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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > American death sentence
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American death sentence


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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 21 0:52:08 EDT 2012    Post subject: American death sentence Reply with quote

rain pours in the rolled-window; on a large, see-through lens his blood
gurgles out.


Notes: I need to cut one syllable from this. I would be interested to know if the poem appeals to anyone, as well as any feedback or commentary are greatly appreciated!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23 14:27:50 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

It appears to describe a mob hit. I'm guessing. I don't get the reference to the lens, though.

Why do you need to cut one syllable?
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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23 15:06:04 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

thanks foggle, the lens reference is of the windshield.. I wasn't really going for a mob hit, more like the consequences of drunk driving.

the syllable count is important, because this is in the form that Allen Ginsberg suggested be limited to 17 syllables. American Sentences is the form, haiku-length poems.

thanks again!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23 17:16:12 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

Ok, I get it.

"See-through" seems redundant when describing a lens. Perhaps a different, one syllable adjective would work. "cracked" may be a good word.

Or, you could lose "large, see through" and use "concave"..or?

Anyway, it's an interesting form..sort of a senryu or haiku written out like prose.
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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23 18:06:50 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

hmm, yes I see your point. I like the sound of this for now;

rain pours in the rolled-window; on a cracked, concave lens his blood
trickles out.

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Ozymandias
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24 6:12:06 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

I agree with Fogglethorpe about the lens point, therefore I prefer your amendment. My other point would be, given that for this form you need 17 syllables, do you have to split it 14 + 3? For my taste, it creates a very jerky effect, the first line would be read very fast and the second is very abrupt. I would prefer the poem split into something more like the traditional 3-line haiku and read at a slow uniform pace.

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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24 6:50:36 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

Ozymandias wrote:
I agree with Fogglethorpe about the lens point, therefore I prefer your amendment. My other point would be, given that for this form you need 17 syllables, do you have to split it 14 + 3? For my taste, it creates a very jerky effect, the first line would be read very fast and the second is very abrupt. I would prefer the poem split into something more like the traditional 3-line haiku and read at a slow uniform pace.

it's funny you should say the first line reads fast, and creates a jerky effect. as these are all effects I wish to cultivate within this form. as I've stated before, this poem is about, to me, the consequences of drunk driving.

thanks Ozymandias, I'll have a long think on it.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24 8:43:59 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

I like the edit.
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Ozymandias
Told love the world was on fire


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24 17:00:06 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

Treagal wrote:
Ozymandias wrote:
I agree with Fogglethorpe about the lens point, therefore I prefer your amendment. My other point would be, given that for this form you need 17 syllables, do you have to split it 14 + 3? For my taste, it creates a very jerky effect, the first line would be read very fast and the second is very abrupt. I would prefer the poem split into something more like the traditional 3-line haiku and read at a slow uniform pace.

it's funny you should say the first line reads fast, and creates a jerky effect. as these are all effects I wish to cultivate within this form. as I've stated before, this poem is about, to me, the consequences of drunk driving.

thanks Ozymandias, I'll have a long think on it.

Yes, I noticed what you said and I can see how 14 +3 would be good if it were about the actual accident, speeding to an abrupt crash, but here you are dealing with what happens after the crash. Anyhow, your poem, your take on it!

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Treagal
And for a moment, it was like joy was


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24 17:37:47 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: American death sentence Reply with quote

it all happens in an instant, is what I'm trying to relay; there is rarely a feeling of "before" and "after". it's either in or it's out.

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