It was then Coco-Cola evolved:
Atlantic 1886 prohibition law
persuaded John Stith Pemberton
to alter his nerve tonic
"Pemberton's French Wine Coca."
A revolution-starter for your favorite drink,
stimulant and side-effects, your favorite thing.

Stimulant properties contained,
their variables remained,
stemmed from coca plant
and cola nuts.
He changed the formula,
from French Wine to sugar.
The process of Coca-Cola unfolding
into a popular store-bought product.

John Stith Pemberton,
a local pharmacist
carried Coca-Cola syrup
to Jacob's Pharmacy.
Five cents on a soda drink.
What do you think?
Five cents on a drink and you're merry,
five cents on soda, everybody's happy.

Leave it to his death in 1888,
to pour potential in the hands
of high-acumen Atlantan: Asa Candler.
He bought additional rights
to advertise additionally in
"The Atlantic Journal."
Wise enough to sell
Coca-Cola syrup
distributing coupons
for the product incessantly.
What would we do without Asa Candler,
more wit than comedian Adam Sandler.

1894, the year of advertising
outside-Atlantic
syrup in Dallas, Texas:
souvenir fans, clocks, urns
among other advertising devices
depicting the rhythm of the trademark.
Advertisement is a smart way to go:
aesthetics appeal more than words.

Joseph A. Biedenharn
so impressed:
he sold cases to farms,
lumber camps near
the Mississippi River.
He installed bottling
machinery
by the nearby store.
A future-changing idea
from a wise guy.

Brilliance.
Candler and a few Chattanoogans.
Joseph B. Whitehead and
Benjamine F. Thomas.
With contract in hand,
John T. Lupton
known for creating
the world-wide bottling system.
Everybody knows Coca-Cola,
famous like Elvis and Lennon.

Coca-Cola in your blood due
to Pemberton's beginning nerve tonic.
You better thank John and his friends
for creating your favorite fat-inducing basic.
Your favorite drink and technology
make your heart run faster.

I don't write in this style often. Suggestions welcome? I believe I can think of three prose writers who have been in the prose writing business for a while. Also, if somebody can think of a better title, thanks.

It was then Coco-Cola evolved:
Atlantic 1886 prohibition law
persuaded John Stith Pemberton
to alter his nerve tonic
"Pemberton's French Wine Coca."
A revolution for your favorite drink,
stimulant and side-effects, your legal high.

Stimulant properties contained,
their variables remained,
stemmed from coca plant
and cola nuts.
He changed the formula,
from French Wine to sugar.
The process of Coca-Cola unfolding
into a popular store-bought product.

John Stith Pemberton,
a local pharmacist
carried Coca-Cola syrup
to Jacob's Pharmacy.
Five cents on a soda drink.
What do you think?
Five cents on a drink and you're merry,
five cents on soda, everybody's happy.

Leave it to his death in 1888,
to pour potential in the hands
of high-acumen Atlantan: Asa Candler.
He bought additional rights
to advertise persistently in
"The Atlantic Journal."

Wise enough to sell
Coca-Cola syrup
distributing coupons
for the product incessantly.
What would we do without Asa Candler,
more wit than comedian Adam Sandler.

1894, the year of advertising
outside-Atlantic
syrup in Dallas, Texas:
souvenir fans, clocks, urns
depicting the rhythm of the trademark.
Advertisement is a smart way to go:
aesthetics appeal more than words.

Brilliance.
Candler and a few Chattanoogans.
Joseph B. Whitehead and
Benjamine F. Thomas.
With contract in hand,
John T. Lupton
known for creating
the world-wide bottling system.
Everybody knows Coca-Cola,
famous like Elvis and Lennon.

Coca-Cola in your blood due
to Pemberton's nerve tonic.
You better thank John and his friends
for creating your favorite basic.

I think you have interesting subject matter.

The problem for me is that it reads more like an article (or even an advertisement) than a poem, and there is no compelling summation at the end to give it a point.

Maybe other readers will feel differently than I do.

fogglethorpe wrote:

I think you have interesting subject matter. The problem for me is that it reads more like an article (or even an advertisement) than a poem, and there is no compelling summation at the end to give it a point. Maybe other readers will feel differently than I do.

Thanks, I tried. I've read Jperry's and Keiran's.

Don't give up on it. My intention was not to savage the piece or discourage you..but to inspire you to bring it to its potential (which I think it has a lot of).

fogglethorpe wrote:

Don't give up on it. My intention was not to savage the piece or discourage you..but to inspire you to bring it to its potential (which I think it has a lot of).

Thanks, can you give me some starters so I can make it sound less like an article?

I am not a prose poet, but I think most poetry in that genre sounds natural..it is written as it would be spoken. It is conversational in tone.

And as a reader, I am less interested in historical details than I am in the reason for the poem and the subject's appeal. Are you just trying to tell me the history of coca cola? Or do you want to delve into Americana, using a popular and uniqely American product? Make an observation about human nature? A statement about pop culture? I can't really tell.

I am not saying any of those themes are bad or good, or that there are not other options I failed to mention. I just think this poem is too clinical and lacks an identity.

But it can be fixed. This is your first go at prose poetry, and I admire you for being bold enough to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. You should keep going with this piece.

One more thing. Mine is only one opinion. Wait for others. They may disagree with me.

fogglethorpe wrote:

I am not a prose poet, but I think most poetry in that genre sounds natural..it is written as it would be spoken. It is conversational in tone. And as a reader, I am less interested in historical details than I am in the reason for the poem and the subject's appeal. Are you just trying to tell me the history of coca cola? Or do you want to delve into Americana, using a popular and uniqely American product? Make an observation about human nature? A statement about pop culture? I can't really tell. I am not saying any of those themes are bad or good, or that there are not other options I failed to mention. I just think this poem is too clinical and lacks an identity. But it can be fixed. This is your first go at prose poetry, and I admire you for being bold enough to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. You should keep going with this piece. One more thing. Mine is only one opinion. Wait for others. They may disagree with me.

For this poem, I'm trying to make a statement about pop culture on the whole while tying it in with the history behind Coca-Cola. I'm trying to say how people should thank their historical figures for bringing their favorite drink, in a positive fashion, because people forget about these things. For the whole general aspect of pop culture, it states that it must have evolved from somewhere.

Hola Sammi:

How have you been? You've summoned me out of my reprieve here with this. I absolutely love that you're branching out from traditionalist poetry to my neck of the woods with prosaic poetry. It's good to see others pick up the torch in trying something outside of their general area.

As a first attempt this is not bad - certainly far superior to the work I did when I was your age. I'll throw in my .05 cents here as you are stepping into my neck of the woods. And you know me well enough to know that this is not saying anything negative towards your work (of which I enjoy) so much as giving some pointers for going into the prosaic poetic field.

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

It was then Coco-Cola evolved: Atlantic 1886 prohibition law persuaded John Stith Pemberton to alter his nerve tonic "Pemberton's French Wine Coca." A revolution-starter for your favorite drink, stimulant and side-effects, your favorite thing.

I'd be cautious about opening a line with "then" - there's something about it that just doesn't sit right. It doesn't flow with the rest of what you've given here. The last two lines are excellent - the mixture of poetics and prose are evident here and I highly approve.

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

Stimulant properties contained, their variables remained, stemmed from coca plant and cola nuts. He changed the formula, from French Wine to sugar. The process of Coca-Cola unfolding into a popular store-bought product.

This is good. You've done a good job here of keeping the mesh between the two worlds. Of course one of those stimulant properties was product of the Coca-plant (queue Eric Clapton here) that certainly had folks coming back for more and more.

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

John Stith Pemberton, a local pharmacist carried Coca-Cola syrup to Jacob's Pharmacy. Five cents on a soda drink. What do you think? Five cents on a drink and you're merry, five cents on soda, everybody's happy.

I'd re-write this. First, you're throwing some more names out there that aren't really necessary - and using both pharmacist and Pharmacy are unnecessary as well. Also, I would be cautious about breaking the fourth wall with the "What do you think?" - this can work okay if you're using "you" as a second character in the work or addressing someone specific (a poem to someone in particular) - but I don't see that you're doing that here so I would gut this line as it removes from the tale and steps outside of it. Five cents on a cola with cocaine though - certainly people will be more merry for it though!

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

Leave it to his death in 1888, to pour potential in the hands of high-acumen Atlantan: Asa Candler. He bought additional rights to advertise additionally in "The Atlantic Journal." Wise enough to sell Coca-Cola syrup distributing coupons for the product incessantly. What would we do without Asa Candler, more wit than comedian Adam Sandler. 1894, the year of advertising outside-Atlantic syrup in Dallas, Texas: souvenir fans, clocks, urns among other advertising devices depicting the rhythm of the trademark. Advertisement is a smart way to go: aesthetics appeal more than words.

The first line doesn't work for me - leave it to his death? Leave what to his death? I think it's technically "Atlantian" as well though that doesn't sound quite right either (sounds like some type of mythical warrior). Who says aesthetics appeal more than words? But that's more of a quip than assistance though.

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

Joseph A. Biedenharn so impressed: he sold cases to farms, lumber camps near the Mississippi River. He installed bottling machinery by the nearby store. A future-changing idea from a wise guy. Brilliance. Candler and a few Chattanoogans. Joseph B. Whitehead and Benjamine F. Thomas. With contract in hand, John T. Lupton known for creating the world-wide bottling system. Everybody knows Coca-Cola, famous like Elvis and Lennon.

Who is Biedenham and who is Whitehead and Thomas and why do we care for their actions? And how do we know that Biedenham was a wise guy? The biggest issue here is that you're throwing out a lot of names for folks that aren't common every day names to non-historians of the history of Coca-Cola or without taking time from the work itself to go to wikipedia (which detracts from the work, like using complexicated non-regular language above the pay-grade for most average folks).

Also, I'm a little perplexed of the use of Lennon in your last line. Elvis is a perfect mention as he's American just like Coke - but a famous British guy mentioned in giving homage to a very American soda pop? Why not Elvis and DiMaggio or Elvis and Brando? This way you're keeping the American statement throughout with well known American names of great importance to our culture just as Lennon was to British culture.

FuchsiaFestival! wrote:

Coca-Cola in your blood due to Pemberton's beginning nerve tonic. You better thank John and his friends for creating your favorite fat-inducing basic. Your favorite drink and technology make your heart run faster.

I'd lose the fat-inducing. You're talking about being merry and joy and favorites with America's premiere soda - just to bring us crashing down with your last line with the bummer of it being fat inducing? Ah, you've just brought me crashing down from my sugary high, Sammi! And my heart was running faster from almost tasting the fine soda in my mouth before you bummed me with that. "Basic" is another downer - if it's basic why not stick with Pepsi? I don't want basic - I want some fizzy fun.

***

Hugh put in some good thoughts above as well - but let me add a few more things to that. With prose poetry the biggest beef is to immerse someone into a story you've created in using some poetic language. You have some hints of this here, but I don't think it's really telling so much of a story of an exciting history of coke (and by all means with something like this feel free to be incredibly melodramatic - melodrama in these type of situations works wonders) and immersing the reader so much as giving a litany of some names (who?) who may have had an important hand in shaping the soda but it leaves little room for the fizz itself (see what I did there?). I skip over all the "so and so begat so and so" in the Bible too (it rules out most of the book of Numbers - no one will ever say the book of Numbers is their favorite book of the Bible) - it doesn't add anything to the overall tale.

Take all of this with a grain of salt - God knows I'm far from being great at the prosaic poetics - but it's a start for some things to consider. Every day language and keeping it absolutely simple (with maybe one or two characters or names) is ultimately key - you don't want to over-do it by convoluting something that could be a fun little gem.

Keep going though - I'm anticipating reading more of your foray into this specific genre!

j.p.

Coca-Cola evolved
years before I entered the womb
with humans stirring outside of
my existence;
their minds wrapped around
the idea of there being a source
used to keep them awake
to stop them from dreaming.

It all started with
Atlantic 1886 prohibition law
that persuaded John Stith Pemberton
to alter his nerve tonic
into a bark-coated quencher
"Pemberton's French Wine Coca."
A revolution-starter for your favorite drink,
stimulant and side-effects, your favorite thing.

Altered formula,
French Wine changed into sugar:
the kind that casts you into a world
of hyperactive brain cells,
the need to break a move
to 80s smash hits
with
liquid sugar
weaseling its way
into your bloodstream.

John Stith Pemberton,
stubbed chemist, turned
beverage properties
into pop culture,
carried a jug of
Coca-Cola syrup
to Jacob's Pharmacy:
Five cents on a soda drink.
Five cents on a drink and you're merry,
five cents on soda, everybody's happy.

Pemberton's passing days arrived.
His ghost poured potential in the hands
of high-acumen friend, Asa Candler
who bought additional rights
to advertise in
"The Atlantic Journal."
Wise enough to sell
Coca-Cola syrup,
distributing coupons
for the product incessantly.
What would we do without Asa Candler,
more wit than comedian Adam Sandler.

1894, advertising birth point
sparked in Dallas, Texas;
a platinum year for the likes of
souvenir fans, clocks, and urns
used as marketing devices
rhythm of the trademark.
Advertisement is a smart way to go
with aesthetics curling words
into a better-than-intended
persuasion factory.

Then next came
Joseph A. Biedenharn,
first bottler of coke.
Impressed by their attempts.
he sold cases to farms
and lumber camps near
the Mississippi River
successfully
installed bottling
machinery
by a nearby store.

Today, everybody has
a way of buying
soda without diving
into tedium.
A future-changing idea
from a common fan.
Everybody knows Coca-Cola,
famous like Elvis and Rambo.

Coca-Cola in your blood due
to Pemberton's nerve tonic.
You better thank John and his friends
for creating your everyday beverage.
Your favorite drink is an
awakening of the fast lane.

dagdlagjda *delete* please.

adgadg

Hi, JP. I've been doing well, I'm going to art camp next month, which I'm excited about. It's good to see you here.

I appreciate your help. I've been looking at this poem this whole evening. Can you take a look at the new one? I took your suggestions into consideration and deleted a stanza.

I am also glad to hear that it isn't bad for my first prose-piece. I've done a few in the past, but they weren't the same type of "prose." They were, but they were more directed to a particular voice more than a history lesson. And this, when I'm finished with it, will be a more suitable definition for the term "prose", because the other "prose" pieces were not really prose enough to consider them that.

Also, I'm wondering if good prose usually consists of dialogue. If this piece would be improved with dialogue, how do you think I should embed it? Or just quotations of what has been said to you that would create a witty effect with what I'm trying to convey. The message this poem is trying to convey will stand for itself, hopefully, but all in all, I'm trying to convey why we should thank Pemberton and Candler for creating a legal source of "high." It might beef things up, but I'm not sure.

And...I'm wondering what I should name it. What would be an intriguing name for this?

There is a witty and cynical voice behind this piece that wants to come out, or maybe it's just me. I would be inclined to ham it up a bit and make it as a reverence of coca cola, tracking it's humble beginnings of many ingredients to it's mass production and love/hate worldwide... almost as an allegory of America itself. Then it would have a strong meaning and theme. Whether it is prose or not doesn't really matter.

I can see a lot of potential here.

lukaki26 wrote:

There is a witty and cynical voice behind this piece that wants to come out, or maybe it's just me. I would be inclined to ham it up a bit and make it as a reverence of coca cola, tracking it's humble beginnings of many ingredients to it's mass production and love/hate worldwide... almost as an allegory of America itself. Then it would have a strong meaning and theme. Whether it is prose or not doesn't really matter. I can see a lot of potential here.

Thank you, this was my intention. I appreciate the feedback and I will continue working on it. You are right about the idea of love/hate being an allegory of America itself, because many of the things we buy trade into are manifestations of what would be hated for their lack of philosophical depth.

Coca-Cola evolved
years before I entered the womb
with humans stirring outside of
my existence;
their minds wrapped around
the idea of there being a source
used to keep them awake
to stop them from dreaming.

It all started with
Atlantic 1886 prohibition law
that persuaded John Stith Pemberton
to alter his nerve tonic
into a bark-coated quencher
"Pemberton's French Wine Coca."
A revolution-starter for your favorite drink,
stimulant and side-effects, your favorite thing.

Altered formula,
French Wine changed into sugar:
this, that and Merchandise 7x?
(what's that?)
the 1886 secret,
that casts you into a world
(while selling cancer like candy)
of hyperactive brain cells,
the need to break a move
to 80s smash hits
with
liquid sugar
weaseling its way
into your bloodstream
spitting out memories
like elephants.
(no pun intended)

John Stith Pemberton,
stubbed chemist, turned
beverage properties
into pop culture,
carried a jug of
Coca-Cola syrup
to Jacob's Pharmacy:
Five cents on a soda drink.
Five cents on a drink and you're merry,
five cents on soda, everybody's happy.
Everybody was an innocent little
acolyte back then. Coca-Cola
just wanted to make them co-co.
Coca-Cola just wanted to be their friend.

Pemberton's passing days arrived.
His ghost poured potential in the hands
of high-acumen friend, Asa Candler
who bought additional rights
to advertise in
"The Atlantic Journal."
Wise enough to sell
Coca-Cola syrup,
distributing coupons
for the product incessantly.
What would we do without Asa Candler,
more wit than comedian Adam Sandler.

1894, advertising birth point
sparked in Dallas, Texas;
a platinum year for the likes of
souvenir fans, clocks, and urns
used as marketing devices,
because advertisement is
the smart way to go.
Everyday is beginning to sleep
like Christmas, an ongoing variable
of the marketplace.

Today, everybody has
a way of buying
soda without diving
into tedium.
Joseph A. Biedenharn,
created first bottling machines
near Mississippi river.
A future-changing idea
from a common fan.
Everybody knows Coca-Cola,
famous like Elvis and Rambo.

Let's jingle to the jungle
of cola-plant juice;
after all, it's better than
an iota of booze.
And while we dance
we shall hold hands,
blood brothers
singing a pledge
for bad dieting.

Because in today's society,
you stop dreaming;
you stop sleeping
when people grant you
water instead.
You pluck
nutrients from the
wrong tree, flaccid
limbs hurling over you.

One day, we won't dream a
thing. We will be ghost sticks
known for drinking Coke.
Our tombs covered in
caffeinated beverages.

It's very full and seemed cluttered to me. I really think this needs to be stripped back. Think about what you are trying to say. This could be brilliant and I really like the way that you are starting to weave snippets of information about the brand with you own viewpoint. This could work very well with some refinement. Keep at it...

I like the way that it's almost presented in slogans and snippets, I think you could play on this more. The language used needs close consideration.

lukaki26 wrote:

I like the way that it's almost presented in slogans and snippets, I think you could play on this more. The language used needs close consideration.

Thank you, I took a break from this. I appreciate your full time and help. But honestly, I don't know how I can fix it. I thought I had it the last edit, but I can obviously see that it still needs working. I know what I'm trying to say, directly, but through a metaphorical and witty tone. I mean, look at the way the world is in relation to Coca-Cola and other products. It's America Divine that has a love-hate relationship with them. I wonder.