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Poems - cascades (tanka)

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cascades (tanka)

by wordsmithwannabe

discarded waters
slide down shivering boulders
as I weep for you
my tears mimic the cold streams
spilling down the mountain’s cheek





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"cascades (tanka)" | Login/Create an Account | 54
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Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by music8208046 on Friday, May 07, 2010 (08:00:56)
this is AWESOME...it makes me feel sad...and i LOVE the imagery

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:10:05)
    glad you enjoyed, thanks for the AWESOME comment, i LOVE that you loved this Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by Zbird on Friday, May 07, 2010 (08:17:13)
oh wow! awesome poem! so sad and so beautiful! what great imagery!

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:10:42)
    thank you Lady Z!

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by jean on Friday, May 07, 2010 (09:04:25)
A VERY VIBRANT POEM

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:11:06)
    thank you ever so much!

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by PinkNeonFlavor on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:11:19)
beautiful piece

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:11:59)
    thank you Pinky!

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:33:29)
"-
How blue..."

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:13:09)
    i dunno, the ink looks pretty black to me... Laughing Laughing

    Rolling Eyes

    | Parent
      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
      by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:41:01)
      Oooh, you're a one! Rolling Eyes

      | Parent
        Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
        by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:47:36)
        really? i was clearly hoping to be at least a nine or even a ten... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

        | Parent
          Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
          by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:51:25)
          Oh, get you with your taking things literally. -sigh- Some people can't take an idiom!

          | Parent
            Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
            by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:54:54)
            did you just call me an idiom! oh yeah, well you're an onomatopeia! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

            | Parent
              Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
              by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:57:06)
              'Bah-domdom, ArrogantDan!' Nah, I prefer 'Pish!' I think.

              | Parent
                Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:00:10)
                and i've just pished myself laughing... Laughing Laughing

                | Parent
                  Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                  by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:03:20)
                  Laughing I'm sorry, I'm too hilarious for my own good. I should be in a cell marked 'WARNING: Charisma!'

                  | Parent
                    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:04:57)
                    i was thinking more like a cardboard box with no holes... Twisted Evil

                    | Parent
                      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                      by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:08:41)
                      I wouldn't expect anything less from someone who lives in... a shoe? A brown, paper bag? A clichéd riverboat?

                      | Parent
                        Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                        by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:12:16)
                        so sayeth the talking crow avatar...or is that a raven?? i prefer crow, they're are nasty little arrogant creatures... Laughing Laughing

                        | Parent
                          Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                          by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:15:37)
                          If you look carefully it says 'Nevermore' at the side of it. A clear reference to...? Anyone?

                          | Parent
                            Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                            by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:23:11)
                            Britney Spears?? Laughing Laughing Laughing

                            | Parent
                              Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
                              by wolfinwindow on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:56:51)
                              Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing love the comments!!!!!!

                              | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by wolfinwindow on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:34:15)
awesome imagery and analogy...heartbreaking tanka

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:13:34)
    thank you wolfie!

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka)
by Anonymous on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:37:04)
felt blue [not yellow or orange] reading this. somehow cud not relate to 'shivering boulders' Sad Sad Sad ....reading a gud tanka after a long time Smile

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:53:19)
    Laughing Laughing you would have to include THOSE colors in your comment, cheeky cheeky cheeky Laughing Laughing i dunno about the shivering boulders, the image comes from a hiking trip i took and my friend remarked that the mountain stream was so cold that the boulders shivered, and right then a couple of them trembled and broke loose and tumbled down the waterfall, just like tears...

    Oooo should i change "shivering" to "trembling" instead??

    | Parent
      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
      by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:35:31)
      It's a lovely tanka. A little squirrely question mark bloomed in my head too reading it around the word 'shiver' but that doesn't make it wrong.

      | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by cathy.robinson on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:02:40)
i liked it...even though it made me picture you crying...that made me sad. Crying or Very sad

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:05:54)
    awww its just a wee poem darlin, i don't really cry, i had my tear ducts removed years ago...

    | Parent
      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
      by cathy.robinson on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:23:02)
      good...

      | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by Craigd741 on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:01:06)
Great write Chris, I love tankas, and this is a very good one.

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:29:08)
    thank you Craig, hadn't written one up until now so i thought i'd give it a shot, glad you liked this

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by Keeperofhope on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:10:05)
Nicely done! even if it is sad
jess

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:30:17)
    thanks Jess, sad seems to be my forte lately, even though i am quite happy at the moment...weird

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by Keeperofhope on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:10:07)
Nicely done! even if it is sad
jess

| Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by WordLover on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:33:41)
chris, tankas are my favorite I think and this is simply beautiful! The imagery is amazing, and your last two lines - so achingly sad. Well done, my friend!!

Sandy

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:31:26)
    Thank you Miss Sandy! i love your tankas, it was you who inspired me to write one, i've wanted to ever since i first read one of yours...so thank you thank you thank you Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by maryanns on Friday, May 07, 2010 (17:21:37)
Ah, your poem reads like a brisk hike...
beautifully described. I'm refreshed, Chris.
Your sis, Mary Ann

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:33:14)
    thank you sis, i was thinking back to a recent hike up near Multnomah Falls, and a comment my friend made about the stream being tear-like, it was a beautiful day but i was sad to go home, i guess that's where this came from...your bro chris

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:43:55)
I really like this tanka, and I really like waterfalls and hiking, too.

A few questions: Is discarded exactly the right word?

my tears mimic the cold streams i feel this is already implied
in the context of the short poem it's enclosed in, and since you have so little space to say a lot, maybe trust the reader's mind to connect the dots? ctively connecting dots is what imparts much of the pleasure in reading.

A very good and expressive piece.

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:47:32)
    or maybe better, because 'my tears mimic the cold streams' is such a nice thought,
    'as i weep for you' would no longer be required. I will stop rambling. I have no idea what I'm talking about, as usual.

    | Parent
      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
      by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:57:25)
      hmmm i see your point, but i cant think of how i would redo it at this point. its my first tanka, a jumping off point for more, so i'll use this one as a learning lesson...i like 'shivering' because it gives an emotional quality to the inanimate objects, but i can see how it could feel strange

      | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by strongman on Friday, May 07, 2010 (23:15:35)
i like this alot

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (00:31:23)
    thank you so much for your comment, it is very much appreciated Very Happy

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by angeroseblue on Friday, May 07, 2010 (23:41:14)
to someone who feels poetry ..as myself
this is beautifully done
but i hate that you can give imagery of crying so well.... Shocked Shocked

now...
i need to eat me a pear!!! Very Happy

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (00:33:31)
    ahh well we write about what we know, don't we...

    i love pears, i make a wonderful poached pear dessert with port wine. yummm

    | Parent
      Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
      by angeroseblue on Sunday, May 09, 2010 (00:07:03)
      yes we do

      and please sir....

      don't tease the tongue
      not nice at all Laughing Laughing Laughing

      | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by Dreaming-Demon on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (14:07:41)
Absolutely amazing my friend

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (22:32:24)
    thank you D-D, always appreciate your wonderful comments

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by thewholesoul on Monday, May 10, 2010 (11:18:34)
lovely lovely lovely. beautiful tanka

best wishes
conor

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Monday, May 10, 2010 (13:51:09)
    thank you Conor!

    | Parent

Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
by poetpaul on Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (11:43:37)
Top class tanka ! Perfect visuals.

| Parent
    Re: cascades (tanka) (Score: 1 )
    by wordsmithwannabe on Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (12:03:06)
    thank you very much! i'm so glad that you decided to read on comment on this poem, its my first tanka and i was a little hesitant to post it...so again, thank you

    chris

    | Parent


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