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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > Descriptive ...or florid?
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Descriptive ...or florid?


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berryls
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12 11:13:26 EDT 2010    Post subject: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

I started this poem in two different locations, and they won't merge. These starting lines are representative of each.
Comments? Preference? Re-write?

1.
I have no mind when we last met
our days together short, and yet
one more November sky displays
the steel blue of our eyes

2.
I never think of us except
November's reckless sky displays
roiling wild and tempest swept
the mirrored steel blue of our eyes.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12 13:13:09 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

Hi berryls,

Welcome. Good to see you.

I like this, and have a few suggestions that might help:

If you reverse L2 and 3 in S1, it will give you a more consistent and interesting rhyme pattern.

I would also switch the stanzas, beginning with 2 and ending with 1.

Last, I'd fix the meter in both stanzas.

The results would be as follows:


I never think of us except
November's reckless sky displays
a rolling wild tempest swept
and steel blue mirrors of our eyes.

I can't recall when last we met
below November sky displays
our days together short, and yet
they linger in our steel blue eyes


Just suggestions. I like the images you used. I think my edit is not very clear..I just wanted to give ideas.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12 14:45:37 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

Thanks. I hadn't even noticed the meter was off. Wishful thinking.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13 11:17:34 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

Rhyming poems usually benefit from strict meter, especially shorter, semi-repetitive pieces like this.

My suggestions are there to use or lose. This poem has a romantic, whimsical feel that I really like.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13 15:31:26 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

The two were not stanzas, they were alternates.

This still says what I want but the meter is better...?

I seldom think of us except
November's reckless sky displays
hues roiling wild and tempest swept
a mirror to our steel blue eyes.

Surrounding coldness further charms
the piercing loneliness from which
we sheltered in each others arms
Ah, too, we were a pretty match

or S2L3 - we sheltered warm entwined in arms - meter is stronger?

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13 15:58:31 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

berryls, I like rewrite as it stands -plain talk and the meter is fine. I'm not a big fan of rhyme, so two pair of rhymes is enough. Wonder how it might read in free verse; perhaps-

I seldom think of us until November's
reckless sky displays hues roiling wild,
a mirror to our steel blue eyes.

Her coldness, a piercing loneliness from
which we were sheltered in each others arms.
Blue skies and eyes, a pretty match.

L.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13 17:39:39 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: Descriptive ...or florid? Reply with quote

Thanks - I haven't written in literally decades and the rhyme and meter are helping me (by distraction, I think) to get the words out. I will try free verse in a bit.
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