.

cobwebbed mouths speak

flowering
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

.

What kind of help are you looking for? I would rather start from a place of understanding and, honestly, I don't know how changing a word here or there would afford me that. It's your unique vision.

(I would leave off the flowering)
dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swim though plankton filled air
wings mutely flap, drag despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

(just my vision of the poem)

My only comment would be that you have got a rhyme in two lines which stands out and attracts an undue share of attention because it is not repeated elsewhere.

how about....

dust moths & motes
swirled from amniotic thicknesses floats

swim though plankton filled air
wings mutely flap, drag despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

hugh (as usual) more than anything i want to know if the writ formed any connection with you as a reader. or through the vocabulary and or the imagery. the sentence construction. is it able to evoke anything. at all. if ive missed the mark in achieving that, any ways that could be suggested to succeed in that.

fogglethorpe wrote:

What kind of help are you looking for? I would rather start from a place of understanding and, honestly, I don't know how changing a word here or there would afford me that. It's your unique vision.

z - i sincerely appreciate your suggests. i dont think i would like to lose:

"cobwebbed mouths speak" - im having a closer look as to how you used/changed the tenses here. i will be back.

Zbird wrote:

how about.... dust moths & motes swirled from amniotic thicknesses floats swim though plankton filled air wings mutely flap, drag despair toward the sliced dimensional plane of an unrepentant tongueless. licked flame

I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer.


It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom.

Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this:

dust moths & motes
swirl in amniotic thickness and float

to what it is above:

and also dragging to dragged.

That's just my opinion, again.

Quote:

cobwebbed mouths speak flowering dust moths & motes swirled from amniotic thicknesses swimming though plankton filled air wings mutely flapped dragging despair toward the sliced dimensional plane of an unrepentant tongueless. licked flame

ozymandias -i sincerely appreciate a read and comment from you.
do you not think perhaps 'air'/'despair' - and then 'flame' and 'plane' add a certain lubricity... accelerating - towards the extinguishing end (?) ie swallowed by the mouthing flame?

Ozymandias wrote:

My only comment would be that you have got a rhyme in two lines which stands out and attracts an undue share of attention because it is not repeated elsewhere.

rip torn. rip roaring read. makes this one worthwhile to me. thanks. your interpretation of the imagery is uber superb.


.

cobwebbed mouths speak

dust moths & motes
blossom
swirled from amniotic thicknesses

swimming though plankton filled air
wings mutely flapped dragging despair

toward the sliced dimensional plane
of an unrepentant

tongueless. licked flame

.


?

any better?

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer. It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom. Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this: dust moths & motes swirl in amniotic thickness and float to what it is above: and also dragging to dragged. That's just my opinion, again. Quote: cobwebbed mouths speak flowering dust moths & motes swirled from amniotic thicknesses swimming though plankton filled air wings mutely flapped dragging despair toward the sliced dimensional plane of an unrepentant tongueless. licked flame

It is. A little bit, I love the poem. I just thought drag would work better. You used the term blossom, so I thought dragging didn't go with it. (Yes, I should have said drag on the first post instead of 'dragged.' It is your poem though. Your vision. Only you can garner up the exact meaning throughout this, for you are the writer.

wylde wrote:

rip torn. rip roaring read. makes this one worthwhile to me. thanks. your interpretation of the imagery is uber superb. . cobwebbed mouths speak dust moths & motes blossom swirled from amniotic thicknesses swimming though plankton filled air wings mutely flapped dragging despair toward the sliced dimensional plane of an unrepentant tongueless. licked flame . ? any better? FuchsiaFestival! wrote: I had to think about this write, but I finally was able to connect to it in a way that differentiates from you, (probably) as the writer. It reminds me of speaking without being told; about cobwebbed mouths signifying mouths that shouldn't open and therefore shouldn't talk. The part about the flowering is covering other parts of you with 'flowers' or common sense, to get rid of the dust mites and emotions after they come together in the first place. Amniotic being the yellow baby pregnancy fluid, basically the relationship between intimacy and words, how some shouldn't be said, but how they float sensually (as if a human rapport is born) throughout the watery skies, or the attraction from an oceanic viewpoint---that are dragged throughout the 'winged words' of despair---to take despair to another viewpoint---to never repent not listening instead of speaking-----how it's like you're tongueless, but you've licked the flame away and achieved and gained substance though you weren't listening you were talking. So now it reminds me of freedom. Just my personal interpretation. The only thing I would change would be this: dust moths & motes swirl in amniotic thickness and float to what it is above: and also dragging to dragged. That's just my opinion, again. Quote: cobwebbed mouths speak flowering dust moths & motes swirled from amniotic thicknesses swimming though plankton filled air wings mutely flapped dragging despair toward the sliced dimensional plane of an unrepentant tongueless. licked flame

i continue to ruminate...