GotPoetry.com > > Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Spiritual Poetry... > > Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks!
GotPoetry.com

Help
Toggle Content .:: Home :: Poems :: Workshop Forums :: Register :: Features ::.
Toggle Content Judge this Poem

Toggle Content User Info

Welcome Anonymous

Nickname
Password
(Register)

Membership:
Latest: ctrlald
New Today: 0
New Yesterday: 1
Overall: 16825

People Online:
Members: 2
Visitors: 295
Bots: 3
Staff: 0
Staff Online:

No staff currently online.

Toggle Content Paid Membership
Buy a paid membership and get more out of GotPoetry!

Advertise on the GotPoetry Advertising Network.

Toggle Content Donations
Donate with PayPal!
GotPoetry is a community supported site.
Due Date: Apr 30
April Goal: 180.00
Gross Amount: 0.00
PayPal Fees: 0.00
Net Balance: 0.00
Below Goal: 180.00
Site Currency: USD
 0%

Toggle Content Top Poetry Clubs

Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Spiritual Poetry... > > Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks!
My PostsMy Posts  SearchSearch   visitView posts since last: visitdayweekmonth

Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks!


Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Spiritual Poetry...
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Pujakins
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1337
Credits: 300
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Wed Aug 31 19:35:09 EDT 2011    Post subject: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Fluff

In time these seeds grow
into their appointed DNA inspired
shapes and sizes. Now
they float airily,
puffed on a random breeze.

Let it be said;
Let the word be spoken:
breeze, fluff, seed growth
all is wafting on a May morning
In a concert of Now.

No one knows how,
When, where these seeds will
land on what soil
to put down roots
to grow and thrive
and float anew.

My poet mind watches
musing on breeze and seed.

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 4527.00

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number Photo Gallery
induce
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Poet of the Month!Staff Picks!Staff Picks/July 2009!Eat Chicken!Poet of the Month/December 2010Staff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2013


Joined: May 25, 2007
Posts: 8769
Credits: 166


PostPosted: Wed Aug 31 19:40:43 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Tasha, the last two lines bring a different reality back. (jmho)

Just a first thought, I hope it helps.

I enjoyed the flow in a big way,

keep penning,

andye
Karma: 74.95

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pujakins
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1337
Credits: 300
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Wed Aug 31 19:45:15 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Hmmm, interesting observation. I kind of thought my musing was like the fluff of the title, as fluffy as the seeds...Does that make sense? Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you!!! Warm Regards, Tasha

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 4527.00

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number Photo Gallery
induce
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Poet of the Month!Staff Picks!Staff Picks/July 2009!Eat Chicken!Poet of the Month/December 2010Staff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2013


Joined: May 25, 2007
Posts: 8769
Credits: 166


PostPosted: Wed Aug 31 21:10:25 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Yeah, with the title it is, nice one my friend.

andye
Karma: 74.95

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/June 2009Staff Picks - June 2009Staff Picks/May 2010Staff Picks/August 2010Staff Picks/September/ 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Judge - holiday poetry contestStaff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2011gotpoetry curator


Joined: Apr 09, 2009
Posts: 2362
Credits: 239
Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

PostPosted: Thu Sep 1 5:30:11 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

I like this very much, the only thing is I find some of the line breaks a bit abrupt and awkward. You might like to think about recasting it without changing the words.

_________________
“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski
Karma: 17779.20

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pujakins
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1337
Credits: 300
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 14:57:16 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Thanks, I will post again here and see now what you think?

Fluff

In time these seeds
grow into their appointed
DNA inspired shapes and sizes.
Now they float airily,
puffed on a random breeze.

Let it be said;
let the word be spoken:
breeze, fluff, seed growth
all is wafting on a May morning
In a concert of Now.

No one knows
how, when, where these seeds
will land on what soil
to put down roots
to grow and thrive
and float anew.

My poet mind watches
musing on breeze and seed.

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 4527.00

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number Photo Gallery
Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
Staff Picks/June 2009Staff Picks - June 2009Staff Picks/May 2010Staff Picks/August 2010Staff Picks/September/ 2010Staff Picks/December 2010Judge - holiday poetry contestStaff Picks/January 2011Staff Picks/March 2011gotpoetry curator


Joined: Apr 09, 2009
Posts: 2362
Credits: 239
Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Sep 2 16:33:10 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Yes Tasha, I think this fits the bill!

_________________
“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski
Karma: 17779.20

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
zhaul
Been here longer than 3 servers ago.


Been here longer than 3 servers ago.
Poet of the Month!Staff Picks/August 2010Best Critic/August 2010Eat Chicken!


Joined: Nov 30, 2007
Posts: 5319
Credits: 354
Location: somewhere out there

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 0:04:36 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Nice poem, an invitation to meditate. I like to relate seeds as things we do, what will be the outcome of our deeds.

_________________
Karma: 4171.80

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger Photo Gallery
Pujakins
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Blog Picks/September 2010Staff Picks/September 2011Staff Picks/October 2012Blog Picks/November 2012GP Curator


Joined: Jun 19, 2010
Posts: 1337
Credits: 300
Location: North Grafton MA

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17 12:12:49 EDT 2011    Post subject: Re: Help me improve this poem if you think it needs it? Thanks! Reply with quote

Me too, Z, me too. thanks for the input. Always so welcome. Warmly, Tasha

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 4527.00

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number Photo Gallery
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     |##| -> |=|      Forum Index > > Spiritual Poetry... All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1


Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
 Forum FAQForum FAQ




GotPoetry - News for poets. Place to write.

GotPoetry is the most popular network of performance poets and poetry readings on the internet today.

Editors: John, Mamta and a cast of tens of others.
Publisher: John Powers

Content © 1998-2008
GotPoetry LLC. All rights reserved

Engine released under GNU GPL, Code Credits, Privacy Policy, Legal Notices

Search:
 
GotPoetry.com Web

Forums Search
Gallery Search
Advanced Search


Link to Full Archives
Link to all News Topics


Link for all submission options for this site.

Subscribe - Use an RSS reader to stay up to date with the latest news and posts from GotPoetry.

GotPoetry News RSS Feed

Subscribe with Yahoo!
Subscribe with Google

Other GotPoetry RSS Syndication -  You can syndicate other parts of our site using the following files:

Yesterday's Top News
Yesterday's Top Poems
Forums
New Photos
Blogs
Downloads
Featured Articles