Letting you go

I can't bear the pain anymore.
My tears I couldn’t hide.
Remembering long conversations.
Feelings left unread. Things went unobtrusively.
Or did they?
The way I felt inside.

It's arduous to explain how I felt.
You crushed my spirit with multiple hits to the heart. Not once, not twice and not even with just a lash of a belt.
It felt like the ropes of a noose.
Hanging around my neck, as anxiety sets in. Breathing slowed. Heart beat fainting.
As I sat in the dark. Waiting, wondering.
What did I do wrong? What did I say? Why are my words not heard? Why are my feelings not felt?

I was longing for your response.
But these feelings they appeared to frequently come about.
And I was left with nothing. No words to explain. No talk of banishment or exile.
Not in mind. Not in an hour. Not ever, as it was silent all the while.

An excited, freed, empowered woman.
All because of you.
It was you.
I wanted to follow my heart.
You were different from the rest.
I thought about it from the start.

Every time we were together laughing or even when we just sat in silence,
I was excited to hear your voice,
Your words were like no other.
I believe in you. I believed in us.
But here I sit alone.
I’m beginning to see you.
I am realizing now.
It is my only choice.

Once upon a time, we were both so well suited to each other. We were both drawn to a hot flame.
Always on the same wavelength.
Your wildness for me, to tame.

This night was the last. It was final.
You’ve gone through my world. Out of the distance.
I called Odin for a glance.
I watched my eyes filled with sorrow.
I witnessed this to someone.
Not the girl I fell in love with.
But someone, someone whom I grew to not know.
Watched as they performed,
That mad devil dance.

A missed morning text. An afternoon went by and another. Day after day, night after night.
Messages unread. Things left unsaid.
It happened all too soon.
Not waiting for an explanation.
Not dancing this dance.
Not waiting for excuses.
Not letting you in, not even one more chance.

Feeling empty as I sat in silence.
Wishing my long days away.
My inner light has dimmed.
Wishing that I was enough.
Maybe then you would have begged for me to stay.

It’s okay now. For I realized.
A friend that I once adored was lost,
Life lessons to be learned.
But oh how I cried. It was my life with a glimpse.
Finally, I needed to do it for me at any cost.

You weren’t my person any longer.
I didn’t even think I had it in me.
Didn’t think that I could do that.
I’m not thinking clearly.
I didn’t think that you’d even really let me go.

Wow! It hits me. Trust. This is now a double edged sword. You thought I would stay. Thought I would let you inflict this pain. Watch it. Watch the questions of why they still linger. But not just me this time. Now you can ask these questions.
Sadly, that is where we are now.
Why? Do you know what brought us here?
It seems as though feelings were just not true.
Were they ever?

I guess it’s just that of words left unsaid.
Things we will never know.
I made the choice. For yesterday I said goodbye. Now watch me walk away.
This is me letting you go.

Copyright: Shae Della Rae Shavonne Starner 2/24/22 ©