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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > Analgesic Ink
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Analgesic Ink


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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 1 15:46:15 EST 2012    Post subject: Analgesic Ink Reply with quote

Analgesic Ink

Black heart night through stringent ripples flow
eight great lengths of master’s rusty chain
slinks through kelp and rigid rocks to holes below
in search of crusted morsel maids to claim.
Renewed strategic strength regained; red eyes glow.

Jet black ink strikes disrespect; put down the pen
when weary thoughts exact a bleeding blot
but not from muscles caught in overwhelming pain.
The prize herself cannot, or so we’re taught
surprised and mostly hypnotized, her hope remains.

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electrictiger
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Told love the world was on fire
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Joined: Sep 18, 2009
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 1 20:23:50 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Analgesic Ink Reply with quote

Very nice piece! One question,

The prize herself cannot, or so we’re taught
surprised and mostly hypnotized, her hope remains.

Was there a 'be' or something missing here? (after taught? or cannot?)
Or is there a pause between taught and surprised? It's probably just me being a crappy reader Sad

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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.
Staff Picks August 2014Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month!Poet of the Month!Staff Picks/July 2010Blog Picks/August 2011Staff Picks/October 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2012Blog Picks/September 2013Staff Picks/April 2014


Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Posts: 712
Credits: 17
Location: Aberdeen, Washington

PostPosted: Thu Mar 1 21:09:38 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Analgesic Ink Reply with quote

No, nothing missing... it's presumed she "cannot" ( or does not feel pain).
Ten syllables, a-ok - but one reason I posted the poem was to check and see if it's understandable - so perhaps not?

The premise of the poem is: S1: octopus, when threatened release ink, they prey on crab - S2 in writing stanza 1 the author spills a blob of ink realizing he/she has trivialized a life and death struggle - some of us were taught that creatures lesser than us don't feel the same sense of fear, pain, hope...

I'm not satisfied with the last line of the poem, but haven't hit the jackpot yet with the perfect set of words.

So what do you think so far, Chris - do you think it's entirely too obscure? Smile


- Were you aware the largest species of octopus in the world lives in Puget Sound? Hee-hee...

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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.
Staff Picks August 2014Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month!Poet of the Month!Staff Picks/July 2010Blog Picks/August 2011Staff Picks/October 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2011Staff Picks/November 2012Blog Picks/September 2013Staff Picks/April 2014


Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Posts: 712
Credits: 17
Location: Aberdeen, Washington

PostPosted: Sun Mar 4 0:05:20 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Analgesic Ink Reply with quote

This probably doesn't solve the "understanding" problem, but just perhaps some other things.

Analgesic Ink

Black heart knight through stringent ripples flow
eight great lengths of master’s rusty chain
slinks through kelp and rigid rocks to holes below
in search of crusted morsel maids to claim;
renewed strategic strength regained, red eyes glow.

Jet black ink strikes disrespect; put down the pen
when weary thoughts exact a bleeding blot
but not with muscles caught in overwhelming pain;
the prize herself cannot, or so we’re taught
surprised and mainly hypnotized, does hope remain?

_________________
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West
Karma: 9090.70

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