I wanted to challenge myself to write something christmas-y, but when I started thinking about the christmas tree, and the smell of peppermint and pine, I ended up somewhere entorely different.

Not sure what this is yet, but it's a start. Any help/ideas/thoughts much appreciated!


the river
was too cold
too fast for us
so we took
the long
way
home
down the railway tracks

we watched each others bodies
as we moved through the sharp summer air

your calf muscles tight, keeping balance

Seems like a good start. There is just a hint of tension that is interesting.

A few observations..

I got the impression from S1 that it was winter. Then I found out in S2 that it was summer. Maybe that's because your explanation that this started as a Christmas poem prepped my mind to think that way..?

I wonder if S1 could be developed a bit more? Did you mean walking along the river, or taking a boat, or..? Maybe it doesn't matter.

I am looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Thanks Hugh, good point! I will take a loof at the first stanza, see if I can clarify a bit more. Appreciate it!

I think this might help clarify the begining...

And if I remove any reference to summer, does it still work?

When it's all said and done, there won't be any mention of christmas in the title or topic anywhere, so I think that might help place it a bit better?

---

the river
was still too cold
for swimming,
too fast for us

so we took
the long way
home, walking
down the railway tracks

we watched each others bodies
moving through the afternoon

your calf muscles tight, keeping balance

This is a very good poem indeed. I have a couple of personal suggestions, no more than personal preferences really. I'd trim the second version slightly by eliminating "was" from L2 and "so" from S2L1; move "home" to the preceding line, and substitute "following" for "walking down". In the last line, I am in 2 minds as to whether I would get rid of "your".

Thanks Mr. Mandias! I really like the "following" idea, and I've been playing around with tightening stuff up.

Not sure how I feel about the inclusion or exclusion of "your" at the end. I can see the benefits of losing it, but it greatly changes that moment, in my opinion.

Thanks for taking time to comment, I really appreciate it!

astral projections, watching bodies makes me think of astral projections

OK, so the title will be "the river", and the first line will go right away to "still too cold". I got rid of the "so" in the 2nd stanza, but I really really want to add an "instead" as the begining of that stanza... yes? no?



The River


still too cold
for swimming,
too fast
for our small
arms

we took
the long
way home,
following the railway tracks

we watched each others bodies
moving through the afternoon

your calf muscles tight, keeping balance

kylebank wrote:

OK, so the title will be "the river", and the first line will go right away to "still too cold". I got rid of the "so" in the 2nd stanza, but I really really want to add an "instead" as the begining of that stanza... yes? no? The River still too cold for swimming, too fast for our small arms we took the long way home, following the railway tracks we watched each others bodies moving through the afternoon your calf muscles tight, keeping balance

Assuming that where you write "the river" this is just the title, then you have a problem of grammar because literally you are saying that "we were still too cold for swimming, etc". Make "the river" the first line and all will be OK.

I think it would be a good idea to put "instead" in S2, but I'd write "we took instead" rather than "instead we took". Just seems to sound better.

Yes, but I am anxious for the rest up it! You set it up so excellently, I want to know what happens!

K,

I think this is wonderful stuff. I'm maybe biased, because I grew up in the country, and we'd walk along the railroads in the summertime (and that air was strong with that striking and peculiar (clean) smell of railroad ties.)

I almost like it untitled more that I like it being called "The River" but that's just me. Loved it.

butterflyzrfree wrote:

Yes, but I am anxious for the rest up it! You set it up so excellently, I want to know what happens!

you know what happened? nothing. HAHAHAH. Gail, we had planned this afternoon for weeks - head down to the river on a sweltering summer afternoon, and the plan was to jump in and swim downstream for a bit to the other side of town and walk back from there. I just wanted to spend time with this guy, especially if it was half naked in a river. turns out he just wanted to swim.

tiger - I normally hate untitled poems. But I kinda like the feel of it here.... I dunno - I'll have to play around with it and see if I can overcome my own personal hang-ups about it. thanks for the idea!

Ozymandias wrote:

I think it would be a good idea to put "instead" in S2, but I'd write "we took instead" rather than "instead we took". Just seems to sound better.

Thanks for the feedback! I think I will go with "instead", but "we took instead" doesn't really fit the sound of the poem, to me. Thanks agaion for taking the time to help with this!

I definitely like what you've got going here so far. If you'd like to keep "The River" as the title you can simply start the first line with "it was" to clear up the grammar issue. Of course if you do that you would need to add "so" before "we" in the next stanza. This poem does a great job of creating images, so keep up the good work.