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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > Untitled
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Untitled


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jessaroo
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was



Joined: Jul 13, 2004
Posts: 1906
Credits: 53


PostPosted: Fri Feb 13 4:13:38 EST 2009    Post subject: Untitled Reply with quote


crying into his shoulder
and hearing him tell me
it was all going to be okay
was even better than i thought
even better than i dreamed

damnit

_________________
i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware
of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
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HSTeech
I have posted over 2800 times!


I have posted over 2800 times!
Poet of the Month!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry Contest!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!judge tanka contestStaff Picks!Poem of MonthBlog Picks!Winner-The Old Year-2008Staff Picks!Best Critic - June 2009Staff Picks/September 2009winner/ekphrastic poetry contestJudge/leave the lights onEat Chicken!


Joined: Aug 02, 2008
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Location: Battling ignorance in Rm 111

PostPosted: Fri Feb 13 11:05:26 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

Jess! LTNS!

This is a great little piece with plenty of punch. I like the repetition of "even better" in particular.

How about using the "damnit" as the title? Just a thought.

Welcome back!

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www.artemisrising.org/

Recipe for a poem by Thom Ward:
One dash syllable, One dash silence, One dash clarity, One dash mystery, One dash - the ineffable..
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jessaroo
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was



Joined: Jul 13, 2004
Posts: 1906
Credits: 53


PostPosted: Sat Feb 14 15:15:44 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

HSTeech wrote:
Jess! LTNS!

This is a great little piece with plenty of punch. I like the repetition of "even better" in particular.

How about using the "damnit" as the title? Just a thought.

Welcome back!

Smile Thanks. I haven't had time to write a lot... trying to get back into it.

I think I must have four poems entitled "Damnit" now... apparently it's my word! Smile

_________________
i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware
of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
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Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 15 14:40:03 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

Hi jessaroo,

This is a good little ironic piece.

Some suggestions:

Begin with a capital letter, add a comma after L4, and end L5 with a period.

Make "damnit" either two words, like this..."Damn it!" or, since the piece would work with a colloquialism, "Dammit!".

So, you would have:


Crying into his shoulder
and hearing him tell me
it was all going to be okay
was even better than i thought,
even better than i dreamed.

Damn it!
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Deleted_User_4811
Who knew we would get this far?


Who knew we would get this far?
Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Seasons Poetry ContestStaff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Blog Picks!Staff Picks!Staff Picks!Poem of the Month/June 2009Best Critic/August 2009!Poet of the Month/November 2009Staff Picks/February 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 6817
Credits: 582


PostPosted: Sun Feb 15 14:42:18 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

Oh...a suggestion for a title: Consolation.
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jessaroo
And for a moment, it was like joy was


And for a moment, it was like joy was



Joined: Jul 13, 2004
Posts: 1906
Credits: 53


PostPosted: Mon Feb 16 3:20:11 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: Untitled Reply with quote

Hi there, thanks for the feedback! I do appreciate it.

That being said... I never capitalize anything in my poetry, and I don't use punctuation unless I feel it is really necessary to the piece. I really do appreciate the feedback, and a lot of people get on me about those things, but it's just the way I write. I blame a love of e.e. cummings and a hatred for being forced into perfect grammar, punctuation, and the rest of that nonsense while writing papers. I do enough editing and perfecting to turn in things for my classes, so I don't feel the need to do the same for my poetry. I like it the way it is.

fogglethorpe wrote:
Hi jessaroo,

This is a good little ironic piece.

Some suggestions:

Begin with a capital letter, add a comma after L4, and end L5 with a period.

Make "damnit" either two words, like this..."Damn it!" or, since the piece would work with a colloquialism, "Dammit!".

So, you would have:


Crying into his shoulder
and hearing him tell me
it was all going to be okay
was even better than i thought,
even better than i dreamed.

Damn it!

_________________
i wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware
of what was around you
and it is true what you said
that i live like a hermit in my own head
Karma: 151.00

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