what if
all that I've learned
were a joke
all that I’ve done
were in vain
all that I’ve seen
weren’t there
all that I've heard
were a lie
all that I've touched
were dust
all that i've loved
were no more
what if
an illusion
were the building
block of
the universe
if this
were true
would i
be then a
somebody’s
drunken
dream
that
should
have
ended
long
ago

Anyone's feedback is appreciated. This is the first time I post a poem in a rewrite workshop, mainly because of the subject matter and awkward grammar - confusing in my own mind...lol. B.

this totally confuses me T_T

i don't get it, i don't dig it.. but i appreciate your honesty

think you could explain?

I appreciate your honesty too, CMW! These are just questions that visit my sick mind sometimes. Meaning or meaninglessness of life, I guess. B.

The first part is rather telling and the second part picks it up. The last half is a keeper but it needs something more at the beginning.

Sal Treppiedi
Albuquerque, NM

what if
all that I've learned were a joke
all that I’ve done were in vain
all that I’ve seen weren’t there

what if
all that I've heard were a lie
all that I've touched were dust
all that i've loved were no more

what if
an illusion was the building block of the universe

what if
this were true

would i be then
a somebody’s drunken dream
that
should
have
ended
long
ago

have you been reading alice in wonderland, bogeyman?...i loved it, btw

Funny thing, Granny, this is almost exactly how I wrote it in the first version! I didn't like repeating "what ifs", so I had them combined. I also broke it up into 2 parts (pessimistic and optimistic), because of the last part refuting the first - the answer is in the last question, e.g. since the last part is not true, then all prior to it is not true and life does have meaning. I like this re-write, Granny, but would like to offer the one below combining same types of perception. Sal suggested adding some to the first part - let's see if he likes this version better.

what if
all that I've learned were a joke
all that I’ve done were in vain

what if
all that I’ve seen weren’t there
all that I've heard were a lie

what if
all that I've touched were dust

what if
all that i've loved were no more

what if
an illusion were the building block
of the universe

if all this were true

would i be then
a somebody’s
drunken dream
that
should
have
ended
long
ago


Thank you all for your feedback!

funny indeed i know what you mean about repetition in general, but it really does work here, and this newest version is great...the reason i even attempted was due to colourmyworld's comment....the extra 'what ifs' and the spacing lend to your overall desire to show that there is meaning, even with doubts...i look forward to rating it!

Thank you all again for comments, I'll post it.