Since Something

Since Something

Everything I ever wrote
Is since something.
All those words, every one,
Every one I wrote, I meant.
You know what I mean?
Something missed, something lost,
lost, pissed, lost failed.
I could pick a word for every spineless, pissed away loss.
Something I never grabbed.
Something i never got.
And, like a shepherd, I corralled a word for every one. Every single something.
Something, since, I couldn't get.
Since I couldn't get no toy
Since no one had no dough.
Now there's a reason to poetisize,
just no dough, no dollar,
not one penny.
Ain't you ever had no money
and had a word or two that fit?
Since money love's the root of evil.
Since other love's at the roots of trees of trouble.
Since I can't stay out of trouble.
Since I couldn't get the fix I needed
To hold a devils stone.
Or since I couldn't get the hump I needed
To get over the hump to bring the glories home.
Since I got no car loan when I'm driving a shit heap, bag of rust, hell on wheels
to get my body home.
Since I got no god awakening, since I wanted one,
when I got a few questions, man, about a great many things, but...none.
Since I never got a bright light
On any Damascus road.
Since I had to stumble up the road
with good eyes, that crumby Bastard made me feel along with good old sightless sight.
Since I'm looking in a welding hood
And drawing a crooked bead.
Since I can't make it stick
When stress comes up and up it comes, in deed.
Since I braized with sheets of steel,
With large allowances of tensil strength, outside the steamfitters code
Just to build, create, and make.
Since when the good moments flare up
They dazzle my blindness, blind like a stone.
Since I can clap, tap, stomp
But can't never remember the words to Redemption Song.
Since I gave 30 silver coins.
Since I couldn't find what I lost
and couldn't keep any thing I got.
Since I couldn't get that one,
the one too good for me, that's right, a little above, not in this life, not even close. Since I couldn't get pretty with poems. Since I couldn't get poems.
Since I couldn't bring my boy back,
I put up a few words or two,
Since I didn't know the abracadabras
That the Galilean knew.
Since my iron lung's predated
The parts are obsolete, there's no upgrade, no update, no download to give me current, currents, breaths of fresh air,
No hack or fixer to bring the breather online again another day.
Since I thought I'd go ahead
And turn my light out
And drift on a peaceful plasma
A blanket of blue energy
Pure white light.
Since I was too scared of God
To trust in pure white light.
Since I had to go at it with muscle, with
Hate, with stubborn, with stupid, with grit, with stupid yet dear tender Love,
with sweat, with questions,
With made up answers,
with propped up faith.
Since I didn't make hay when the sun was shining.
Since Siddhartha wasn't fat, was skinny.
Since I'm not too fat, I'm not too cold
I'm not a cat, I'm not too old.
Since I think the stars would like me, if ever there was a chance, they'd like me.
Since the dreams are all deferred.
Since I can't tell, on any given day,
can't tell, can't say, which way to face,
which way is Mecca.
Since I took thirty silver coins.
Since I got shit for brains.
Since I tried to be nice.
Since I shouldn't have cared about losing.
Since I got crackpipe luck.
Since I'm getting good at getting old, but
Since it sucks, but since I got another day to think about it.
Since I got a thousand reasons to be here, still, and a thousand or less that don't know whats up anymore anyway.
Since I'm out here, outside,
Always outside,
Downing the spirits,
Breathing in and out on smoke,
Putting up these words about what I know since I know.
Since I got too many pets
Since I got too many peaves.
Since I'm too much of an animal,
And too much in need.
Since I got no grace, no class
No brass, no style, no skill, no game.
Since I rose up, dug up, dug out of the mud
A new species, fully formed, awkward and uncomfortable, smelly, unrefined, undefined.
Since I think almost nothing
of almost all the somethings.
Since I have a hatred grew from love,
from selfless, loved less love.
Since where and why I gather up so much weak it numbers over St. Peter's rolls.
Since my name's on those rolls, ink's invisible, ink's hot, ink's old.
Since I caressed the monkey
Caressing at my back,
when no one else was standing,
And no one else got my back.
Since I got a weak that breaks like a wave
Like a trembling, tremulous quake
over tens of all the world's faults.
Since my cup makes me drunk.
Since my cup ain't taken from me.
Since a million things,
None of them good,
All of them for me.
Since I done wrote all these things.
Since, thank you, Jesus,
Since, thanks again for all of this.
Since Patris
Since Filii
Since Spiritis Sancti.
Since alpha, omega.
Since ending,
Or end.