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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > The Hours
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The Hours


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Deleted_User_4811
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22 20:51:40 EST 2011    Post subject: The Hours Reply with quote

Dear mind, when do you think you might
to dreamy states defer?
Where have you gone, oh blissful night?
Why, heart, are you astir?

Oh eyes, why are you open still,
when slumber I prefer?
Perhaps I shall not rest until
I have forgotten her.



Copyright © 2011 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved


Last edited by Deleted_User_4811 on Thu Nov 24 11:00:51 EST 2011; edited 1 time in total
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Told love the world was on fire


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23 18:39:58 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

F., I almost always enjoy your short clever pieces. This piece feels a little forced to me. I am in love with the first line though, and the idea of addressing one's own mind separately, and the idea of the mind, in turn, having a mind of its own. Perhaps it's turtles all the way down.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 5:00:06 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

Another one of your fine short pieces! Just one thing occurs to me: S2L2 is an example of word order inversion, which in my view is to be avoided wherever possible - although I recognize that sometimes it is NOT possible to avoid it. If you do need it, then you should delete the comma in that line.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 7:28:32 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

fogglethorpe wrote:
Dear mind, when do you think you might
to dreamy states defer?
Where have you gone, oh blissful night?
Why, heart, are you astir?

Oh eyes, why are you open still,
when slumber, I prefer?
Perhaps I shall not rest until
I have forgotten her.



Copyright © 2011 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved

Hugh, the restlessness comes through here so well, enjoyed my friend,
andye
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 10:58:06 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

Yup, another wonderful short poem from Fogglethorpe!

I really like the more formal language that you've chosen. It immediately sets the tone and totally enhances the mood of the piece. It brings to mind a poor, hungry poet sitting in a small attic room staring at a piece of paper by candlelight. However, I feel like "Dear mind" is a really casual opening address, and doesn't mesh with the more formal tone of the rest of the poem. "Dear mind", to me, feels more like some guy sitting infront of the pale blue light of a computer screen....

Overall, I really like this and can totally relate to it.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 11:00:01 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

ET..thanks for the honest assessment. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might edit?

Rory..good call on the comma. I edited that part accordingly. I know the line in question does not sound natural. Obviously, I wrote it that way to keep the meter and rhyme intact. Let me consider how I might smooth it out. And thanks for the help.

Andye..your encouragement is appreciated.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 11:03:06 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

Hi Kylebank..thank you for the input. The language choices were intentional..I was going for a more classic feel.

I will consider your suggestion about the opening.
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electrictiger
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 24 14:54:18 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

You are far and away a better editor than I am - so no suggestions on that front. I think what I was reacting to was the inversions, but since you are writing in a more classical style, and under the constraints of meter, it makes sense that you're using them for this particular piece. It's actually grown on me quite a lot since I read it last. It's rather lovely.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25 12:22:15 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: The Hours Reply with quote

ET..points taken. Thank you.

I was trying for a more classic style, and the language is a little archaic. But that is partly by design, and partly because of the constraints I placed on the poem.
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