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Poems - cascades (tanka)
| | cascades (tanka)by wordsmithwannabe
discarded waters
slide down shivering boulders
as I weep for you
my tears mimic the cold streams
spilling down the mountain’s cheek
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| "cascades (tanka)" | Login/Create an Account | 54 |
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| The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by Zbird on Friday, May 07, 2010 (08:17:13) |
oh wow! awesome poem! so sad and so beautiful! what great imagery!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:10:42) |
thank you Lady Z!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by jean on Friday, May 07, 2010 (09:04:25) |
A VERY VIBRANT POEM
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:11:06) |
thank you ever so much!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by PinkNeonFlavor on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:11:19) |
beautiful piece
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:11:59) |
thank you Pinky!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:33:29) |
"-
How blue..."
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:13:09) |
i dunno, the ink looks pretty black to me...
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:41:01) |
Oooh, you're a one!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:47:36) |
really? i was clearly hoping to be at least a nine or even a ten...
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:51:25) |
Oh, get you with your taking things literally. -sigh- Some people can't take an idiom!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:54:54) |
did you just call me an idiom! oh yeah, well you're an onomatopeia!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:57:06) |
'Bah-domdom, ArrogantDan!' Nah, I prefer 'Pish!' I think.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:00:10) |
and i've just pished myself laughing...
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:03:20) |
I'm sorry, I'm too hilarious for my own good. I should be in a cell marked 'WARNING: Charisma!'
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:04:57) |
i was thinking more like a cardboard box with no holes...
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:08:41) |
I wouldn't expect anything less from someone who lives in... a shoe? A brown, paper bag? A clichéd riverboat?
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:12:16) |
so sayeth the talking crow avatar...or is that a raven?? i prefer crow, they're are nasty little arrogant creatures...
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by ArrogantDan on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:15:37) |
If you look carefully it says 'Nevermore' at the side of it. A clear reference to...? Anyone?
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (14:23:11) |
Britney Spears??
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wolfinwindow on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:56:51) |
love the comments!!!!!!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wolfinwindow on Friday, May 07, 2010 (11:34:15) |
awesome imagery and analogy...heartbreaking tanka
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:13:34) |
thank you wolfie!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
by Anonymous on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:37:04) |
felt blue [not yellow or orange] reading this. somehow cud not relate to 'shivering boulders'  ....reading a gud tanka after a long time
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (13:53:19) |
you would have to include THOSE colors in your comment, cheeky cheeky cheeky i dunno about the shivering boulders, the image comes from a hiking trip i took and my friend remarked that the mountain stream was so cold that the boulders shivered, and right then a couple of them trembled and broke loose and tumbled down the waterfall, just like tears...
Oooo should i change "shivering" to "trembling" instead??
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:35:31) |
It's a lovely tanka. A little squirrely question mark bloomed in my head too reading it around the word 'shiver' but that doesn't make it wrong.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by Craigd741 on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:01:06) |
Great write Chris, I love tankas, and this is a very good one.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:29:08) |
thank you Craig, hadn't written one up until now so i thought i'd give it a shot, glad you liked this
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by Keeperofhope on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:10:05) |
Nicely done! even if it is sad
jess
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:30:17) |
thanks Jess, sad seems to be my forte lately, even though i am quite happy at the moment...weird
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by Keeperofhope on Friday, May 07, 2010 (15:10:07) |
Nicely done! even if it is sad
jess
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by maryanns on Friday, May 07, 2010 (17:21:37) |
Ah, your poem reads like a brisk hike...
beautifully described. I'm refreshed, Chris.
Your sis, Mary Ann
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (18:33:14) |
thank you sis, i was thinking back to a recent hike up near Multnomah Falls, and a comment my friend made about the stream being tear-like, it was a beautiful day but i was sad to go home, i guess that's where this came from...your bro chris
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:43:55) |
I really like this tanka, and I really like waterfalls and hiking, too.
A few questions: Is discarded exactly the right word?
my tears mimic the cold streams i feel this is already implied
in the context of the short poem it's enclosed in, and since you have so little space to say a lot, maybe trust the reader's mind to connect the dots? ctively connecting dots is what imparts much of the pleasure in reading.
A very good and expressive piece.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by electrictiger on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:47:32) |
or maybe better, because 'my tears mimic the cold streams' is such a nice thought,
'as i weep for you' would no longer be required. I will stop rambling. I have no idea what I'm talking about, as usual.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Friday, May 07, 2010 (19:57:25) |
hmmm i see your point, but i cant think of how i would redo it at this point. its my first tanka, a jumping off point for more, so i'll use this one as a learning lesson...i like 'shivering' because it gives an emotional quality to the inanimate objects, but i can see how it could feel strange
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by Dreaming-Demon on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (14:07:41) |
Absolutely amazing my friend
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Saturday, May 08, 2010 (22:32:24) |
thank you D-D, always appreciate your wonderful comments
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by thewholesoul on Monday, May 10, 2010 (11:18:34) |
lovely lovely lovely. beautiful tanka
best wishes
conor
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Monday, May 10, 2010 (13:51:09) |
thank you Conor!
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by poetpaul on Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (11:43:37) |
Top class tanka ! Perfect visuals.
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Re: cascades (tanka)
(Score: 1 )
by wordsmithwannabe on Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (12:03:06) |
thank you very much! i'm so glad that you decided to read on comment on this poem, its my first tanka and i was a little hesitant to post it...so again, thank you
chris
Added on: 07-May-2010 | Hits: 2143 |
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