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Poems - Toxic FlashBacks
| | Toxic FlashBacksby wickedone
Here I am just one more time writing and thinking and trying to rhythm. But this time my heart is heavy I cannot find anything that is funny or touch on anything of hidden beauty. I guess life catches up with you it has to at a certain point. Old memories crash in from every corner. It cripples you to make you remember things you have stored neatly away in those dark crevices of your mind. Maybe your thinking or pretending everything is okay, then just don't reflect on those things that bothered you so long ago. Yes you know things remembered well and also the things that you cannot change. But wait are those flashbacks and should you deal with them, or Oh My God did that really happen and did it happen to me?
The difference with me and someone else even at the age of 8 or 9 there was no doubt that I knew inside of myself that I had done nothing wrong. I wore the welts on my back and the scars so deep I had to lay on my stomach at night, it was the only position in which I could possibly sleep. Funny now as I think back and remember I did not question any part of that I guess I thought it was normal. Sleep even at such a young age did not come easy. I was alway in fear of an argument or fight breaking out, depending on how much the 'vipers' had to drink or their conversation that night. I tried so hard to blend into the wall when other children were asking for toys after school and chatting and all. I was praying to God let me go home, quietly and not make noise. I would have been happy at 8 years old just to go home and blend into the wall.
At night when I was asleep with one eye open and my mother and her 'boyfriend' alone in their room. With no one looking, I put on my socks and shoes and pulled the covers up to my neck. I always survived with the 'fight or flight technique' long before I knew what it was. All I remember my heart pounding in my ears, my hands shaking pretending all along but sleep would not come. I kept a close eye on the door, listened to hear if 'he' was snoring then maybe just maybe I could relax and rest just for a minute, a minute, maybe a minute.....
Then at school I learned to wear a mask to hide my face to pretend my life was okay. I talked and walked like the rich kids.
Did I fit in well if nothing else my posture was excellent. I sat up straight never touching the back of the chair for fear of pain from the welts of the 'strap' that I knew so well.
I always felt no one cared. No one asked me anything, I was invisible to the world. A blatant mistake something everyone had to put up with just put on this earth only to bother others and be dealt with. Being beat and abused you feel you don't deserve to breath the air of others its only their for those that others care for and about. My mother I remember as a young child of nine or ten was dominant and rude, strong and tough. I was never hugged, cuddled or played with unheard of family does not come to mind when I think of her. Fear was the only word I can and could always think of sadly enough. I used to
wonder why have kids at all cause kids require hugging at all times is my belief hugging and loving them at all costs.
Even when I thought a teacher showed signs of sympathy understanding, kindness and sincerity my flags of mistrust immediately flew up. Did she want to see my scars and welts from repeatedly being beaten by that worn out leather belt? Did she show interest in me as a person? Can I trust this teacher to take my mother on, and if so and she fails will she follow through? Will I be beaten once again for having trusted someone once again only to be let down and face the music
alone when I get home?
I could not trust that she had my best interest at heart that she was not afraid of my mother to start. When people would meet her she was scarey and mean and they would back off and leave me to face her again. I cannot risk that my teacher will do what is right my mother will frighten her and I will pay for it when I get home tonight. So again and alone I walked all the way home knowing I had no one I could rely on, I felt lost...
I remember being asked in summer why I wore long sleeves and tall neck shirts I shrugged in my own way to say I dunno, but to hide my leather strap design on my back. My family consists of more then my mother and I but she was difficult and
no one wanted to take her on even when you knew she was wrong. They came and eventually left to their safe homes unable to change or do much of anything only time and size would be my saviour or praise to sing. When she spoke everyone listened and he was there to give her advice to help her along to drink with her and occassionally fight and to encourage her to beat on me when he felt the urge.
I am strong enough to put the blame where it belongs and honestly as a child I always told myself 'they must really hate who they are' and someday they will have to face what they have done. One thing I always remember that made my mom so mad was everytime she would finish using the strap or the belt I looked into her face if only for a split second I always asked her 'Why do you hit me, I am just a kid'? then I would take off running like a bat out of hell. End of Part !.
*To Note these are true stories of child abuse being written and compiled then placed where others will be able to read them in a clinical setting of a friend of mine where she is qualified to help them dealing with similar circumstances. This is only one small part. These articles are not easy to write for me so I usually sit and write them, leave them a couple of days and go back, then review and correct. Thanks for everyones patience with my work on GP.. you guys are awesome.
l
oh "VIPER" was my own private name for someone ie mom and her boyfriend for being mean to me as in ssssnake....
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| "Toxic FlashBacks" | Login/Create an Account | 14 |
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| The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
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'Fight or flight' -
(Score: 1 )
by Makoto on Friday, February 29, 2008 (10:03:40) |
'Fight or flight' - wow, I can feel my stomach tighten...awesome.
This is Good work that you're doing. Thanks - keep fighting the good fight.
You've got me reflecting now..!
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'Fight or flight' -
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Friday, February 29, 2008 (10:10:38) |
Thank You So Much! That means alot to me; it has taken years for me to even talk about all of this stuff but now I am excited cause I know I can use it to help others. That in itself and encouragement like yours will keep me going.. much peace and love to you..~W
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It's the 'sleeping i
(Score: 1 )
by Ramonez on Friday, February 29, 2008 (12:23:54) |
It's the 'sleeping in my shoes' that knotted the old throat there for a while.
I'm gonna sell out and add this one to my favourites.
Thank you for sharing this.
You are on the boundry of brilliant.
Looking at it.
Go on, then.
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It's the 'sleeping i
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Friday, February 29, 2008 (15:13:15) |
Words cannot express....I so appreciate your sincere comment and let you know this has been a long time coming for me.. There is so much more left to share. .hugs to you. ~W
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It is a very good wr
(Score: 1 )
by Glen on Friday, February 29, 2008 (19:14:35) |
It is a very good write wanda but those beatings should not happen to any child i feel for you and any others but i think it is good you can write about it
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It is a very good wr
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Saturday, March 01, 2008 (06:47:48) |
My friend Glen: Its not all sad and I hope that one does not walk away with that picture only. That little girl grew to be so much more and then some. But we are 'bits and pieces' of the continuum of our life, not just today. Thank you for your comments and friendship both highly regarded and respected. hugs to you; ~W
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I enjoyed this read.
(Score: 1 )
by badmalthus on Friday, February 29, 2008 (20:36:59) |
I enjoyed this read......the memories.
Harry
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I enjoyed this read.
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Saturday, March 01, 2008 (06:49:30) |
Thank you Harry I appreciate your reading and commenting much respect and hugs; ~W
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Awwwwww...
(Score: 1 )
by anna9 on Friday, February 29, 2008 (21:55:06) |
Awwwwww...
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Awwwwww...
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Saturday, March 01, 2008 (06:57:36) |
Awwww; much love and respect my friend. Thank you for reading my words. I know they are not the most pleasant but still happening today to children in many countries to some degree and much worst in others I fear. I am grateful; ~W
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I'm happy to know th
(Score: 1 )
by PassionatePoet on Friday, February 29, 2008 (23:55:15) |
I'm happy to know that you're working this out but sad to hear it happened. It explains a lot of yourself to me. The rest is in my email. I love you.
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I'm happy to know th
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Saturday, March 01, 2008 (07:09:44) |
Life is complicated in itself but through a child's eyes you must magnify that a thousand fold. Love and support play a huge role in bringing peace to a troubled soul. I have always felt your love your support and your friendship all 3 of which are so valuable to me. All 3 of which I also hope you feel in return. I love you and thanks for your support as well!. ~W hugs stewie
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How absolutely tragi
(Score: 1 )
by Nolip on Friday, March 14, 2008 (15:22:13) |
How absolutely tragic yet how brave of you to share all of this here...
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How absolutely tragi
(Score: 1 )
by wickedone on Saturday, March 15, 2008 (04:55:51) |
Thank You for your comments and input and for dropping by and reading my work, the rating is very nice as well. I value your opinion. As always W~
 Added on: 29-Feb-2008 | Hits: 1012 |
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01: maryanns
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