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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > in Costa del Sol
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in Costa del Sol


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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 0:13:14 EDT 2012    Post subject: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

in Costa del sol

it wasn't quite harvest season,
but you could see the Tourists
all the same;
three-toed in the sands
of Costa del Sol.

through the Devils own hands
they came
with Mimosa's to lips
as the waves truculently buffet
against the shore.

Notes: any feedback/commentary is greatly appreciated. I got interrupted while I was writing the ending, let me know if it sticks, or if I need to revisit that particular place.

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electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


Told love the world was on fire
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 0:55:56 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

This is great. One question -
the tense of 'buffet' bothers me in relation
to the past tense 'came'.

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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 1:38:05 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

there is a dissonance I am trying to create with the ending. as waves have been and will continue to do that action for as long as they are able.

maybe a semi-colon and a little rewording;

through the Devil's own hands
they came
with Mimosa's to lips;
while waves truculently buffet
against the shore.

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electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 2:27:34 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

Yeah, I do get that (that the waves continue) but the word "while" places it in the context frame of the three lines that preceded it. However, honestly, it doesn't matter. I think this piece is quite awesome.

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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 2:46:42 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

yeah, I understand that, and maybe I took too much of a poetic license there. maybe it works as a concise couplet at the end. that still puts me at odds with the second stanza, but at least I have an ending, and I only need two more lines, I'll revisit the scene.

through the Devil's own hands
they came
with Mimosa's to lips.

waves truculently buffet
against the shore.

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electrictiger
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 2:55:06 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

Oh, T, my little quibble was certainly never a big deal in the first place. I think its quite sound in its own right. In fact, I like it very much as is.

Good stuff. tiger out!

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Treagal
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 3:20:06 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

yes of course, thank you.

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wylde
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 5:07:31 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

treagal - all good. thoroughly enjoyed the piece and its progression. i do however feel the word "against" in your last line is somewhat redundant after the delicious (sic) use of the word "buffet".
and it may be stronger perhaps by omitting "against".



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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30 22:49:48 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

thank you wylde, your point certainly bears consideration.

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FuchsiaFestival!
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 1 19:56:37 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

I enjoyed this. However, I think you could use a comma before "they came." This is just my opinion, though. To me, there's a pause.

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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 2 0:26:21 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

I've got an edit, nothing new just a rearrangement of lines and the suggested punctuation and amendments made it in. thanks Fuchsia, I'm inclined to agree with you on the pause. let me know how this sits with you guys, thanks. Smile

in Costa del Sol

it wasn't quite harvest season,
but you could see the Tourists
all the same;
three-toed in the sands
of Costa del Sol.

with Mimosa's to lips
they came,
through the Devil's own hands;
the waves truculently buffeting
the shore.

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 2 2:57:29 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

tregal - all good. lovely to watch this pieces progression with you. one last little nit.
the 2 "the's" at the end....pehaps loose the 1st one - ie to end:


waves truculently buffeting
the shore.



riteon.



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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 2 3:51:22 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: in Costa del Sol Reply with quote

it feels so silly working on this piece, I keep changing my mind about it. wylde, in my haste I glossed over that, thanks for pointing it out. Smile

I feel like this is optimal.

in Costa del Sol

it wasn't quite harvest season,
but you could see the Tourists
all the same;
three-toed in the sands
of Costa del Sol.

they come
with Mimosa's to lips
from the Devil's own hands;
waves truculently buffet
the shore.

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