Me and the two of you

What am I supposed to do?

I
Don’t,
Know anymore,
How
To “Be”

If not “Being”
Broken Hearted
Angry
Upset.

Overwhelmed with

-Traumas

-Depression

-And PTSD

Still “At War”
Obviously
”Still fighting”
And
I’m supposed to
Just
Let go of my need
For you
Boys and me
Being
Safe
And
Thriving;
And Happy?

You Boys
Are
My Life!

So How
Could I?

Really
“Move on”
And Find?

“Happiness”
WITHOUT YOU?

I can’t!
That’s Silly
Nonsense!

That’s called
“Cutting off the Head”

It doesn’t work
And it’s an
Unforgivable
Debt.

I just
Wander aimlessly

And
Yes

I can see
What’s happening
Around Me

But
I’m paralyzed
Crippled

I
CANT
EVEN
DO
ANYTHING!!!

Oh
And
Everyone
“Just can’t wait to see”

The “New and Improved”
“Jared”

“A bright
New Future
Just for me”

And I want this
Too,
I do…

But nothing
Is anything
If I don’t
Have
My boys
too.

Yet
I’m expected
To…

“Unlearn”
The words
“Us”
And
“We”

And change it all
To just
Me?

But
You’re
My Boys!

Most important
Parts of
My Life
And Family!

How could I ever,
“Be Happy”
If
I can’t have that future
For
“Us”
And
“We”?

I gave
My World
To you!

I gave my,
Heart
Future
My Self-importance
My EVERYTHING
TO THE TWO
OF YOU!

I mean
You’re My Boys
That’s what I’m
Supposed
To do.

So,
I’m,
Losing
A
Seemingly
Endless fight

Accepting
Nothing
At all

Until I can
Find,
my way
Back to you!

I mean what the f*ck else?!
Am I supposed to do?





 banished
To the Badlands
Well;
Actually Hell
Would be
A lot closer
To the Truth

Well it’s been a “Fait?”
Far worse than this
Ever since,
The morning they
Came in
And took you.

There’s so many things,
That I’d give
For just a single re-do!
I never would’ve chose to,
Do Anything different
Other than,
“I would Not allow myself to become,
So consumed”
That I was blinded to
The pain that I MYSELF
Was causing the two of you.
And looking back
It was obvious
No reason
Why I shouldn’t
Have already knew
Given so many chances
That I so
Pitifully blew
All the while I was spinning my wheels,
Going insane
Just trying to protect you.
And now
My homelessness
Trauma
And Depression
Seem to be all that I have
left of you.
The last time we met
I couldn’t believe
How much I must’ve already missed
I was floored when I realized
I really no longer
Had the privilege
to be around
Guide and influence
As you grew.
Seems like such a simple thing;
And I wish that this was true.
I hate this world
I hate my life!
I’m tired of holding on
Until I have no other choice but to
Be bombarded with my feelings
As they boil over
And raise even more havoc
In my Hell.
Well (scoff)
And if u couldn’t tell,
There are absolutely NO reasons
For me “doing bad”
And needing ANY forms of help…
I ACTUALLY
CAN “do bad”
Quite Fucking well
Just look for me at the ball
I will be the bell.
I don’t know if it’s worse I pretend not to want to
rush up to you
Hug you
And tell you that I fucking
Miss
and
love you
Tell you I’m sorry and
That I’m prepared to do whatever you’ll have me do
To prove to you
That I’m not stretching any truths.
But then I read the attitude.
Pulling your hat,
Hoping that I wouldn’t notice and just pass you.
I really wouldn’t
Ever have guessed
I’d have the strength to…
Hold composure
Look forward
And pass on by
Like you and I
Were ANYONE else
And had any other
Or no “History”
Than The way that we do.
And it’s still,
ATLEAST when I
Look back in my
Blind spots n review,
The only option
I can see available
To ATLEAST
Show my love to you
By respecting you.

I sink down low
When ik forsure
That I am out of your view.
Even all those times
It seemed like
I had
No thoughts of consideration
Towards you,
I’ve never had a single
Ill intention
I, guess,
I just,
Make really really dumb mistakes
When I have something as important as you
On the line,
And could possibly lose.
And if life has shown me anything
Is if that’s what I was trying to do?
Well CONGRATULATIONS DUMBASS
One of your “wishes”
Be it on a falling star
Or a
Birthday candle,

But this is the one That
Actually came true.
Silly Jared
And you really thought that “wishes”
In any form
Could never possibly
Be granted
to you.

What could possibly go wrong?
I just go all in
To quickly extinguish
The flames
LIKE AS FAST AS FUCKING POSSIBLE
So that we can enjoy
What we create
And not have to worry about anything
That would maybe try
And threaten your fait.

In hindsight
I.g. As commendable it is
This idea is NOTHING
Short of insane!

Who would’ve thought that pure lies
Would really hold so much weight
over the truth.
Well I guess that’s what they mean
When they say
To be careful of the company that you choose
Life apparently won’t balance itself back out on its own

So I guess that it’s finally
time to
Finally stand back up
Do the dew!
Rejoin life again
And hopefully
soon…
That reunion within
you
Will once again attract the ones
That you wanted so bad not to
lose
I mean when We were
Living life before
You didn’t have to ask
Or try
Somehow, when we trusted life’s processes
The most important part
In my life
That I’ve had
Was you
I’m going to try doing that again
Because
That was when
Life so freely gave me
you.