Shhh, let the breeze caress
those silent sullen eyes
let the sea whisper sweet nothings to make you smile
let the moonlight hug you in a loving embrace
keeping you company
Offering me some much needed solace .

I like it!! If you wanted to keep the line breaks consistent you could break the lines 3 and 4 up differenly

Let the sea whisper sweet nothings
to make you smile
let the moonlight hug you
in a loving embrace

Thats just my suggestion....I liked it as is to though....specially those silent sullen eyes...that just rolls off the tongue for me...

nicely done!

I like it as well a love lullabye..made me feel good. nice one Ann G

GG prefer it to be lullaby not lullabye .... SL thanks using your suggestions
alright howsdis ?
====
Shhh, let the breeze caress
those silent sullen eyes
let the sea whisper sweet nothings
to make you smile
let the moonlight hug you
in a loving embrace
keeping you company
offering me much needed solace .
===============================

The rewrite is headed in the right direction, anna9. I'd end the poem on "embrace". The last two lines read as an aside. Well done!

L.

loisseau wrote:

The rewrite is headed in the right direction, anna9. I'd end the poem on "embrace". The last two lines read as an aside. Well done! L.

I don't necessarily agree with you on this one.

The last two lines let us know that there is a mutual need being met by this embrace.

I think the work is more flat without the last two lines.

L , Bev , hi
L , i kind of agree with Bev . But also i suppose the girl is , she really is stating the last line as an aside , a string of words to be heard maybe by herself and nomore .
But then how do i express such a thing in a poem ? The last line is crucial , because she wants to feel better , knowing that he is not exactly pining all alone , perhaps? The solace is for her heart, she wants to feel better .
L, i don't know how to put that across as an aside , and i don't like (), if i had to put something in a () i would not pen it at all .

lullaby I like the last 2 lines as well.

Reasonable men and women can differ. The word choices here are in conflict with what the narrator is saying. The title starts the issue-

solace

n.
Comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or distress; consolation.
A source of comfort or consolation.
tr.v., -aced, -ac·ing, -ac·es.
To comfort, cheer, or console, as in trouble or sorrow. See synonyms at comfort.
To allay or assuage: “They solaced their wretchedness, however, by duets after supper” (Jane Austen).

(American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 2004)

I didn't feel that in this poem-I feel love and caring; "sullen" put me off a bit but the last two lines feel disconnected.

The narrator has his/her lover for company, being hugged by the moonlight. The last line saying the moonlight offers much needed"solace".
What about the lover in the piece. Feels like the last two need a cutting or a rewrite for consistent meaning.

L.

Yes very nice poem, and i especially like the last two lines of it, i believe that it could be made better if you sit down carefully and think about where to put words,

ask yourself questions.....

ok , L , mofluk , will do that , thanks .

anna banana.. why did you decide to edit this? i like the first version a lot - short and sweet and perfect for me

anna9 wrote:

Shhh, let the breeze caress those silent sullen eyes let the sea whisper sweet nothings to make you smile let the moonlight hug you in a loving embrace keeping you company Offering me some much needed solace .

lovely write anna. and maybe as summerlee suggested you could break up those lines.

Hi CMW , M ,
CMW rina czarina , if there is room for improving i should , though judging by the rewrites , i tend to mess up things , don't I !
M , thanks .
L , mofluk , here is the revised poem , L , i hope this is headed in the write direction

Shhh, let the breeze caress
those silent sullen eyes
pining my absence .
Let the seas
that separate us
whisper sweet nothings
to make you smile.
Let the moonlight hug you
in a loving embrace,
keeping you company
offering me much needed solace .

i think i need to edit again :
Shhh, let the breeze caress
those silent sullen eyes
pining my absence .
Let the seas
that separate us
whisper sweet nothings
Let the moonlight hug you
in a loving embrace,
keeping you company,
making you smile again ;
offering me much needed solace .

L ,i think i am comfy with this one . CMW, M ,mofluk, Bev, GG, Summer , how about this ?

wait, Im kind a confused Lol, anywayz, i like the 2nd rewrite better.

Yes i def. feel that the rewrite works better as a poem, it feels and reads alot better....

I am unsure about the "shhh" at the start, but it is obviously your poem and therefore you call the shots, but i am not sure for me it works and would be better without.

First version is best, says just enough, and feels natural

I like it very much. Short and sweet.

I love the “Shhh” and the rest of the first line. It pulled me in!

When I read it in my head it was pleasant. When I read it aloud it became a bit fragmented. When I sang it, it fell apart.

I was slowly pulled away from the emotional connection because of a perceived desire to make it too "textbook" descriptive. Maybe moving some words around and removing some of the simple ones might give it more impact.

That is what I think, for what it is worth.

It did make me smile, good show.

Docere

"Shhh" for me is an invitation to relax and feel calm because the rest of the lines will slowly massage you by their lyrical sequence.


i like the first write better.^^,
more moving.

I agree with fuznut. I like the first. I like not knowing that there is a distance separating the lovers, it pulls the focus away from the powerful imagery.
In that case, I only wonder why the last line offers "me" solace and not "you"- since the "you" in the poem is sullen.

Agree that the first version is the best, but hey, I must've misunderstood the poem completely! I thought it was about putting your daughter to bed at night and having a peaceful happy feeling knowing she is safe and having beautiful dreams... Oh well, better reduce the dosage again... B.

thank goodness, Bogeyman, because i thought i was dreaming....wow...the forums are fierce! and i like all the versions so far but that's because i like the idea of this poem, i think...hmmmm...i really liked it just fine the first time....excellent job anna

Rio , the "you " is sullen , because "you "is pining for "me" in the poem.
meign-arche , thanks for your comment , yeee-hooooo, )

Docere, thanks for the suggestion : how is this one ? bleedingpoetry , Boogie , Grann

Shhh,
let the breeze caress
your silent sullen eyes
the sea whisper sweet nothings
to make you smile
the moon hold you
in a loving embrace,
keeping you company,
offering me -
much needed solace !

howzzat ?