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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Spiritual Poetry... > > Any suggestions welcome, Thanks!
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Any suggestions welcome, Thanks!


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Pujakins
Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 26 13:09:23 EDT 2011    Post subject: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

Images of Christ

A golden glow
surrounds the thorn crowned
sad eyed visages.
Hands, feet drip blood.
Nailed to the cross over and over
these ancient Christs
fill room after room,
a painful congregation.

My Christ walks in a garden
talking to the roses
they open at his touch.
The cross is memory.
The risen Christ blesses life.
The beautiful sad eyed images
cannot compare
to what I feel in His Garden.

Inspired by a trip to a museum in Italy

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anna9
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29 22:55:49 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

this is beautiful, i feel such joy and peace to read the second stanza, the first one made me sad.
would you consider changing the order of these two lines in the first stanza?

Hands, feet drip blood.
Nailed to the cross over and over
these ancient Christs
fill room after room,
a painful congregation.

to


These ancient Christs
nailed to the cross
(over and over)--
fill up room after room,
painful congregation
with Hands and feet
that dripped blood.

i bolded the new words i have added, and used brackets for words that could perhaps be reconsidered,

thank you for sharing this poem Tasha

regards
anna9

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Pujakins
Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD


Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 1 19:41:00 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

Thank you Anna,. I respect your suggetions, and thank you for them. However, after thinking about what you said, I realize that the "over and over' is a reflection of the multitude of images, as well as more deeply of the symbolic crucifixions we all go through in our own lives. Thus it needs to remain. I am thinking while I prefer the order of the lines as I have them, I could separate this into 4 verses instead of 2 and that might improve the flow. I also realized, as I did so, that the second verse ending wasnot quiteright, so I have improved it. Now I think it's better.

A golden glow
surrounds the thorn crowned
sad eyed visages.
Hands, feet drip blood.

Nailed to the cross over and over
these ancient Christs
fill room after room,
a painful congregation.

My Christ walks in a garden
talking to the roses
they open at his touch.
The cross is memory.

The risen Christ blesses life.
The beautiful sad eyed images
do not inspire in me
what I feel in His Garden.

Inspired by a trip to a museum in Italy

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 19 11:57:31 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

This is a beautiful piece Tasha! My neighbor and I were just talking about this very topic not long ago. I was making a joke that in the catholic church in which I was raised we still keep jesus hanging on the cross and i wondered when they were going to realize that was just wrong. during lent and easter they cover the cross with a purple covering to signify the risen christ. anyway, love this poem!
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Pujakins
Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 21 19:26:45 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

Thanks, Dear One, you are most kind. Enjoyed your comment and your reflection. Love and a hug, Tasha

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zhaul
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 0:26:05 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

Beautiful poem, but in my view there is one stanza missing.

...
do not inspire in me
what I feel in His Garden.

The freedom from fear
The love for others, for life.
...(etc.)...

Just an opinion.

Cheers.

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Pujakins
Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD


Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400 AD
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Joined: Jun 19, 2010
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Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 12:14:59 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Any suggestions welcome, Thanks! Reply with quote

Thanks Z, I guess I didn't wish to say exactly what I felt because it is difficult to put into words. Thanks for the thought, I appreciate your input. Warm Wishes, Tasha

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