
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