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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?
      
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Location: Sonoran Desert
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 Posted: Tue Jun 19 17:26:37 EDT 2012 Post subject: Drought |
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We ran
from an oasis
we did not believe in
to a mirage
we did;
and the devil's claw
mocks us-
obstinate pioneers
in another fallen Eden.
Copyright © 2012 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved
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Ozymandias
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Joined: Apr 09, 2009
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Location: Near Melbourne, Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20 23:36:10 EDT 2012 Post subject: Re: Drought |
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Another excellent piece. My only small suggestion would be perhaps to insert "now" in S2L1, to lessen the abruptness of the transition in tense between the two stanzas.
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?
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Posts: 6182
Credits: 546
Location: Sonoran Desert
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21 2:51:11 EDT 2012 Post subject: Re: Drought |
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Rory..good suggestion. I will edit. Thanks.
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?
Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6182
Credits: 546
Location: Sonoran Desert
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21 2:52:01 EDT 2012 Post subject: Re: Drought |
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We ran
from an oasis
we did not believe in
to a mirage
we did;
now the devil's claw
mocks us-
obstinate pioneers
in another fallen Eden.
Copyright © 2012 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved
_________________
"What the hell is this? For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!" - Peter Griffin |
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Karma: 50775.40
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lukaki26
"I am RAREFIED!!!"
Joined: May 04, 2007
Posts: 1420
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Location: East Sussex, England
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21 19:32:33 EDT 2012 Post subject: Re: Drought |
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Another really excellent poem. I really like this one, succinct and I like the structure/flow and use of language. This stands out to me.
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?
Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6182
Credits: 546
Location: Sonoran Desert
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22 12:18:11 EDT 2012 Post subject: Re: Drought |
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Hi Lukaki..thanks for that. I originally considered the tanka form, but it was too restrictive.
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