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dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities



.

this one obviously needs a LOT of help.
its sitting with a rating of 2 in the open section at the mo....heh

i truly do not understand why it got a 2. it's really a work of art...

...awww...3sweet!

its just about verbalising/vocalising/articulating the experience of waking up in the morning with peripheral neuropathy, getting out of bed and walking into a another day(ze) with feet on fire as the fluids circulate through me.

but then it could also be about anyone hurting into (another) day of daze.
using the pain & anguish as a metaphor. i think they call it.

mwah

"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."


~albert einstein~

dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities


now...i changed a lot of this. i felt the line/sentence breaks were disjointed and fragmented making it difficult to understand, which is further compounded with the poems enigmatic message and muddled verbiage.



"cracks its squinted" is kind of redundant, you could just use dawn squints its disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness(,should be a comma or punctuation here)wending its awakenings(comma isn't needed, otherwise it should be a -- or ;)trestled upon impaled knees splintering under the body weight heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired insensate(feelingless is not a word)feet in an analgesic wave fraught with supplication. spat by the sentient lions from ethereal plains, sundered into dosed nodules of veritable truth(; needs to be something other than a comma) lightness befalls onto legs traumatised by evanescent fluidity

ebe-one - i am truly appreciative of your time; efforts & attentions to addressing this piece. they are not being ignored. i will revert as soon as i am able to, and after contemplating each and every point you make.

thank you.

I like. I sort of like it better without the pronoun 'it' in the two instances it occurs. Just a crazy orange-headed thought. Even some of the usual connection words like 'though' seem in the way of the irresistible flow of consciousness which seems to defy needing them. I say, go for broke and let it run even farther over the gate of the usual rules.

et - with you 100% thank you. what you think?

ebe-one?



.

dawn cracks squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet a supplicant numbing wave. spat from loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality

lightness sinks onto legs

traumatised by fluidities


.

Must it be "is heaved" - could it not be "heaves" from crushed bedding?
Thus, "transfers"...would there a tense issue then? Very interesting...

Yes, yes! I like the new better, it seems to capture that mad flow that spills from the window into the newly opened eye - or maybe it's the other way around?

wylde wrote:

. dawn cracks its squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending its awakenings, trestled upon splintered knees as body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless feet in a supplicant numbing wave. spat from the loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed nodules of reality, lightness sinks onto legs traumatised by fluidities .

This was edgy, almost beautiful. I enjoyed this. When I'm in a more awake mood, I'll read it again. I saw "concrete" as a place for the body and heart to go on, a darker platform with wired perceptions. There is a wave where you are walking, and they are spat from the idea of fantastical mind states. Your numb feet are silenced, you can walk again, and the lightness comes on afterwards, but they are still fragmented, so there is chaos.

fuschia - i love what you say here. on a more relaxed return, i shall re-read and absorb.

thank you.


riteon.

dawn cracks squinted disillusioned light hazily through nefarious consciousness wending awakenings,
trestled upon splintered knees body weight is heaved from crushed bedding; transferred onto fired feelingless
feet a supplicant numbing wave. spat from loins of tangented dream world realities, fragmented in dosed

nodules of reality

lightness sinks onto legs

traumatised by fluidities

i like this, especially how you changed the structure of the last three lines.

ebe-one - thanks for letting me know.