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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > Comments, suggestions gratefully received.
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Comments, suggestions gratefully received.


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Pujakins
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 25 21:05:39 EDT 2012    Post subject: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

A Leap of Faith

Spring is a leap of faith
Standing on winter’s doorstep.
Branches and birds leap into the wind,
Followed by shoots of bulbs
Leaping by inches into the thawing.

Every spring leaps faithfully forth
Singing its song of growth and life,
Calling to all to follow, follow
Into the wind to follow
Leaping behind the leaders.

Faith is a blind opening to chance
With inner sureness of success, with belief
That lengthening days will slowly warm,
With assurance that growth will urge onward
And all life burgeon with spring fervor.

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The first hundred years are the hardest


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 26 14:13:44 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

Tasha, i really like the concept here, using Spring as a link to faith with life and growth being the catalyst.

the first two stanzas contain the words "leap" or "leaping" a few too many times for my taste, however. i would try to substitute or rework those references if possible.

i love the third stanza, it could stand on its own =)
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 29 13:33:48 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

Like it!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 29 16:39:20 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

Tasha, I agree with both of the above comments - great stuff, cool poem, too much "leaping". Perhaps the birds and branches could be whipped into the wind, or they could plunge, or toss or surrender? perhaps "Every spring comes faithfully forth"? As long as you don't change the very first one - your opening line is wonderful and exciting!

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Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 22:02:26 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

This poem is beautiful, and I think Kylebank and Wordsmith's suggestions are really good. I don't think you need the word 'follow' three times.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 4 21:55:38 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Comments, suggestions gratefully received. Reply with quote

Thanks, Folks. Now how about this version? Thanks for any input, Hugs, Tasha

Leap of Faith

Spring is a leap of faith
standing on winter’s doorstep.
Branches and birds thrust into the wind,
shoots of bulbs pierce toward the sky
bursting by inches into the thawing.

Every spring leaps faithfully forth
singing its song of growth and life,
calling to all to follow into the wind.

Faith is a blind opening to change
with inner sureness of success, with belief
that lengthening days will slowly warm,
with assurance that growth will urge onward
and all life burgeon with spring fervor.

_________________
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is the the best way I know to have a rich, fulfilling life.
Karma: 5160.90

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