converse in silence

deepali

when ego declines
your heart’s insistence;
love,
converse in silence..

when words cease to exist
and mind repudiates;
love,
converse in silence..

when each word you say
is always held against;
love,
converse in silence..

asked to quit the game
far worse, you couldn’t complain;
love's
too terse with silence!

Should i change the first verse as,

when your ego rejects,
heart’s innocent request;
love,
converse in silence..

Any suggestion to better this poem is welcome!
Thanks,
D.

zhaul

I think you should add it as an ending to emphasize the opening. BTW, nice use of words. First time I read something from you, and good imagery too. It's like an invitation to relate to self-love when things are going wrong.

deepali

zhaul wrote:

I think you should add it as an ending to emphasize the opening. BTW, nice use of words. First time I read something from you, and good imagery too. It's like an invitation to relate to self-love when things are going wrong.

Thanks a lot, Zhaul, for the suggestion and appreciation! So kind of you.
warm wishes,
deepali.

Ozymandias

Deepali, I know we debated this one in PM's due to mutual misunderstanding and I think it is better now. I could still raise a couple of minor matters if you do not object. Lose the comma at the end of L1. S3L2 I believe you need "you" at the end of the line. I don't like the proposed alteration of S1 as much as the original.

Lovely sentiments, lovely poem!

deepali

Ozymandias wrote:

Deepali, I know we debated this one in PM's due to mutual misunderstanding and I think it is better now. I could still raise a couple of minor matters if you do not object. Lose the comma at the end of L1. S3L2 I believe you need "you" at the end of the line. I don't like the proposed alteration of S1 as much as the original.

Lovely sentiments, lovely poem!

Thanks a lot, Rory! I'll definitely consider that.
regards,
deepali.

abdo11

good poem

deepali

abdo11 wrote:

good poem

Thanks!

butterflyzrfree

I like the proposed second stanza better to replace the first. Wonderful write, D.

deepali

butterflyzrfree wrote:

I like the proposed second stanza better to replace the first. Wonderful write, D.

Thanks for liking it and the suggestion, dear Gail!
love,
D.

Coastal

Deepali, Beautiful write!

deepali

Coastal wrote:

Deepali, Beautiful write!

Thanks a lot, friend!

ebe-one

In terms of verbiage, you might consider:

when ego rejects
your heart's desires

or if your trying to rhyme

when ego expires
your heart's desires

Confused

deepali

ebe-one wrote:

In terms of verbiage, you might consider:

when ego rejects
your heart's desires

or if your trying to rhyme

when ego expires
your heart's desires

Confused

Thanks ebe, for this great suggestion. Now, that the poem is already posted, i'll modify it later.
warm wishes,
D.