This is my second draft, and it needs some smoothing out
All suggestions are appreciated.

Rusty saw warped into a silhouette
Crack bone juts from Earth in black ash
frozen snake head blackened with eyes of stone
open fox nest with skeletons of mom and babes
And the beaver hut on the lake
is simply not there.

This, amongst dark stumps
in dry, cracked earth;
this is what remains.

When the orange curls sweep the floor
with wind and ash,
When the cracked earth bakes dry
in a moments flash,
and the yellow flames lick
beyond past tragedy, that's the fire at Waldo Canyon.

As the lightening scratches
a dry place in weeds,
the forest temples suffer violence.
Dead homes lay in anguish.
Ashy table pieces thrown about
as mothers hover in a city faraway.

They are watching the damage
from apartments,
on television.

One of the dogs was off in the hills
and they couldn't take the cats,
The children have nightmares
of lost creatures in the flames.
Yet
they will return, collect possessions and leave,
or stay,
and rebuild.
It will take years.
But they will plant trees,
turn earth, buy new beds.
Yes, most,
most will return, and this time
they will be wary. (alternate ending 'they will wait)

Gail,

There is a lot to like in here. I suggest cutting away unnecessary details and refining the images a little.

The opening lines could be a little stronger to set the dramatic tone that follows.

Rusty saw warped into a silhouette
Crack bone juts from Earth in black ash

Those lines seem vague and random. What if you still kept S1 and S2 (with some fat trimmed off) and opened with S3 instead?

When the orange curls sweep the floor

is a pretty original and compelling image, and immediately recognizable.

I also really like how you opened S4..

As the lightening scratches
a dry place in weeds,
the forest temples suffer violence

Those are great lines.

For S5..

They are watching the damage
from apartments,
on television.

are you referring to a voyeurisitc public using this tragedy as fodder for entertainment? Or, as I suspect, do you mean the victims who lost their homes are keeping track of the events from somewhere else? Because if you are, I would make it more clear, like this..

They are watching the damage
on hotel room tvs

Finally, for the last stanza, I think a better resolution would be beneficial. How about..

most will return, and this time
they will be stronger

Great tips Hugh, I appreciate it. I will work with this immediately.

Still not sure about the ending:


When the orange curls sweep the floor
with wind and ash,
When the cracked earth bakes dry
in a moments flash,
and the yellow flames lick
beyond past tragedy, that's the fire at Waldo Canyon.

When she returned, there was a
rusty saw warped into a silhouette;
a cracked bone peeked through Earth in black ash;
frozen snake head blackened with eyes of stone;
an open fox nest with skeletons of mom and babes;
and the beaver hut on the lake
is simply not there.

This, amongst dark stumps
in dry, cracked earth;
this is what remains.

As the lightening scratches
a dry place in weeds,
the forest temples suffer violence.
Dead homes lay in anguish.
as the mothers hover
in a city faraway.

They are watching the damage
on hotel room TVs.

...and they couldn't take the cats.
The children have nightmares
of lost creatures in the flames.

Yet
they will return, collect possessions
and leave,
or stay to rebuild.
It will take years.
But,
they will plant trees,
turn earth, buy new beds.
Yes, most,
most will return, and this time
they will have a glorious wisdom
and a very fearsome
power. (or they contain the power, of the fire.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBA7eHY022k

www.denverpost.com/ci_...imeline_og

www.gazette.com/articl...tment.html

Drawn in immediately on this new edit. I like the idea of a play on the ending line in parenthesis.

Good to see you back.

zoe in a bubble: Thanks, for the read and for the suggestion. I will definitely take it into consideration. I hope that you checked out some of the links at the bottom of the page, as this was one of the most devastating fires in US history.

I agree alot with foggle. I think this would flow better if you chopped it up. I personally eould try and include some more surreal details. I live in texas and i know about this fire and its devastation.

Thank you, Lost. My final version is now published on my page. I appreciate that you added this comment.