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The WeatherMan
Aisle 9 - the Regular Column Opinion piece on the Seasons

I hate Winter. Currier & Ives is a leftist plot. Ice is nice only in Tanqueray & Tonic. I can't skate, ski, or snowboard. Why do we live in freakin' Worcester?

I hate Winter in Worcester. It's raining where my daughter lives in Bristol, Rhode Island. It's drizzling on my best friend in Northford, Connecticut. It's an overcast 72 degrees where my aunt in Tampa, Florida retired. Meanwhile, I'm snow -throwing the driveway for the 14th time since daybreak and it's a tad before noon.

I hate Winter. Last Friday, after the ice storm, my wife and I struggled to Maine for a planned getaway weekend. We stopped at the Maine Diner where the locals were gushing about generators, wood stoves, and chain saws. It made me lightheaded ;I went back to the motel and drew a hot bath.

In all fairness, I also hate Summer. I'd rather jab a number-two pencil in my ear than go to the beach. I can't swim, surf , or sailboat. I pinball from an air-conditioned house to an air-conditioned car to an air-conditioned office. Occasionally, I break out the red speedo and flowery hat to doggie-paddle across our above-ground pool then count my grey chest-hairs under our patio umbrella. Our neighbors are moving.

I hate Summer in Worcester. My wife has so many plants and lawn ornaments in the yard that it's like mowing a miniature golf course. The City air is heavy and muggy; I break into a sweat fetching the paper from the front steps.

I hate Summer and Winter. We need to live where there's only a Spring and a Fall. I googled “Places where there is only two seasons.” It answered “Xinjiang, China” with a seven-month Summer and a five-month Winter. Just light a firecracker in my freakin' mouth!

In summation, I love artificial environments. Keep my office at a crisp 68 degrees. Frequent movie theaters, bars, and waiting rooms. Look forward to March 20th then September 22nd in '09. Otherwise, Mother Nature can kiss my chilly/sweaty ass.

Submitted by bardofaisle9 on Tuesday, December 23, 2008 (02:08:57) (563 reads)

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