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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes.
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I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes.


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lemonlemonlemon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 6:49:23 EDT 2009    Post subject: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Hey everyone, ill let you infer what you will. Just to give you all the heads up, this is part of my final exams for grade 12 (long story, but in Australia you have to hand in a body of work for english, and ive chosen postmodern poetry).
My theme is the societal effects of consumerism on society. Any feedback at all is appreciated!! Smile




Say, what right is there to refuse?
To hitch up even one lever.
Ignore the girlish obscenity
And circle my toe tentatively in
Pornographic waters.

It’s inconvenient obedience!
The passive-aggressive, American
Genuine contention.
Between moral living and flickering
Market promise.

Oh, The ill-judged drama!
Rear me up, cater to my belittled
Human Frivolity.
Let me have you among the wisps
Of responsibility I’ve left behind.

Scratch dollar signs in my eyes.
And for a weekend, for a borrowed moment
Just let me
… forget.

Deep fry my conscience, Vegas.
Allow me my Hamlet death!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 7:13:37 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

welcome to the forums, lemonX3!

what a way to introduce yourself - with a great poem! love the fresh images here. not sure about all caps - they seem to give it s bit of a pompous air...LOL, but well done overall. my favorite part - "circle my toe tentatively in pornographic waters".

look forward to more of your poetry Smile

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lemonlemonlemon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 7:24:58 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Haha, thanks Bogeyman!

Thanks for the feedback. I was also unsure about the caps, and I understand what you mean. I included them as they are almost paralleling Shakespearean prose (which is why i chose to have very dramatic first lines in each stanza, ie 'Oh, the ill-judged drama!') because i'm linking the poem with Hamlet. And Vegas. Eckh, i'm linking it with lots of things.

Your comments are really helpful, because my teacher at school isn't all that impressed that i've decided to choose poetry rather than the typical choice of a short story/critical analysis. I'm getting next to no help. So thanks so much!!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 7:30:40 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

you are very welcome and i'm sure you'll get a lot more help on this piece over the next 2-3 days. i'm sure i'll come back and re-read it few more times as well.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 8:00:22 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Hey there! Out of curiousity, where were the caps? Curious about how the original poem looked.

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lemonlemonlemon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 8:49:45 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Originally it was 'Market Promise' 'Genuine Contention' and 'Pornographic Waters'

Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 9:37:55 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Way to hit the ground running, 3Lemon! It is wonderful to hear about your portfolio project, as well as your backbone in pursuing your interest! You'll do so much better because of it.

"Pornographic waters, inconvenient obedience, ill-judged drama" all great phrases! loved 'em. And I am enthusiastic about the last couplet too.

I'm curious about the physical arrangement of S4. It is strikingly different from the others and for me, the content doesn't necessarily support the change.

The words sure work. This is a tart splash of lemon! lol

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lemonlemonlemon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 19:18:27 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

I toyed around with the idea of the line forget being aligned to the right.

ie.

Just let me
[align=center] ..forget
[/align]

I guess the change in structure is because i wanted that stanza to be separated from the others. It's almost showing a conclusion..and to me it has a different feel. But i'm definitely taking that on board, as i see exactly what you mean!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18 20:26:51 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

I love the title and it fits so well with the poem. Great phrases. This feels really polished to me. Is there something that isn't working for you with this poem?

And one last comment. I admire your stand to write poetry instead of prose for this project, but it might be that your teacher isn't very fluent in poetry and that is why you are getting no help. If this is the case, be aware that ignorance is not the best judge. This doesn't feel like a grade 12 piece of writing. That is a compliment. There is a maturity to this that I am drawn to. Well done.
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19 5:49:47 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Thanks!!

Yeah, my teacher admitted he feels uncomfortable mentoring me, as he doesn't really appreciate poetry and wouldn't be able to properly judge it, as he 'can't think abstractly'. Funny thing to say when you're an English teacher, constantly looking for metaphors and symbols!

Just wondering, from everyone's perspective, whether, in my suite of poems based on the effects of consumerism on society, i should have a clear and cohesive writing style. This poem is what i would call more of a thought-provoking, analytical poem. But others of mine are alot sharper, shorter, wittier and more playful. Do you think consistency is vital?
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19 5:59:57 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

I think that it would be best to show a variety of styles, especially since your teacher will be having a hard time with the poetry anyway. Did you ask your teacher if there might be another faculty member that might be able to advice you in this process and to aid him when evaluating your work?

You know I do believe in consistency of voice. In other words, I like to recognize who I am reading when I am reading them. But I don't think that has to do with style of poetry. And some people don't develop a voice until they have been practicing poetry for a long while. You are young. I wouldn't be thinking all that much about personal voice yet.

I am curious to know how you are gathering your tools to craft your poetry if your teacher is of little help. A parent? Books? etc.
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19 6:38:46 EDT 2009    Post subject: Re: I want to spit out temptation, and rub it in my eyes. Reply with quote

Ah, I wish i knew.

I kind of fell into it. I've always been the artistic type (to give you an example, I am doing Visual Art, Music, Drama and 2 Extensions of Advanced English at school!) and have always done better in the creative writing section of exam papers! After school i want to become an actor.

I can't say i can pinpoint a direct influence on the crafting of my poetry. It sort of all just splurts out onto a page when i think of a good idea. I've always admired different words. To me, poetry is simply another artform. It's like painting, or acting, or singing. It's arranging words in an artistic way. And i like doing it.

The thing i've always found strange about my enjoyment of writing poetry, is that i hate reading it. Well, most of it. I find alot of poetry either cutesy or pretentious, and sometimes just too hard to decipher. Yet i love constructing my own.

I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. My neighbour is a professor of English at the University of Sydney, so i think i'll be paying her a visit. But other than that, I've sort of turned to this site, in hope that i can get some criticism/feedback here.

It's really nice to know that others take in an interest in what i do. And frankly, a little confronting. But pleasurably confronting. If that makes any sense?!
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