GotPoetry.com > > Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Broken Fingers > > lightness sinks onto legs
GotPoetry.com

Help
Toggle Content .:: Home :: Poems :: Workshop Forums :: Register :: Features ::.
Toggle Content Judge this Poem

Toggle Content User Info

Welcome Anonymous

Nickname
Password
(Register)

Membership:
Latest: Ustinklikegg
New Today: 0
New Yesterday: 0
Overall: 16980

People Online:
Members: 0
Visitors: 66
Bots: 1
Staff: 0
Staff Online:

No staff currently online.

Toggle Content Paid Membership
Buy a paid membership and get more out of GotPoetry!

Advertise on the GotPoetry Advertising Network.

Toggle Content Donations
Donate with PayPal!
GotPoetry is a community supported site.
Due Date: Dec 31
December Goal: 230.00
Gross Amount: 45.00
PayPal Fees: 1.91
Net Balance: 43.09
Below Goal: 186.91
Site Currency: USD
19% 
December Donations
13th  Blondie
1st  Blondie
1st  Mayo

Toggle Content Top Poetry Clubs

Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Broken Fingers > > lightness sinks onto legs
My PostsMy Posts  SearchSearch   visitView posts since last: visitdayweekmonth

lightness sinks onto legs


Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Broken Fingers
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Mon Feb 13 6:22:05 EST 2012    Post subject: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

.

dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities



.

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Tue Feb 14 7:17:50 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

this one obviously needs a LOT of help.
its sitting with a rating of 2 in the open section at the mo....heh

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
angels
Conversationalist


Conversationalist
Poem of the Month/May 2011


Joined: Mar 10, 2011
Posts: 70
Credits: 1
Location: within the confines of space

PostPosted: Tue Feb 14 7:28:17 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

i truly do not understand why it got a 2. it's really a work of art...
Karma: 1664.70

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Tue Feb 14 7:37:44 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

...awww...3sweet! Smile

its just about verbalising/vocalising/articulating the experience of waking up in the morning with peripheral neuropathy, getting out of bed and walking into a another day(ze) with feet on fire as the fluids circulate through me.

but then it could also be about anyone hurting into (another) day of daze.
using the pain & anguish as a metaphor. i think they call it.

mwah

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Tue Feb 14 7:51:11 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."


~albert einstein~

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
ebe-one
Has written a poem or two


Has written a poem or two
Staff Picks/October 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/January 2012Staff Picks/February 2012Staff Picks/March 2012Staff Picks/May 2012Staff Picks/December 2012Staff Picks/August 2013


Joined: Apr 19, 2011
Posts: 145
Credits: 0
Location: Houston, Texas

PostPosted: Tue Feb 14 11:05:10 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities


now...i changed a lot of this. i felt the line/sentence breaks were disjointed and fragmented making it difficult to understand, which is further compounded with the poems enigmatic message and muddled verbiage.



"cracks its squinted" is kind of redundant, you could just use dawn squints its disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness(,should be a comma or punctuation here)wending its awakenings(comma isn't needed, otherwise it should be a -- or ;)trestled upon impaled knees splintering under the body weight heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired insensate(feelingless is not a word)feet in an analgesic wave fraught with supplication. spat by the sentient lions from ethereal plains, sundered into dosed nodules of veritable truth(; needs to be something other than a comma) lightness befalls onto legs traumatised by evanescent fluidity

_________________
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
Karma: 205.60

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21 6:02:57 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

ebe-one - i am truly appreciative of your time; efforts & attentions to addressing this piece. they are not being ignored. i will revert as soon as i am able to, and after contemplating each and every point you make.

thank you.



_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/October 2009Staff Picks/June 2010Blog Picks/ November 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Blog Picks/June 2011Staff Picks/December 2011Staff Picks/February 2012Blog Picks/January 2013Staff Picks/March 2013Staff Picks/August 2013Staff Picks/October 2013


Joined: Sep 18, 2009
Posts: 2291
Credits: 335
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

PostPosted: Wed Feb 22 11:38:41 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

I like. I sort of like it better without the pronoun 'it' in the two instances it occurs. Just a crazy orange-headed thought. Even some of the usual connection words like 'though' seem in the way of the irresistible flow of consciousness which seems to defy needing them. I say, go for broke and let it run even farther over the gate of the usual rules.

_________________
Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.
Karma: 2422.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 5:13:42 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

et - with you 100% thank you. what you think?

ebe-one?



.

dawn cracks squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet a supplicant numbing wave. spat from loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality

lightness sinks onto legs

traumatised by fluidities


.

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.
Staff Picks August 2014Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month!Poet of the Month!Staff Picks/July 2010Blog Picks/August 2011Staff Picks/October 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2012Blog Picks/September 2013Staff Picks/April 2014


Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Posts: 718
Credits: 17
Location: Aberdeen, Washington

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 13:58:41 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

Must it be "is heaved" - could it not be "heaves" from crushed bedding?
Thus, "transfers"...would there a tense issue then? Very interesting...

_________________
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West
Karma: 9098.30

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/October 2009Staff Picks/June 2010Blog Picks/ November 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Blog Picks/June 2011Staff Picks/December 2011Staff Picks/February 2012Blog Picks/January 2013Staff Picks/March 2013Staff Picks/August 2013Staff Picks/October 2013


Joined: Sep 18, 2009
Posts: 2291
Credits: 335
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 14:07:50 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

Yes, yes! I like the new better, it seems to capture that mad flow that spills from the window into the newly opened eye - or maybe it's the other way around?

_________________
Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.
Karma: 2422.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
FuchsiaFestival!
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Staff Picks/August 2011Staff Picks/October 2011Young Poet/July 2012Staff Picks/September 2012Staff Picks/January 2013


Joined: Feb 10, 2011
Posts: 1303
Credits: 0
Location: In my thoughts

PostPosted: Wed Apr 4 6:37:51 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

wylde wrote:
.

dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities



.

This was edgy, almost beautiful. I enjoyed this. When I'm in a more awake mood, I'll read it again. I saw "concrete" as a place for the body and heart to go on, a darker platform with wired perceptions. There is a wave where you are walking, and they are spat from the idea of fantastical mind states. Your numb feet are silenced, you can walk again, and the lightness comes on afterwards, but they are still fragmented, so there is chaos.

_________________
Hiragana characters are pretty.
Karma: 1863.20

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Thu Apr 5 5:11:34 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

fuschia - i love what you say here. on a more relaxed return, i shall re-read and absorb.

thank you.


riteon.

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
ebe-one
Has written a poem or two


Has written a poem or two
Staff Picks/October 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/January 2012Staff Picks/February 2012Staff Picks/March 2012Staff Picks/May 2012Staff Picks/December 2012Staff Picks/August 2013


Joined: Apr 19, 2011
Posts: 145
Credits: 0
Location: Houston, Texas

PostPosted: Thu Apr 5 6:14:12 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

dawn cracks squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet a supplicant numbing wave. spat from loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality

lightness sinks onto legs

traumatised by fluidities

i like this, especially how you changed the structure of the last three lines.

_________________
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
Karma: 205.60

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Photo Gallery
wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
Poem of the Month/April 2011Staff Picks/April 2011Poet of the Month/April 2011Poet of the Month/June 2011Poem of the Month/June 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/July 2013Staff Picks/March 2014


Joined: Aug 25, 2010
Posts: 2710
Credits: 5
Location: between my ears. all.ways

PostPosted: Tue Apr 10 7:01:30 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: lightness sinks onto legs Reply with quote

ebe-one - thanks for letting me know.

_________________
interviewing wylde


I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

~William S. Burroughs ~
Karma: 3118.40

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Photo Gallery
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Broken Fingers All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1


Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
 Forum FAQForum FAQ




GotPoetry - News for poets. Place to write.

GotPoetry is the most popular network of performance poets and poetry readings on the internet today.

Editors: John, Mamta and a cast of tens of others.
Publisher: John Powers

Content © 1998-2008
GotPoetry LLC. All rights reserved

Engine released under GNU GPL, Code Credits, Privacy Policy, Legal Notices

Search:
 
GotPoetry.com Web

Forums Search
Gallery Search
Advanced Search


Link to Full Archives
Link to all News Topics


Link for all submission options for this site.

Subscribe - Use an RSS reader to stay up to date with the latest news and posts from GotPoetry.

GotPoetry News RSS Feed

Subscribe with Yahoo!
Subscribe with Google

Other GotPoetry RSS Syndication -  You can syndicate other parts of our site using the following files:

Yesterday's Top News
Yesterday's Top Poems
Forums
New Photos
Blogs
Downloads
Featured Articles