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Poems - tiny crabs


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tiny crabs

by ken2shoes

tiny crabs
scurry for their holes
when I step forward
don’t worry, crabs
I tread softly

<< prev | Haiku, Senryu, Renga and Tanka | next >>

"tiny crabs" | Login/Create an Account | 8
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Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
by anna9 on Monday, August 22, 2011 (21:31:17)
good imagery Ken, very contemplative indeed, but i will settle for the simple obvious, it made me smile, surprising how the oft seen can come up to be a soft contemplative poem

| Parent
    Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
    by ken2shoes on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 (10:39:28)
    Thanks, Anna, a lot of changes went into the last line - there is a reference to a poem by Yeats where he uses the phrase 'tread softly'. Someone in a tanka forum suggested it.

    | Parent

Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
by K13739 on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 (09:08:44)
Another great one, Ken. Have you thought about putting a comma after "crabs" in the 4th line? Although this works too.

| Parent
    Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
    by ken2shoes on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 (10:37:46)
    Thanks Paula, I did think about it, but punctuation in these Japanese forms (haiku and tanka) has a cost to it - you see minimal punctuation in these.

    I depend on the line break to add the pause. such little and subtle decisions. My original last two lines were:

    don't worry, crabs, I promise
    to tread softly on this world

    I post in a tanka forum. the people thought that was too heavy and they didn't like the 'enjambment' - one line running into another.

    There are certain minimal guidelines that I try to follow. Another is that you avoid end-rhymes and, indeed, rhyming altogether.

    I am willing to try to write withn the guidelines as much as possible so that the poem can be called a tanka.

    I have become smitten with the form, because you can use metaphor and simile and include emotional lines as well. Haiku is much more 'objective'. I love writing short poems, so I have been writing nothing but these for about three weeks.

    | Parent
      Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
      by K13739 on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 (11:09:10)
      I like the new last lines more than the original, they are very effective. I understand now that the pause after crabs is meant to be like a comma. It works well. I take my hat off to you for being able to write tankas and haikus. They are not my strong point Very Happy

      | Parent
        Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
        by ken2shoes on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 (12:50:47)
        I think you could write well in any form you tried.

        | Parent

Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
by ossy on Tuesday, August 30, 2011 (08:58:29)
The imagery is thrilling with much humor.Had to smile after reading it.
Best wishes,

| Parent

Re: tiny crabs (Score: 1 )
by omegapaf on Wednesday, August 31, 2011 (16:57:05)
thanks ken. we little crabs appreciate your effort on our behalf - king crab.

| Parent

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