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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > across concrete comes a marching of ants
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across concrete comes a marching of ants


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BenBrownlow
Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.


Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.



Joined: Dec 07, 2005
Posts: 591
Credits: 1
Location: Chelan, WA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 4 0:05:03 EDT 2007    Post subject: across concrete comes a marching of ants Reply with quote

I
how do birds die?
i have seen their
skulls cracked
filled with ants
blown from nests

i have never
seen them die
fighting the wind

it is always beneath their nests
that they lay, awaiting dust

II
this valley is a
concrete bowl of
homes like broken eggshells

the elderly nest,
waiting for sleep
with drooping eyes

the alleys reek of birdshit

the stench is drawing vultures

up the street are tweakers.
they are stuffing their tired
veins and noses and lungs and hearts
with methamphetamines
speeding things up
urging on the inevitable point in time
that everyone here is praying for.

they don't know it
but they have all come here
to nest.

they want the great change to happen.
they want the transformation to occur.

they kick their pebbles in their concrete bowl.

the young
the old
the drugged
the sober

III
we are perched here, silent.
we all watch the horizon
and pray for the stiff wind
in which my wings
will flap
+fight
+shudder
+struggle.
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Rax
"I am RAREFIED!!!"



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Joined: Mar 21, 2007
Posts: 1576
Credits: 202
Location: Philippines

PostPosted: Wed Jul 4 0:53:21 EDT 2007    Post subject: Re: across concrete comes a marching of ants Reply with quote

beautiful. love the sentiment. and the imagery is pretty fluid. just have a question with the "+" symbols. to put it bluntly: ummm, curious to know what they are.. sorry im not familiar with stuff like that. does it stand for &? "and" or are they little cross gravemarkers... ?

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RZS
Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme


Compares Alliteration, Assonance & Rhyme
Poet of the Month!Staff Picks!Award staff member for JudgingGP staff judgejudgesJudges - The Old Year - 2008Judge-broken fingers contestjudge for there is no place like home contestjudge/ekphrastic poetry contestJudge/leave the lights on contestJudge of Luck of the 'I wish' contest


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Posts: 1327
Credits: 92
Location: Flagstaff, Arizona

PostPosted: Wed Jul 4 2:26:21 EDT 2007    Post subject: Re: across concrete comes a marching of ants Reply with quote

Lots to like here... but some tweakage (different than the tweakage in your poem) is in order.

Biggest problem for me is the syntax of S1.

What I believe you saying is that the cracked bird skulls have blown from their nests and the ants have then filled them.
What you actually said, when taken at face value, is that ants have blown from their nests to fill the cracked skulls of the birds.

Also in section I,
"it is always beneath their nests
that they lay, awaiting dust"
That part renders better without "that". Try it and see if you agree.

Because you use terminal punctuation throughout your piece, you may also wish to consider using initial caps at sentence beginnings. Otherwise the reader (at least this reader) has to stop and wonder if she's missed something.

the +s were a distraction.

All that aside, I think you have a good concept here, and the extended metaphor feels right for the topic, and is rendered with some originality.

Enjoyed.

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BenBrownlow
Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.


Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.



Joined: Dec 07, 2005
Posts: 591
Credits: 1
Location: Chelan, WA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 4 15:36:33 EDT 2007    Post subject: Re: across concrete comes a marching of ants Reply with quote

Thanks for all the help. The +'s should be ampersands. As far as the that opening syntax goes, with the ants and everything, I don't want to be misunderstood, but I really like the sound of the words as they are. Hmm. I think you may be on to something about the "that". Thanks both of you.
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