Everending Love


I did you wrong too many times
gave you love, but not all.
I touched your hair but wasn't there,
when we kissed I knew you felt
the empty darkness of my heart.

You lay beside me open, willing to love.
the air grew stale, your lips grew pale
and tears were all I gave you.
I felt the pain of neither gain nor loss
as we parted ways in silence.

Was it time or place or something on my mind,
or you or me or words without rhyme
when was it spent, what did it cost?
once beautiful and hot...
love forever lost.

Hobo

Okay guys.... this has been "in progress for 20 years! Tear it apart if you want. I certainly have!

i can feel emptiness, not sure if i feel regret that "once beautiful and hot" feeling is gone, forever lost. wondering why you used rhymes in S3, but none in S1 and S2. you mentioned this has been in progress for 20 years - how did your perception of what happened 20 years ago change over the years? you still seem to remember her fondly - the first 3 lines of S3 is an attempt to examine what went wrong, but maybe i'm reading too much into it. what is it that you tried to convey here? am i reading it right?

"Bogeyman" said:

Quote:

i can feel emptiness, not sure if i feel regret that "once beautiful and hot" feeling is gone, forever lost.

Then I have succeeded. The title (which I just found last night) intends to show a certain resignation to the fact that all love (for me anyways) is fleeting. Not all broken hearts feel regret. I DO regret it, but I knew as well as she that it wasn't going to last. Emptiness and perhaps sadness were what I was going for.

Quote:

wondering why you used rhymes in S3, but none in S1 and S2.

Cheezy answer? There's no rhyme nor reason to my rhyming. Truthfully, I use standard rhyming too much in my poetry, yet I could not get away from it here. Take another look.... count the "rhymes in phrase" throughout the poem. The ones in the last stanza are just elongated and more pronounced. I feel disjointed when I go 5 lines without a rhyme. I need my poetry to "wrap it up" in the last stanza (at least) or I feel like I left it hanging.

Quote:

you mentioned this has been in progress for 20 years - how did your perception of what happened 20 years ago change over the years? you still seem to remember her fondly -

I still regret that it was what it was... but, I know it couild be no different. Like I said.... resignation. She was the mother of my chld.

Quote:

the first 3 lines of S3 is an attempt to examine what went wrong, but maybe i'm reading too much into it. what is it that you tried to convey here? am i reading it right?

Yes, I think you are. Examination maybe for the purpose of future loves. But, resignation as to what was lost.

The line that bothers me the most is S2, L5. I toyed with "as we went our separate ways." The line is as cumbersome as the experience.

Maybe, even in a sad love poem, readers want to feel closure or regret. Maybe they aren't ready for resignation or acceptance?

I'm more concerned with whether it moves along poetically than whether it leaves a good feeling. Is my disjointed rhyming scheme a hindrance to that? I've probably got another 20 years in me to work it over.

Hobo wrote:

I'm more concerned with whether it moves along poetically than whether it leaves a good feeling. Is my disjointed rhyming scheme a hindrance to that? I've probably got another 20 years in me to work it over.

it does move poetically as well as it does in a logical progression. the rhyming scheme is not a problem. S1 and S2 did not have end-line rhymes - that's why i was surprised to see them in S3. will be interesting to see how others react to this piece.

Hobo, I liked the first two stanzas of this piece very much. The internal rhyming is smooth and fits. S3 feels like an add on; the punctuation is missing, as are the caps. The ellipsis doesn't bring much to the poem at the end. Little cleanup here, and you'll have a fine love poem.

L.

Thanks for the comments, Loisseau. I can see how the first two stanzas could stand alone and be done with it. But, like many others... the last stanza is the one that was my first inspiration... the COST of it all. The other two just explained how I got there. Might be why it sounds like an add on.

I tried to only cap the first word in each stanza because I'd been told I capped too much. And I hate too much punctuation, expecially question marks. But, I'll go back and make it right and see how it looks.

I'm going to change S2, L5. I don't like it. This really IS the first attempt at a finished product for this poem. Until last night, it was just crossed out wordy phrases on a piece of paper.

Oh... and it was untitled. I picked what I did as a play on "neverending love." Any suggestions for a better one?

Everending Love

I did you wrong too many times,
gave you love, but not all.
I touched your hair but wasn't there.
When we kissed I knew you felt
the empty darkness of my heart.

You lay beside me open, willing to love.
The air grew stale, your lips grew pale
and tears were all I gave you.
I felt the pain of neither gain nor loss
as we went our separate ways.

Was it time or place or something on my mind,
or you or me or words without rhyme?
When was it spent, what did it cost?
Once beautiful and hot,
love forever lost.

Hobo (rewrite)


And thank you, too, Bogeyman for your insight and comments.!

Liked the rewrite; might do the last stanza, minor changes along these lines, linebreaks to pull the reader through the stanza.

Was it time or place or something on
my mind? Or was it you or me, or words
without rhyme? When was it spent, what did it
cost? Beautiful and hot, love forever lost.

L.

Its a solid piece... some quite dramatic imagery, particularly the 'air went stale, lips grew pale' bit... but the end of that stanza, 'the empty darkness of my heart', is a bit of a cliche... 'as we parted ways in silence' doesn't sit to well either'.... and the whole of the last stanza just doesn't fit with the first two... although it was the first thing, I think it would do you well to let it go... maybe you could rewrite it with a thought to the theme of the title, which is a brilliant title.. maybe how the love is ever ending in your mind, as you've gone over it and relived it in your mind all these yours... seems like it may somewhat be that way since it is still with you now... or another take could be the finality of that ending... how it becomes everending, an end that can't be retraced or taken back, or even tied up. Hope some of this helps for reshaping...

Josh x

Thanks, Josh. Lots to think about there... and from others. I will give it some more thought this weekend. I'm a trucker and leaving out tonight. So, don't think I'm ignoring you or anybody.

Hobo

I really like the re-write. Two more suggestions


Everending Love

I did you wrong too many times, <Stretch that massive vocab of yours and find something FRESH to use here>gave you love, but not all.
I touched your hair but wasn't there.
When we kissed I knew you felt
the empty darkness of my heart.

You lay beside me open, willing to love.
The air grew stale, your lips grew pale
and tears were all I gave you.
I felt the pain of neither loss nor gain
as we went our separate ways.

Was it time or place or something on my mind,
or you or me or words without rhyme?
When was it spent, what did it cost?
Once beautiful and hot,
love forever lost.